A man's idea of planning for the future means that he buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.
Why did Dorothy ge... Read more
Dying man: You know, honey, you've always been with me through all my troubles. Through all my bad times, you've been there. When I got fired, you were there. When my business went down the toilet, you were there. When I had the heart attac... Read more
A woman was going through her husband's desk drawer and discovered three soybeans in an envelope containing thirty dollars in cash. So she asked him about it.
And the husband said, "Well, I have to confess. Over the years, I haven't been com... Read more
A man took his wife to the livestock show and they looked at the champion breeding bulls. The wife said, "Look here. It says that this bull mated over 150 times last year. Isn't that something!"
And the husband replies, "Yes, but it wasn't ... Read more
After twelve years in prison, a man finally escapes. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!"
An Aztec says to the Inca, "Hey Pocapopeptl, how long have you been wearing t... Read more
A wife wakes up in the middle of the night and finds her husband sitting on the bed crying. She asks, "What's wrong?"
He says, "Remember when your daddy caught us in your room when you were sixteen and told me I'd have to marry you or he was ... Read more
A male and female pigeon made a date to meet on the ledge outside the fiftieth floor of the Chrysler Building. The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late.
"Where were you? I was worried sick."
"It was such a nice day, ... Read more
A man exercises by sucking his stomach in every time he sees a beautiful woman.
Son: Dad! I got a part in the school play! I play the husband.
Dad: Too bad they didn't give you a speaking role.
A little while back I got a RoboVac... Read more
Why did God make man before woman?
You need a rough draft before you make the final copy.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump your leg at a cocktail party.
Did dishes today. So glad that I can do them wi... Read more
A man walked into a supermarket and bought a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, and a frozen dinner for one. The woman at the checkout said, "You're single, aren't you?"
The man said, "Yeah, how did you guess?"
She said, "Because you're ugly." ... Read more
A young lady came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell!" ... Read more
A woman comes home shouting, "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!"
The husband exclaims, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or for the mountains, or what?
And she says, "I don't care. Just get the he11 out."
My i... Read more
Men pass gas more often than women because women never close their mouths long enough to let the pressure build up.
Did you hear about the couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "... Read more
Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is, "I am."
Really. What's the longest sentence?
I decided that instead of getting married I'd just buy a dog.
Because after the first year, a dog is stil... Read more
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Wife: If I died, would you marry again?
Husband: Yes, I would.
Wife: And would you let her come into my house?
Wife: Would she sleep in my bed?
Husband: Probably, yes.
Wife: Would she use my golf clubs?
Husband... Read more