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6/27/11 5:18 P

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Hey hun! First all I have to say, you've already done the hard part and that's leaving him. I was with my abusive (like yours emotionally abusive but I was seeing it building up into physical) ex for just a couple of months over a year, and that was bad enough. I was a healthy weight and size when we met but he still took to calling me fat, ugly, stupid, useless etc. He hated my friends and family and really isolated me and made me feel I deserved to feel and be treated like crap. I started to comfort eat and that's when I piled on the weight, I become the fat person he was telling me I was. He always accused me of cheating if I was out of his sight for more than 20 minutes so he was around me 24/7. I went from a healthy, outgoing, happy and popular person into an introverted, obese and reclusive person.

I finally found the courage to end it, we were arguing once and I said "I just need some breathing space, you're always around me," he replied, "What do want? 100% freedom?" It was then, for some reason it dawned on me: my freedom wasn't his to grant me. I had that freedom all along and I ended it. When I dumped him (over the phone, he would have got aggressive face to face).

It's really hard to get over the feelings of low self worth he instilled into you but it does get better with time. Talking about it is the first step. Don't ever blame yourself, he was wrong not you! Spend time with friends, family and take up new hobbies, get your life back together. I dumped my ex 4 years ago and been with my boyfriend (who is lovely and nothing like my ex) for 3 and half years but it's taken this long to start kicking the comfort eating in the bud. I have moved on in every other way and I'm almost back to person I was before, just much much wiser!

One important thing I realised - He was the insecure one, that's why he went to such lengths to make me feel that way! It's the same with any abusive partner, they can't handle their own insecurities so they pass them off onto their partners and make them suffer!

 current weight: 227.0 
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6/16/11 9:46 P

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First off I want to send you a hug and let you know Im proud of you for having the strength to walk. I was married to an abusive alcoholic for almost 5 years. I wish I had the strength to walk, but he ended up having a stroke and dying. Didnt help much tho.. He was in hospital 4 months/ I had to visit even tho by that time there was no love loss on my part. I felt horrible he was laying there helpless and it didnt help that while karma was kicking his butt, all the clutter and housework went to hell and to this day Im still trying to gain control. Its a hard road to travel sometimes but in the end it will make us stronger then we ever will.
Sometimes the hateful words of the past come back to haunt, but I think the trick is to turn it around on him. I have come to understand that his lashing out at me was due to his insecurities and issues. Had nothing to do with me.
When you wake up look in the mirror and tell yourself how awesome you are. Its a simple start. Hold your head up and know that you are beautiful and noone can take that away from you.

~Lori from Virginia~

My journey on facebook

"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it.
If you don't ask, the answer is always no.
If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place."

 current weight: 228.5 
6/10/11 12:57 P

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I'm a survivor, too. I was used, abused, and mistreated in more ways than I care to talk about. But... I escaped (after years) and am stronger for it. I have bad days still sometimes, but then I remember that I survived! I am strong! I am healthy (healthier than I have EVER been in my life!! I am tough! I am beautiful! I am EVERYTHING that I want to be, everything I can imagine, everything I feel. I am the one that matters. Not my past relationships. Not my haters. Not people that pretended to love me. ME. I am the one that matters.. and YOU ARE TOO!!

#1 ~ You go girl for having the guts to get out. It took me years and I still sometimes am shaky, nervous, or skiddish around people, but I know that I am a good person and totally worthy of all the good things that come to me.
#2 ~ you must know you are better than you want to think if you are here and trying to get healthier, asking for help, and posting with us! And you are right. No matter how much your abuser tried to break you, they couldn't... you are here, you are strong, and you are DONE! GOOD FOR YOU!!!
#3 ~ You broke the cycle already. You got out and you are improving your life one day at a time. You are strong and capable and awesome. Anyone that makes someone feel like your abuser did to you is all of the things they said to you (fat, ugly, stupid, etc). In fact, they are useless, ridiculous, pathetic, and more for trying to make you feel that way. Pfft. Weak people are abusers. Losers are the only ones that try to break others down because they know they are pathetic and have to either bully someone or be lame... so they choose bully. But we all know they are just lame!!!

Dont believe what others say about you. Since when did a loser's opinion of you matter anyway? Would some random jerk on the street effect you? Would you say "oh, that homeless person doesn't like my shoes, so they must be ugly"? Or would you think "oh my goodness, that teenager doesn't think my car is cool"? Ummm NO. Other people's opinion of you doesn't matter. You have to love yourself and know that you are whatever YOU want to be. YOUR view of yourself is what matters. YOU know your self-worth and value and YOU control what goes on in your life and YOU can and will be better for surviving it.

Know that you are strong and amazing and (fill in the blank) because you ARE!! You are awesome because you are a survivor!!! And, you are even more awesome because you are DONE! We love you and I'm proud of you for reaching out. Here is you ever need me!! XOXOXOXOXO


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6/9/11 12:15 P

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Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I'm trying to find the strength to get through my days minute by minute, and my weeks day by day. The DG team makes that a little easier. Thanks girls.

 current weight: 225.0 
6/9/11 10:11 A

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I am watching my daughter and her son go through the same things that you are going through. Her son was 4 when she left her abusive husband and that will be 2 yrs in October. it breaks my heart for both of them because I know they are worth so very much. My daughter has a college education, went to school on scholarships, but her relationship with her ex changed her vry much. I fear this wasn't the first abusive relationship but she denied the other one. Anyway, you are important and you must have realized that because you got out! You are important to the child in the photo, you are important as a humn being, you are worth more than you can imagine. I could tell you about how much god loves you but you probably aren't able to believe a lot of that right now; so, I will say that the Done girls are glad you are here, are glad that you shared, and care about you. I believe that one needs to know someone personally, not on the computer, to actually love a person deeply, but you are worth getting to know and loving. Don't let someone who was/is a sick and controlling person stay in your head. You have a purpose, you have a sould, you have a mind, you are a beautiful person, live like one. Oh, the best revenge is to live well. I don't know who said it but it is so very true. Live well and to do that you need to love yourself. Now, sit down and write down things for which you are grateful (sunshine, autumn colors, green grass, the little one in the photo, a good memory, thanksgiving dinner, or whatever). List 5 things then list 5 things that you like about yourself (strong fingernails, nice hair, pretty eyes, caring personality, etc). Do this a few times a week and you will love yourself more!

 current weight: 171.0 
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6/9/11 9:45 A

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You started by leaving. Part of you knows you deserve better than that. You are better than that. You have to find that part inside yourself and nurture it. It's in hiding. Been so severely beaten down, it's hiding.

this may sound strange, but with lots of expensive therapy, I found mine. It's burried deep inside. Has the personality traits of a 4 year old. I'm guessing that's when it started being abused and beaten in my life. Every now and then, I have to let this inner child of mine come out to play. Yes, literally play. Color. Run. Swing. Play. Let it know it's safe to come out again. No one is here to beat it into submission anymore.

Saskatchewan Time Zone

You can not change yesterday - it's done.
You can only dream of tomorrow.
The only day you can change is today.
What are you going to do today to reach your goals of tomorrow?

It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it GREAT

Go little Turtle Go!

 current weight: 262.8 
6/9/11 1:24 A

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I was just getting ready to go to bed...and decided to check my email...glad I did. I post weekly on a women only is designed by and for LDS women, but of course anyone can read the posts (or join, if you choose). I was asked to focus my topic on "living happily as a single LDS woman" the time I started posting, I was neither single nor happy. I am still not yet single, but happy is coming, albeit, it comes and goes sometimes..but stays more often than it used to.

I do alot of self I read alot, I journal alot.

If you (or anyone) is interested, here is the link to my most recent post....and I'll share whatever else I can. There are plenty of websites dedicated to *healthy* "self love" and books and the list goes on.

FYI..I filed for divorce in Feb, after confirming my husband's affair in Nov, being blamed for it for the next 3 months....he left in Jan to go visit his family, and re-hooked up with the woman....I told him to stay gone. Our 20th wedding anniversary is next week...the day before he left, I read a book a friend borrowed from another friend of chapter made our entire life together make sense...the book was Narcissistic Lovers. It all clicked after that.

There is a line from "Pretty Woman" in which Julia Roberts says "the bad stuff is easier to believe" very true!!!

Anyway, here is the post....

It is currently the most recent post (june 6). Feel free to scroll to the others (look for the ones that say Author: Michelle)

Here is a quote I got from a group I belong to on facebook:

"If you're not being treated with the love and respect you deserve, check your "PRICE TAG". Perhaps you have marked yourself down. It's "YOU" who tell people what you're worth by what you accept. Get off the "CLEARANCE RACK" and get behind the glass case where they keep the "VALUABLES". Bottom line... "VALUE" yourself more...We are all worth it!!

I am a (soon to be) Single Woman and Mother of 4--don't confuse the two!
"Who I am today is NOT who I will be tomorrow!"

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6/9/11 12:58 A

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I feel your pain my Bad relationship was a year and a half and that was enough! You are a survivor enjoy your life to the fullest and don't look back on all the bad! I know its always easier said then done!! in my relationship I was always accused of cheating I never even talk to other guys, my ex did like my friends or family so I really had no one but HIM, his mom was a large lady and I was overweight but not like his mom and our life style did not help we ate out, ate crap, drank pop, and smoked about a pack a day! In the end he was the cheater he could go out with a friend and it was ok and one night they did and he met a lady with a kid something he talked crap about all the time was people who had kids and weren't married but a lot of it was targeted at MY friends I couldn't see or talk! I thought I still loved him and one the most serious and longest relationship that I had ever been in so I had a really hard time letting go and it was hard to move on when all I thought I wanted was him! My advice to you is talk about what you need to get out, do whatever it takes for you to be able to move on and past Your past! I will also tell you my husband paid for what my Ex did I had serious trust issues and I will admit I still do but its more I think because I don't believe in myself nothing I do is ever good enough and I don't want to be left some little SKINNY girl that I would love to be! I'm not sure that this helps but I'm here if you need to talk I think sometimes its hard to talk to someone who has not been through what you have. You can do this stay strong stay positive every thing happens for a reason and something bigger and better is out there for you!

 current weight: 187.5 
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6/9/11 12:46 A

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First of all congrats on have the courage to leave. It will take time but know you are worth it and deserve to be happy. You are beautiful and amazing. There will be days when you don't feel like you are but with time you will feel and know you are worthy. Also look into joining a support group that can be a great help. best of luck


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6/9/11 12:18 A

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Sometimes it's hard to do right for ourselves so start by modeling positive habits for that beautiful baby in your pic...Getting healthy from the inside out is a process so start small and build...I was involved in a support group for quite a while and that was amazing...journaling also helps because you can recognize patterns in your behaviour that you may not realize at first...getting to know the real you is going to feel better and better...Don't give up! are so worth the time and effort...hugs, Beany

6/8/11 11:36 P

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Hey girl, just to let you know, I'm proud that you finally left, that took a lot of courage. Unfortunately it takes a long time to get any kind of self worth back. I have been out of my abusive relationship for over four years and the man I'm married to now is absolutely the best man in the world, he all the time tells me I'm beautiful and I'm special to him but there are those days that I just don't feel that way no matter how many times he tells me so. It is going to be a long journey but you will finally get there, I know when I do I will be so happy. We all just have to stick together and give the support we can. You are a wonderful, beautiful and a strong lady.

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6/8/11 11:24 P

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Hey DG team. I've been having a rough couple of weeks and have decided to reach out. I spent three years in an emotionally abusive relationship. It even turned physical toward the end and I had to finally put up a fight and get out... While I've been gone for two years, I am still struggling with the issues of self-worth, degradation, and truly believing the things I was told for so long. (Your fat, stupid, ugly... Ect.)

How do you even begin to move on when all of that is so deeply ingrained? How do you break the cycle? I'm lost and I could really use your help and support.



 current weight: 225.0 
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