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MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 27,168
2/29/20 11:27 A

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Thanks, Deb. It's a really good article - I remember learning some of this when Randy and I had counseling early in our marriage. Thanks for sharing!!

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Miller

"I forgive myself and set myself free." ~Louise Hay

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be." ~unknown


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2/29/20 10:29 A

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Thanks, Deb. I skimmed the article and thought it seems worth keeping handy. (Now that I've bookmarked it, I'll confess that I may never had actually clicked open a bookmark.)

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DEBTEVELDAHL's Photo DEBTEVELDAHL Posts: 16,414
2/29/20 9:39 A

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I came across this article and thought that it might be helpful to some who experience Interpersonal Conflict, what it is and how to resolve it :

www.healthline.com/health/in
terpersona
l-conflict?slot_pos=article_
2&
utm_source=Sailthru%20Email&
ut
m_medium=Email&utm_campaign=bipoR>lar&utm_content=2020-02-26&apid=25547559


Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson
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MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 27,168
2/28/20 2:10 P

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My cussing has increased with age, too. Even Katie started cursing after her nervous breakdown 3 years ago. I was actually kind of relieved, because she had spent her whole life trying to be morally "perfect" (OCD scrupulosity) and it was unhealthy. One of her Sunday School teachers once said, "Katie is too good for her own good."

A little cursing isn't the worst thing.

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That said, I do draw the line at saying "gd" - taking God's name in vain and I hate it when they do it in movies.

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Edited by: MILLER-S at: 2/28/2020 (14:18)
Miller

"I forgive myself and set myself free." ~Louise Hay

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be." ~unknown


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2/27/20 6:55 P

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I never cussed much, so, when I did, a couple of friends would laugh because they didn't expect it. It seems that my use of such words has increased because they no longer laugh when one slips out. Between you, me and the keyboard, it bothers me more to have lost that silly bit of specialness inferred by the laughs than to recognize that I'm not above pottymouthedness. Sometimes there really is something to be said for being "one of the kids."

Who knows?

LAURIE, NYC

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MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 27,168
2/27/20 4:22 P

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LAURIE, some day soon I may look into Yiddish "curses," as it's really interesting to read and learn about things I've not been introduced to before. What you said about being able to convey more with words and phrases instead of four-letter words is so true. I'll always remember my 8th grade English teacher telling us that using curse words is a sign of a person with a very limited vocabulary! How right she was!! (though I have to admit that I've been known to utter some in stressful times!)
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PLATINUM7, thank you!


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Edited by: MILLER-S at: 2/27/2020 (16:23)
Miller

"I forgive myself and set myself free." ~Louise Hay

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be." ~unknown


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2/27/20 11:46 A

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Great share @MILLER-S

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

Don't be afraid to give your best at what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.


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2/26/20 11:05 P

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Miller, your take on it is good -- ""Leave them to live their lives." It can also be meant a little more strongly, but never in a vengeful way, I think. At least, my grandmother wasn't a vengeful sort.

Some time ago I came across a website that discussed Yiddish "curses," of which there are a great many So many of them are humorous and, as far as I know, none contain profanity. It's possible to convey so much more with language rather than four-letter words at one's command.

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MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 27,168
2/26/20 3:24 P

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Laurie, I just spent some time reading about the phrase, "They should live and be well," and it was fascinating. I may have been reading it wrong, but it seemed in some cases it was said after mentioning loved ones, but in another case I saw, it was said after referring to those that the writer wasn't fond of. I'm not sure if I understood it well or not.

If it's the case that it can go either way, then it kind of reminds me of what Carol was saying with the southern phrase, "Bless your heart." Folks do say that down here in the south and it can either be said in sympathy and kindness or in scorn veiling an insult. But I get the feeling that "They should live and be well" when said about those we're not fond of isn't really an insult, but just a "Leave them to live their lives" type of thing.

By the way, Carol, I love the way you used, "Bless their hearts" to describe the group that kicked me out! LOL! Thanks!!

Anyway, I probably have it wrong, Laurie, but I surely enjoyed reading about it.

Thanks to you both for your thoughtfulness and support!!! emoticon

PS - Laurie, I just read your most recent post. I don't use the phrase, "Bless your heart," but my Aunt Zelda did and she always meant it kindly.
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Edited by: MILLER-S at: 2/26/2020 (15:25)
Miller

"I forgive myself and set myself free." ~Louise Hay

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be." ~unknown


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2/26/20 3:17 P

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That's funny. I learned the true significance of "bless your heart" only within the last two or three years. It's on a par with "Minnesota nice." No doubt there are many sincere Minnesotans despite the bad press.

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CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,568
2/26/20 12:54 P

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Have you ever heard the Southern U.S phrase “bless your heart.” Google it to see all the shades of meaning....here’s my take on it as far as you knee replacement group. They were dumb enough to throw you out, well, bless their hearts.

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2/26/20 12:34 P

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As my Grandma Sadie would have said, "They should live and be well." It sounds as though the knee replacement group is a tad rigid. A reminder would have been a reasonable step. I understand that being banished feels personal and I wish you didn't feel that way. It really isn't personal rejection. The power-in-charge merely carried out what s/he thinks is proper procedure.

emoticon Ouch! My knee!


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MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 27,168
2/26/20 10:27 A

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Thank you very much, Laurie! It's hard to have faith in myself, but I will try harder. I knew my fear of getting kicked off the team was a bit irrational, but I guess I'm very afraid of rejection. I recently broke a rule on a knee replacement support group on Facebook and they banned me forever. I knew it was a rule not to make medication suggestions, but I must not have been thinking right that day because I am usually very much a rule follower. I had been a member of that group for at least two years and stayed to help and support others even after my replacement recovery because I well remembered how scared I had been and wanted to help others. I wish they had given me a warning before banning me forever, but they didn't. It hurt and felt like a rejection. I take things too personally and too seriously. Most people would have probably laughed it off.

Thank you for making me feel welcomed and valued. emoticon

Miller

"I forgive myself and set myself free." ~Louise Hay

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be." ~unknown


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2/26/20 7:02 A

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I'm glad you shared the person's latest note, Miller. Also glad that s/he has the awareness that the note expresses.

It wouldn't have occurred to me that that team might have cast you out. As far as I've seen, that happens only when a member is nasty or threatening to others. It also wouldn't have occurred to me that you are less valued and welcomed there than you are here. Faith in yourself!

LAURIE, NYC

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2/25/20 9:10 P

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Oh, Carol, thank you so much!!! I just now checked this thread again, even though I hadn't received a notification that anyone posted. I'm glad I did so I could thank you for your very kind comments!!!
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And thank you, Laurie, for the uplifting cheers!!!
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Just as an update - the person who started this emailed me late last night and I didn't get it until this morning. She said she did not realize the extent of my struggles and was sorry she made it seem like an easy to thing overcome. She thanked me for my kind and compassionate response to her. So I guess all is well.

Thanks again to all for getting me through this and making me feel loved and valued in the process. You all are the BEST!!! emoticon emoticon



Edited by: MILLER-S at: 2/25/2020 (21:12)
Miller

"I forgive myself and set myself free." ~Louise Hay

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be." ~unknown


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2/25/20 8:05 P

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Go, Carol Jean! Go, Miller!

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LAURIE, NYC

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CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,568
2/25/20 6:24 P

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I love this team and all the supportive people on it, especially those that remind us to laugh. I’ve been thinking about the other team, Miller. Here’s my take, if they “kick you off”, they aren’t good enough to have you. You are one of the true treasures on this team.

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MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 27,168
2/24/20 10:42 P

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Thanks so much, Laurie!! I appreciate you!!!

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You make me smile!!! emoticon emoticon

Edited by: MILLER-S at: 2/24/2020 (22:45)
Miller

"I forgive myself and set myself free." ~Louise Hay

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be." ~unknown


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2/24/20 10:39 P

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"Crazy?" "CRAZY?" Well, my dears, this calls for celebration. Let's all dance the Lobster Quadrille.



I'm glad I could be of service and thank you for reminding me to remember that, as long as I can still laugh, there is hope.

Miller, please remember it, too. Also that you are a valuable person who deserves to have faith in herself.

Edited by: SYLPHINPROGRESS at: 2/24/2020 (22:44)
LAURIE, NYC

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MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 27,168
2/24/20 8:06 P

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Thanks, Deb. I needed to hear that. emoticon I have this fear this evening that the team I mentioned will "kick me off" now that one of them know how bad my mental illness is. Crazy, I know.
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Miller

"I forgive myself and set myself free." ~Louise Hay

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be." ~unknown


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DEBTEVELDAHL's Photo DEBTEVELDAHL Posts: 16,414
2/24/20 7:27 P

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Laurie,

I loved all your posts. You are so clever and succinct !! Your comments are gold, as are all the comments on this thread. Miller you are loved !! Deb
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Edited by: DEBTEVELDAHL at: 2/24/2020 (19:28)
Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson
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2/24/20 6:11 P

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LOL, Laurie!!! Thanks for the laugh!!! emoticon emoticon

Miller

"I forgive myself and set myself free." ~Louise Hay

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be." ~unknown


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2/24/20 6:02 P

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Miller, I suspect that you've had your last private note from the helper.

Do you suppose that SP will create another "DWD" team? "Dealing with Do-gooders?" May it have a skimpy membership.

LAURIE, NYC

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2/24/20 5:05 P

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Thanks, Bonnie. I know you get it, too. My mother used to tell me I had no reason to be depressed. She'd always say to think of all the people who have it worse than me. To this day, I still do that. But I tell my daughter that just because someone else is in pain, that doesn't diminish her pain and she's allowed to recognize her struggles and not feel guilty for being depressed. She reminds me of that sometimes when I'm in the trap of feeling guilty because my troubles aren't "as bad as they could be." It's sad that your brother doesn't still doesn't understand it, though if I'm honest, my brother doesn't really understand things like this either. He's a pretty hard person, though. My sisters understand, as one of them also has chronic depression and OCD and has been hospitalized in the past. The difference between her and me is that she has turned her back on psychiatry, psychologists and medications and thinks they made her worse. She gets by on grit and anger.

Thanks again for the support. I don't know how I would have gotten through last night and today without y'all understanding where I'm coming from. It's a lonely feeling when people don't understand.
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Miller

"I forgive myself and set myself free." ~Louise Hay

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be." ~unknown


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IAMAGEMLOVER's Photo IAMAGEMLOVER Posts: 50,729
2/24/20 4:42 P

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Miller---No I don't believe that if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything. Mental illness is so misunderstood. Things could be going great in your life and you are depressed. I have had people tell me that I have no reason to be depressed My Mom use to say pick yourself up by your boot straps. My brother still doesn't understand.

I love SparkPeople

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I am responsible for my own happiness.

My name is Bonnie I live in CT DST

I went from 258 to 126 pounds and have maintained it since 12/28/12.

Too Blessed to be Stressed.






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MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 27,168
2/24/20 3:15 P

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Laurie, emoticon there is much to be said for being a normal person with a real life.

The person has since Spark mailed me to tell me that everyone gets depressed and there are tricks to get out of it. I emailed back a short message thanking them for their time and sincere comments and thoughts. Then she emailed me back to say she hoped I wasn't telling her (without telling her) to "bug off," so I sent one more Spark mail to say that I truly appreciated her caring and concern, but that it is impossible to tell a person without mental illnesses what it is like for those with mental illnesses without the possibility of just sounding like a whiner. I told her that I didn't know how to answer her email without telling her my whole life story. I did give her the "high points" (hey, she sort of asked for it)... Mental hospitalizations, not wanting to live, the hell of severe OCD, abuse and a bit about the struggles with treatment-resistant depression. I spoke to examples she gave me in a very kind way. I said once again that I am trying to be a more positive person, but realize I share my problems too much. And that is true - that team is not the place to talk about any of my struggles and I realize that now. Even if others complain, I will not going forward. I will keep my complaints to DWD team, as that's the only place where people really understand anyway.

I hope she doesn't email me again. Her heart is in the right place, but I'm too old to "deal."

Thanks again. emoticon



Edited by: MILLER-S at: 2/24/2020 (15:17)
Miller

"I forgive myself and set myself free." ~Louise Hay

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be." ~unknown


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2/24/20 2:46 P

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And thank you, Miller, for saying that. I'm glad that I could give you a lift.

You also reminded me that, yes, some people are always Pollyanna-ish and others may be at the opposite end. But there is much to be said for being "even." It's like being [gulp] a normal person who has a real life.



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LAURIE, NYC

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2/24/20 10:54 A

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Oh Laurie, thank you so much. You have warmed my heart this morning!! emoticon

The person was on another team and probably was sharing what had worked for her but it hurt and just rubbed me the wrong way. I probably took it too personally, though it's not the first time she's said something like this. I think she admires people who only post happy things (even though we have some members dealing with serious health issues). I do try hard to be cheerful, especially on teams other than DWD, as I know people don't like "Debbie Downers." Still, it's hard to be up all the time.

Thank you again. Your support means so much.
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Miller

"I forgive myself and set myself free." ~Louise Hay

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be." ~unknown


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2/24/20 10:45 A

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Miller, I can't guess whether the person who recommended the Carnegie book intended to share something that works for her/him or was being a self-important know-it-all. All I see is a clumsy, annoying remark made to you. Never "shut up unless [you] have only happy things to say." It sounds puppet-like and so far from being a real person.

That person is not the measure of all things. I'll say that s/he doesn't measure up to one of the things that is most admirable and appreciated about you: Your unfailing thoughtfulness and support of others, always well-considered and offered in the most caring way.

Not "good enough?" Nay, you are more than good.

LAURIE, NYC

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2/24/20 9:51 A

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CAROL, thank you very much for hearing me. I agree that mental/emotional conditions are no different than other disorders such as diabetes. I really appreciate your support.
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DEB, thanks so much for replying to me - twice! I agree that people’s misunderstanding of mental disorders comes from ignorance. I try hard to remember that, but it still hurts and rankles. I can’t thank you enough for the very kind things you said about me - it means so much and I’m extremely grateful for your support. You are always so generous and uplifting!
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SNUZYQ2, you are so right about mentally sound people being unable to understand mentally ill people - they just have no frame of reference. And I understand what you’re saying about the religious community. I’ve been a Christian almost my whole life and while some people in the religious community are understanding, others seem to struggle, though I’ve noticed it has gotten better over the decades. I was hospitalized for mental issues 4 times in my twenties and one of those times, a distant family member sent her pastor to see me and he was kind but at the same time implied that if I were a “better” Christian I wouldn’t be having those kinds of problems. It really shook me up and hindered my recovery. I mostly hid my conditions, but was active and involved with my church during my last hospitalization and was very surprised by the understanding and encouragement from folks in the congregation. They wouldn’t have understood the details of my struggles at all (especially the OCD scrupulosity), but they prayed for me and sent cards and a few tried to visit those six weeks I was hospitalized. They welcomed me back to church with open arms and that meant so much. *I don’t know what to say about your religious community thinking mental illness is from sinful human nature. I wonder if they think heart disease, diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis are from sinful human nature, as well? Even Paul had a “thorn in the flesh.” *It breaks my heart that your daughter is shunning you. She must be one of the fortunate people who don’t struggle with a mental condition, or she would be more understanding of your struggles. I hope someday she will come around and will show you compassion and unconditional love. *I admire your ways of dealing with your illness - thank you for sharing. I think “outing” ourselves in safe places is a way of destigmatizing mental illnesses. Thanks so much for your support.
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Miller

"I forgive myself and set myself free." ~Louise Hay

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be." ~unknown


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2/24/20 3:12 A

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I think, perhaps, that the hardest thing in the world is for a mentally sound person to understand someone who is mentally ill. They simply don't have any yardstick to measure by because they've never walked in those shoes. And yes...this is truly isolating. It's the primary reason that the mentally ill want to hide their affliction from others. I live in a Christian community of people who I love very much, but who believe that mental illness is a function of sinful human nature. Needless to say, I try my best not to expose these dear folks to my illness. Those closest to me, however, see very clearly how my illness affects me and my DH. I'm now shunned by my own daughter who believes I'm able to just snap out of this and be a better household organizer, homemaker and housekeeper. Sigh. It adds an extra load to an already difficult diagnosis. I'm so glad for SparkPeople and for this team because we can be open with each other and understand where we're coming from. I don't think I'm going to hang my hopes on others understanding my illness at all. I don't know if my daughter will ever come around. It's OK. It is what it is. I've not wished this illness upon myself. All I can do is deal...one day at a time. And part of dealing, for me, is not giving into a negative mindset about all this. It's about being brave and seeking opportunities to be patient and kind and finding ways to compensate for the losses my illness brings and finding little things to be thankful for along the way. To be cheerful when I feel as though I've descended into a cave. To take my meds faithfully and be thankful for them. So...for the record...I've got chronic major depression, manic depression 1, PTSD and schizoaffective disorder and I don't mind sharing that with you and the team. There...I'm outed!!

All things are possible.


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DEBTEVELDAHL's Photo DEBTEVELDAHL Posts: 16,414
2/23/20 10:20 P

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Hi Miller,
I just wrote you a long response and my computer messed up and deleted it, so I will try again. I agree with Carol. There is no way you should shut up or bury your feelings. No one is positive and "up" all the time. As for caring and kind people onsite, you are one of the best people I know when posting and expressing yourself. It seems to me that the person complaining about your supposed complaining is doing the exact thing that they are accusing you of doing. It is trite to dismiss depression and other disorders as something other than the diseases that they are. As Carol says, how is your diagnosis any different than one for diabetes, or any of the other myriad diseases out there? Such people are unfortunate victims of ignorance, when it comes to depression or some of the other diagnosis' out there. You have every right to your feelings and you should not have to justify yourself to anyone. As a poster, I don't know anyone who is more perceptive or supportive than you are. Listening to such bias is hard to do. We are here to encourage and support one another on good days or bad. Your feelings and emotions are yours to express and no one has the right to make you feel bad about sharing those feelings. I would love to say don't listen to the uneducated, but that is almost impossible to do. We have a couple of threads just for complaining or being sad. You should be able to feel safe and know that you can express yourself any way you chose to feel - especially here. Don't feel alone, because you have lots of company. You are a fantastic person depressed or not. Take care and God bless, Deb

Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson
Deb
PST - Pacific Standard Time - West Coast
Portland, Or
Co leader of the Dealing with Depression team
ML/WL co leader of the Rowdy Rebels Spring 5% Challenge 2019
Co leader of the Living with Bipolar Disorder


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CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,568
2/23/20 8:46 P

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I hear what you are saying and , no, don’t feel you have to shut up. As far as the people who say you just need to read a book, I might ask what book diabetics should read to feel better. The medical conditions you mentioned are no different than diabetes or other chronic conditions. Emotional illness is not your fault.

Lost 65 lbs and maintained since 2006.


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MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 27,168
2/23/20 8:40 P

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Do you ever meet people who don't seem to understand why you're not "up" all the time or positive all the time?

I freely admit I struggle with being negative. Not only was I reared that way (to think life was hopeless), but I've also had years of abuse as a child and (for a few years) as an adult, plus a lifetime of mental illness (chronic and major depression, severe OCD, GAD and (I'm told) PTSD).

I try to be more positive and often am much more positive than I truly feel. But that doesn't seem to be good enough. It has me feeling alone, misunderstood and frustrated.

Does anybody else ever feel this way? One person recommended I read Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People," saying that one of the tenets of this book is to never criticize or complain and then they spoke of the virtue of people who never complain.

Maybe it's an excuse for my own behavior, but I don't trust people who Never complain, as that doesn't ring true to me and seems artificial. But maybe some people are truly that happy.

Can anyone relate to what I'm saying or do I need to just shut up unless I have only happy things to say?

Miller emoticon

Miller

"I forgive myself and set myself free." ~Louise Hay

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be." ~unknown


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