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LADYPJAY's Photo LADYPJAY Posts: 1,885
4/21/12 4:28 P

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Today I am scrapbookinging. I am going through boxes and bags of papers, pictures, cards, and clippings from the year after I lost my daughter on 11/9/08. It is amazing how many parallels there are between what I am finding and what is going on now, this year and not just due to the calendar months. I found invites and notes about 2 weddings on 5/16/09...I was told yesterday that on 5/16/12, Nicole will be memorialized in the newly created courtyard at her high school. I had a newspaper clipping of President Clinton's cat, Socks, who was put to sleep in March of 2009 in Hollywood, Maryland where my son lives. We had to put our cat to sleep this past Presidents Day...and I went to Hollywood, CA, where my other son lives, this past spring break. By the way, Clinton was Governor when that son was born in Arkansas. Now I am beginning to freak myself out a bit, but it makes for interesting scrapbooking. It is interesting to see where you were the year after you lost your child/loved one and then see if there are any similarities between those times and events and where you are today. emoticon

Mind, Body, Soul & Finances...and Pink Flamingos....and Now Tigers Too!


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FLGATORMOM's Photo FLGATORMOM Posts: 124
4/18/12 6:25 P

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Thank you for your reply. I hope I didn't upset anyone but I am just not at a good place. I hope to be but I am not now. I guess it is so hard now because almost one year has gone by and people expect me to be ok. I've learned to say I am ok because that is what they expect and want, and it is just easier than the truth. hat a rotten club we belong to. I am trying to find a happy noteto end this on but I can't. I will try to come back more often. J

Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.


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LADYPJAY's Photo LADYPJAY Posts: 1,885
4/16/12 4:15 P

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Thank you for writing. I understand you completely, and I believe most of us understand, if we are totally honest. There are still times I want to howl at the moon 3 years, 5 months and 7 days later after losing my 17 year old daughter. There are still times I want to give up all hope and just let every thing go, but I can't because I have family that would be crushed...at least I hope they would be...that is the me talking who feels bad...like if I were a better mother Nicole wouldn't have been in the car and wouldn’t have crashed.
CF is great, but time only heals a part. There still is a feeling that this is all a dream. A woman spoke the other day of her husband being diagnosed with cancer, and she said she felt she was in a dream or a fog. That's the way I still feel at times. I push to go to work and enjoy life still, and I succeed a lot of the times out of spite or to live for my daughter, but I understand that at times I just want to scream at those who act like time heals all. These are our girls. It hurts!
The week before Easter I was upset about life in general and wondered if bad things happened because I had made so many bad decisions. Had I not understood God? I was really ready to throw in the towel and give up, but I can't. I have to believe in Jesus for Heaven's sake, literally. I know for one I do not have myself all together!
I do know this. I thought the other day that Nicole was lucky because she may have missed a lot of the wonderful stuff in life, but she also missed the crap. The hard stuff is hard! But the good stuff is really great, and I don't want to give up. That is why I am online in this group and others. We need one another. Helping each other will help us get through it and eating well and exercising will help us too.
Check in often so we can all help each other.
~P.J.
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Mind, Body, Soul & Finances...and Pink Flamingos....and Now Tigers Too!


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FLGATORMOM's Photo FLGATORMOM Posts: 124
4/15/12 3:30 P

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I have been away since I went back to work in January. I tried immersing myself in my new job but it hasn't helped me personally with all my emotions. The anniversary of my daughter's death is May 1st and I miss her more, if that is even possible. I really try to be all together but it is such a lie. I am really a total mess. I hate to always be crying but it doesn't take anything to make me cry. I want to be strong and ok but I am just fooling myself. I know people at the Compassionate Friends meeting says it takes time but that isn't helping me now. I hate to be a downer and that is what I feel I am.. Even here, everybody seems to have themselves so much more together than I think I will ever be. I was just wondering if anybody here is at the same place I am? I can't pretend it is all right any more, because it isn't.

Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.


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LADYPJAY's Photo LADYPJAY Posts: 1,885
3/21/12 5:44 P

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Happy to see two of my favorite Spark friends reply, I was just wondering if anyone else makes a connection with weight loss and feeling better about the loss of our child…or at least handling it better.

Both my husband and I have been working hard at losing weight. I am at 14 pounds. He is at 29 pounds. Together we are near losing 50 pounds! I feel that as we take weight off our faces, bellies, and legs, we are also feeling the weight lift off of our shoulders a bit. My grief is feeling lighter.

I know we grieve in stages, and it has been 3 years and 4 1/2 months for me since losing our 17 year old daughter, but I feel that I am beginning to move on...NEVER forgetting and ALWAYS missing her, but I feel that with my loss of weight I can do more and enjoy more in life, and I want so much to do that for my daughter. It's like I am living for the two of us.

I cannot wait until I can buy new clothes, and actually enjoy it since we shopped a lot together...not always enjoying it since a mom shopping with a teenage daughter was not always cool or easy.

I had a party here the other day for the first time since losing Nicole. I had to move some things that I had allowed to clutter into her room, and I was okay with that as I plan to redo the room to make it ours. I want to have her favorite clothes in the closet and my “feel good” clothes there too. I want to have her books and mine and our scrapbooks and craft supplies there too. I want to make it a place to relax and be creative, to read and to write, to do yoga, and to pray.

I honestly believe that eating healthier and losing weight has helped me to get to this point, and for that I am so grateful to SparkPeople and to Unexpected Angels.

Happy Spring! I would like to also write this as my blog on my page, but I would love to hear what people have to say here.

~P.J.

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Mind, Body, Soul & Finances...and Pink Flamingos....and Now Tigers Too!


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WALKINGTHETALK's Photo WALKINGTHETALK Posts: 286
3/12/12 9:12 P

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Many of my spark friends are from this group too - I will try to be more active here as well!

Sharon - Ontario


It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.
- James Gordon, M.D.


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DLEERICH1's Photo DLEERICH1 SparkPoints: (9,869)
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3/12/12 9:01 P

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Good post!

I'll try to check in more often. Even if I wasn't trying to lose weight and get healthier, I wouldn't give up this team. It--and I truly believe this--saved my sanity when everyone around me looked like they had gotten on with their lives and I hadn't.



"Above all else, remember this: to thine own self be true."


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LADYPJAY's Photo LADYPJAY Posts: 1,885
3/12/12 6:59 P

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Of all the groups on Sparkpeople, this is the one I relate to best because no one but us can understand what we have been through, and our loss is as much a part of us as our challenges with weight. Most of my sparkfriends are from this group. I hate to see us, as a group, lose our momentum. So how about it, Ladies...and Gents, how about a bit more posting.

I for one have lost 14 pounds. I have felt really focused. In fact, it seemed that I was the one teacher today who was not exhausted from daylight savings time. That made me feel great! I know it is because I am eating so much better!

How about y'all? emoticon

Mind, Body, Soul & Finances...and Pink Flamingos....and Now Tigers Too!


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