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NESTIZMT's Photo NESTIZMT Posts: 1,552
11/15/19 10:39 A

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When I read your post I immediately thought that it sounds like since you live with her, she expected you to be there with her and maybe even cook for her and when you go to the gym or eat foods she doesn't like, she gets disappointed that things aren't playing out as she planned and she lashes out. I agree that maybe finding time once in awhile to have dinner with her or spend time with her might be all she is looking for and it might help her back off a little. My grandmother got really hateful when she was older and since she lived with us, we couldn't escape it. We figured that she didn't like that we still had our youth and she didn't, and judged everything we did and chased away our friends. Good luck to you, it might get worse before it gets better.



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11/14/19 1:33 A



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I hope it works well for you and your grandmother. However, if she chooses to NOT go out, maybe you could bring a nice lunch or dinner home for her and you two enjoy it together .... or play "Ladies" and enjoy a High Tea. If this is unfamiliar to you, this link will show you
www.stamford.com.au/spak/restaurant--bar/a
uckland-high-tea


Of course, you will BOTH have to get all dressed up in your fineries and make-up, and maybe put some nice old-time music on that she enjoys, and then just have your mobile camera ready to take some selfies with her LOL!

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SAILORSATURN79's Photo SAILORSATURN79 Posts: 194
11/13/19 11:08 A

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Thanks for the suggestions SlimmerKiwi. I think I'll take your advice and see how we can spend more time together.

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11/13/19 2:05 A



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Have you thought about asking your Grandmother if she would like to go out? ... for lunch; for dinner; for shopping; for a look at the scenery, etc. It might be worth a try, especially if she is feeling lonely. Maybe she is also feeling like she isn't needed/wanted, and that can impact considerably on how a person, especially when they are older, interacts with family. Sometimes fear or loneliness can bring about unpleasant or unwarranted comments. I have witnessed it many times in my work experience with the elderly.

Kris



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11/12/19 9:49 P



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Dear SorS79,

My intuition is you likely know her ways of engaging you with passion are the reasons for these silly protests. Since it takes two to keep an argument going my choice would be to make no response to the things that don't make sense and instead give her a compliment of tell her how much you appreciate something nice she does.


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SAILORSATURN79's Photo SAILORSATURN79 Posts: 194
11/12/19 9:11 A

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I suspect based upon our past interactions she is jealous, however, there are definitely some other things going on. Her health is deteriorating, she does not have a positive relationship with any of her four children, and is getting older (age 84). She became widowed many years ago and likely feels lonely.

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11/12/19 4:41 A



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I wonder if your grandmother is making those comments because what you are doing is foreign to a lot of her age group. A lot of people were brought up on meat and vege and nothing else would do, or fried meats and fried everything else. 'beans' as in black beans; kidney beans; etc. etc. weren't really seen as a veggie and some see them as 'fart food' LOL!

I would be inclined to say something like
"You know I love you Grandma, but sometimes people have and want different things. I need to go to the gym to help me stay fit and healthy. I also meet my friends there, so it is social for me too. I appreciate your thoughts but I don't agree with those ones for me..... but I STILL love you, you're my favourite Grandma"

and then give her a hug if it is something you would be inclined to do, and leave it at that.

Kris

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NIRERIN Posts: 14,680
11/11/19 5:57 P

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Have you tried to talk to her to figure out if anything is going on? Because I am not seeing any jealousy or shaming here at all. Some people consider beans to be an inferior protein and I feel reasonably confident that the best solution is to agree to disagree on this one. Neither of you is likely to bring the other around. Saving gas and not going to the gym when the weather changes really sound like grasping at straws. Is your grandmother feeling confused or is she otherwise just a little bit off? Sometimes these are the first signs that something might be wrong with your grandmother. Lashing out a little (or being snide) is how some people cover up that they aren't quite following along like they used to. My grandfather would periodically get really irritable and snap at various things that used to not be an issue. We finally caught his blood sugar somewhere in the 300s during one of these episodes and figured out he had diabetes. Managing the diabetes helped the other. If she hasn't had a checkup recently it could shed some light on why she is doing what she is doing. Hearing loss is another place where people can latch on to the one thing that they know and use their defense as an offense to muddle up what the problem actually is.
Beyond that is there any reason that she would feel less safe if you are not in the house? Does she have a support network outside of just you? Is she eating if you are not in the house? Some people won't put for the effort for just themselves and others can become confused, think that they have eaten and are taking care of themselves, but aren't. Sure, your grandmother might just be mean spirited, but there might actually be a little fire that is causing the smoke.

-google first. ask questions later.

LUANN_IN_PA Posts: 30,960
11/11/19 3:35 P

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Do you always announce to her when you are going to the gym?
I don't see why she needs to know your comings and goings, since you are an adult.

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."
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SHOAPIE's Photo SHOAPIE Posts: 31,925
11/11/19 3:25 P

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Just tell her you appreciate her concern but will do what you feel is best. You are an adult, remind her now and then.



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SAILORSATURN79's Photo SAILORSATURN79 Posts: 194
11/11/19 12:12 P

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Does anyone else get the impression their family members are jealous of them? I am 28 and live with my grandmother (and pay to live there!). I grew up with her but the first time I lost weight, she always made snide comments. Lately, she has made the following comments that suggest she is upset I go to the gym regularly (5x/week).

"Don't eat so many black beans. It's unhealthy." [This one isn't gym related but this was some BS].

"To save on gas, you should go to the gym less." [My job is 8.8 miles away but the gym I go to is only 4.3 miles.]

[I told her yesterday I was going to go workout this morning because the weather was supposed to be bad during the evening when I usually go and she replied...] "Don't go to the gym - is that really necessary? It's not healthy to go when the weather changes."

I called her out and told her I did not appreciate her showing resistance to my gym habits to which she became defensive and denied it. I think the real reason she makes these comments is to dissuade me from becoming my best self and because she struggled with her weight among other personal demons.

GRRR.

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