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ENDUROVET's Photo ENDUROVET Posts: 855
9/13/20 10:35 P

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Glad I surfed over here (distracting myself from the fact my Boyz are playing poorly & will likely lose their season opener against the LA Rams) - still surprised that Hubby made a move on me yesterday morning, our first sexual encounter in I-couldn’t-even-tell-ya-how-long?
Our sex life has been so lackluster, I honestly cannot remember - was it Christmastime? Or our anniversary back in October??

Anyway, of course sleeping in separate BR’s narrows the windows of opportunity for sure - & my husband’s reticent nature doesn’t help either. Several times over these past few months, I have come downstairs a little early some mornings (you know, when testosterone levels are supposed to be highest?) & climbed into bed w/P for a snuggle - nothing has ever come of it, most of the time P would soon be snoring gently in my ear. But yesterday morning P reached out, which was a pleasant surprise.

Afterwards we were able to snuggle up intertwined which would’ve been an impossibility before P lost weight... But then when I plopped down companionably on the couch next to P yesterday afternoon, it was as if we were friendly roommates again? I need to start calling him out on how important these minor gestures of affection are to me: his arm around me, even a simple hand hold would’ve been nice? But I hate feeling as if I’m begging for his attention - if it’s forced it Just. Ain’t. Worth It!!!

Val

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MARIENOW's Photo MARIENOW SparkPoints: (16,398)
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9/13/20 7:25 P

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Hi Rush,

I'm single so I can't really speak specifically to your situation other than to say almost every long-term married couple I know (even people without depression) have gone through what you're experiencing or at least something similar. Sometimes it's just a temporary situation due to exhaustion from raising kids, paying bills, doing chores, and all that goes with marriage.

Last year I lost 55 pounds and thought that I would feel attractive and like my "old self" again. I didn't. In fact, I thought I looked worse than when I was heavier. I scheduled a trip with my on-again, off-again boyfriend and it was a huge disappointment. I thought we'd have a nice romantic time but all we had was a time, nothing romantic. I cried on the trip home. So sometimes we think it's about the weight but it really isn't. (Unfortunately I gained all the weight back so now I have to start over. I wish I would have tried harder to maintain that loss but I didn't, so I can only learn from my mistake at this point.)

It seems that couples who are able to "rekindle" things make time to spend only with each other (date night, etc.) and make sure they have time away from the kids and regular home life. It helps to have family nearby but for some people that's not really an option. With ED, I have read it's important for a man to see a doctor because there can be some underlying health issue that needs to be ruled out, even if they only have intermittent ED like your DH.

Wishing you the best in trying to figure out what is going on so you can improve the situation. Sounds like he is a loyal husband, so that's a huge blessing. Let us know how everything goes.



ENDUROVET's Photo ENDUROVET Posts: 855
8/12/20 2:03 P

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There, I found my recent blog describing the distressing fact that my hubby apparently is STILL in the habit of trash-talking me to my friends - is he really that clueless as to how destructive such behavior is???
While I can understand griping to your OWN friends (which I am guilty of on occasion, mea culpa!), why b!tch about something long past, which I can no longer influence in any way? At some point you have to be willing to let bygones be bygones...
www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_p
ublic_jour
nal_individual.asp?blog_id=6
692057


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AUTHOREVE's Photo AUTHOREVE Posts: 658
8/12/20 12:07 P

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Val, I can definitely relate to your story. And as the years go by your hope of him improving lessen, and your interest in an intimate relationship also lessen. It's no wonder cougars are now becoming more popular. Older women out there are being ignored by the male person in their life, but the younger guys are finding out having a 'cougar' as a significant other gives them all that was lacking in their sexual needs. And for the women, why do they do it? Well, for one thing the younger guys have more energy, know-how and ability, and are generally in better shape physically.

Women who let themselves just go to pot can only blame themselves. And the same applies to men. What woman wants to make love with a guy who has a huge stomach and problems with ED? And if you have kept yourself in shape, you don't have to!

evedelange.com
evedelange.com


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ENDUROVET's Photo ENDUROVET Posts: 855
8/12/20 9:13 A

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I was late noticing this thread, but glad that it caught my eye...
My hubby & I have been caught in a similar cycle of low libido & “performance issues” (speaking mostly for myself, it’s very hard to get my husband to communicate about anything, especially our sex life so I’ve mostly given up - I’ve been so snowed under with my mom’s care these past few months, it has definitely been put on the back burner!)

Thanks for sharing your story, Eve - my husband was also very inexperienced - not just sexually as in a 35-yr old virgin, but also in the overall navigation of an intimate relationship. He seems to be terrified of female anger, and will retreat full-speed or completely withdraw (I wrote about our marital separation in a recent blog)... It’s as if women aren’t human beings to him, but only seem to be symbolic, decorative objects - “appurtenance theory”, where I only seem to exist in relation to his needs? It’s a weird feeling.

If he were a bad guy, I’d have kicked him out long ago, but he’s not malicious, just clueless in many regards. I still haven’t confronted him with my pain & anger over his most recent transgression - trash-talking me to my friend. What did he think that would accomplish? She would tell me, I would feel bad & apologize for protecting my son 12 yrs ago??!!??

Gotta get ready for work now. Y’all take care of yourselves.

Val

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AUTHOREVE's Photo AUTHOREVE Posts: 658
8/2/20 9:47 P

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I am probably one of the older people on this team, and yes, your items in this particular post probably affect more of us than you realize. Gaining weight can be a big blow to our sex lives. Not only do we tend to be less attractive when we begin to pack on the pounds, but the added weight to our bodies also tends to make us tire more easily.

I had never been with a man who was overweight, but when I got married and knew he was not only a 'little' overweight, but grossly overweight, I did not put too much thought into the intimate side of our marriage. He declared he was exercising and was going to the gym regularly and he wanted to get his weight down, and I took him at his word. That was my mistake.

I soon found out that my husband was not an experienced lover. Oh he, had been married for 42 years, but he was as inexperienced as a virgin. Yes, his wife had had two boys, so they had obviously had sex, and he bragged about the years he was in his later years of high school. I noticed in his stories it was mostly about stamina and pleasing himself during his early years. And as he would brag to me about the things girls would do for him, I turned to him one time and asked "did you do the same thing for these girls?" -- he just stared at me and said, "no, I never thought of it." So that let's you see the tip of the iceberg.

As my husband became older and heavier -- yes, he did not lose weight, he gained weight, I could see his ability to perform became less and less. And the final blow came when he found he had prostate cancer. He chose radiation as a means of treatment. It put a stop to our occasional try at intimacy, and the less he bugged me about it, the less interested I was.
Finally there was a stretch of 4 years with no sex. And very few kisses, which depressed him and made me feel guilty. But how do you tell your husband he is not a good lover? He wanted to set up an appointment to make love, I'm a more spontaneous person.

After 9 long years of marriage, I left my husband, and I used depression as my excuse. It is true that I suffer from depression, and there is more than one reason behind it. But my hubby does not want to hear about it, if I would bring the subject up; he would roll his eyes and say, "I'm just not interested." and walk away.

I don't claim to be an expert by any means, but I was finally tired of trying to please other people at the cost of my own happiness. I moved out and after several months I have found like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I was never drastically overweight, and while I would look better if I were 10 pounds lighter, I look quite good. And it bothered me to see someone ignore the needs of their bodies and continue to stuff themselves with 'junk food" instead of healthy meals. If you don't respect or love your spouse, it is very difficult to think you can have a good sexual relationship.

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PATERMAS1's Photo PATERMAS1 Posts: 6,628
8/2/20 3:55 P

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Excellent supportive suggestions from all team members! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Co-Leader, Dealing with Depression Team

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ? Maya Angelou

“The art of medicine is long and life is short; opportunity fleeting; the experiment perilous; judgment flawed.”-Hippocrates, The Emperor of All Maladies

When the power of love
overcomes the love of power
the world will know peace.
--Jimi Hendrix


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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 33,266
8/1/20 10:07 P

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Where it comes to doing exercises without the pain, I strongly suggest that you talk with your Dr and ask for a referral to a Physiotherapist. He/she will then be able to properly asses you to see where the problem lies, and develop exercise plans for you to start off slowly, and do safely. In my experience I found this to be very beneficial. I have Arthritis of the spine and scoliosis. what may suit one condition may be totally contraindicated for the other so it was a case of finding something that worked well for all issues. I also have hypothyroidism.

"My husband and I both have gained weight, and our sex life has been nearly non-existent. He suffers from ED, but we're pretty sure it's more psychological than physical."
Has your husband been checked for Diabetes? Has he had a good physical including bloods? Have YOU had a good physical including bloods (not just for thyroid)

I would also be inclined to discuss with your Dr the sex side of things and also the psychological side of things. A referral to a Therapist for both of you would be wise.Also, if your husband is on meds, perhaps a review to see if there is any anything that could be contributing to the problem - both a combination of medication and on their own.

Good luck,
Kris



Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 8/1/2020 (22:10)
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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,568
8/1/20 3:16 P

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Thanks for the warning, but I know you have openly and honestly shared a problem that isn’t yours alone. I don’t know if you are taking any antidepressants, but many can kill your libido.

While sex seems to be about bodies, I think what you and your husband both want is intimacy. While intimacy seems to be expressed most cogently with sex, intimacy is still about connection and relationship, not just sexual satisfaction. What would happen if you thought about what draws you together and keeps you together as you deal with the external changes in your lives? Media has really done a number on our psyches in terms of what we are “supposed “ to look like. I know my gray hair and wrinkles and my husband’s gray hair and saggy skin doesn’t represent who we were when we married in our early 20’, but the man I fell in love with is still who he truly is. (By the way, we are both in our mid70s now.)

I found early in my weight loss journey that I tried to do everything at once. I finally learned to set small weekly goals. This week 10 minutes of activity a day and 8 glazes of water. Next week I’ll track my food. I hope you have had a good physical exam lately to make sure your sugar craving is not some health issue.

Depression is a nasty beast. There’s now two ways about it. Early in my therapy, my counselor gave me some perfect advice. You don’t have to do it all. I was and still am to an extent, an all or nothing person. If I couldn’t gather up the drive to clean the whole kitchen, I did nothing. Instead I learned to clear and wipe the counters and go rest. Come back and wash the glasses and silverware. I think you get the idea.

Know this team is filled with people who have been there, done that and are ready to help and share with others. Right now, this very minute, stand up, walk to a room with a mirror, look at yourself, look into your loving eyes and know you are worth it and you matter. The give yourself a huge smile. Go on do it. I’m sure you’ll feel better.

Lost 65 lbs and maintained since 2006.


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PATERMAS1's Photo PATERMAS1 Posts: 6,628
8/1/20 3:05 P

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Thank you for your courage in reaching out to tell your story, You are in the midst of challenges faced by a large percentage of Americans who manifest issues with obesity. I'm guessing that it may be of limited comfort to know that these Americans find themselves in a situation similar to yours.

I recently came upon an NPR online article which you may found helpful in dealing with your situation.It was eye-opening for me:


www.npr.org/2011/09/21/14066
5644/for-o
bese-intimate-lives-often-su
ffer


Our team members are very good listeners emoticon
Please stay in touch. We care.

--Lynne

Co-Leader, Dealing with Depression Team

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ? Maya Angelou

“The art of medicine is long and life is short; opportunity fleeting; the experiment perilous; judgment flawed.”-Hippocrates, The Emperor of All Maladies

When the power of love
overcomes the love of power
the world will know peace.
--Jimi Hendrix


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RUSHTX's Photo RUSHTX SparkPoints: (774)
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8/1/20 2:29 P

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WARNING: Adult material

Okay, I had really NO idea where to post this, but I think it's related to my depression so I'm trying here.

I've got some other issues going on, other than depression and my weight, but that's the main problem. I'm overweight and depressed. I desperately NEED to get up and exercise, but my body hurts so much. And then I get depressed, and I'm too down to get up. Plus, I can't figure out any exercise that I can physically perform that would make that big of a difference. I don't eat much, but I do still have that huge sugar addiction. I have reduced my intake of sugar, but I think my body craves the sugar as a form of quick energy, especially when I have stuff I need to do (like everyday home maintenance, taking care of kids, etc.) and NEED to get up now.

But there is also another problem, and this is the part I didn't know where to post. Maybe some of you can relate? (Or tell me if there's another/better place to post this question)
My husband and I both have gained weight, and our sex life has been nearly non-existent. He suffers from ED, but we're pretty sure it's more psychological than physical. Since gaining weight (both of us) and my hypothyroid problems have surfaced plus my body aches->fatigue->guilt->depression cycle, I haven't had any interest in sex at all. But my husband does and has felt neglected. This has been going on for years. It just isn't like it used to be and we can't find a comfortable compromise. But of course we didn't used to be this overweight. When we met and eventually got married, he was just slightly overweight (VERY slightly), and I wasn't overweight at all. I only started putting on pounds after I had kids. So I'm not used to this body. Back then I felt sexy. I don't feel sexy now. I feel fat and ugly, and that does NOT attract me. I don't find myself attractive, but I do try to find underwear and things to minimize my belly and make be look thinner. But naked, no way. And that affects my desire and performance. He acts like he wants me, that my weight doesn't affect him, but it affects me, plus the ED - he says it's from our lack of sex and will improve if we do it more often (although most of the time we don't actually "do it").

Can anyone relate to this and give me some advice? I'd REALLY like to make my husband happy, and I want us to actually be able to make love and not just "get each other off". My husband does watch porn a lot to make up for the lack of sex - I used to do it as well. He seemingly has no problem getting an erection there, so it isn't physical. And I know that porn is a major TABOO can be a really BAD influence on how we view sex, but I understand why he does it. Fortunately for me, other than the porn (which he does not hide from me), he has been completely faithful. I'm lucky and blessed. But if anyone has ANY other ideas on how to tackle this problem, please let me know.

And again, I'm sorry if this isn't the place to post this or if I've violated any community rules or anything (I know it's kind of a sensitive topic for some) - but we're long overdue at needing help!

Thank you!

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