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Boundaries, letting go, toxic positivity

Monday, May 17, 2021

I try to be careful with boundaries but they can be a fluid thing for me. I really watch myself around my older sister as she tends to use me as her therapist or more like I'm there to listen to her rant. I'm aware of this, and know (mostly) that's what can happen if I spend time on her on the phone, or now, in person.

I've had to be firmer with boundaries around my husband. He isn't good with technology and I'm usually drafted to help him with his iPhone, his Garmin, etc. A friend of his is retiring and there's a website where you post your memories and pictures. I'm not familiar with this particular thing but Ken made a comment yesterday that he "needed me" to help him. This is the wording he uses and it bothers me. Finally, I said, something like "you may need me to help you but you need to ASK me." It was feeling so demanding. And I was already a bit grumpy, gosh knows why, so I shut my door and watched the sea otters for awhile. Then, he emailed me his comments to review! Pretty funny since we are in rooms next to each other. He got the message though!

Letting go: I am trying to do this with the friend I mentioned in earlier blogs. It has been hard. I am still hurt. Hoping with time it will become less, and I can figure out how to move forward.

Toxic positivity: This is a term I recently became familiar with; it's especially useful when you are going through a health problem. www.healthline.c
Included a definition and some examples. Basically, it's always putting a positive spin on things. I'm all for that, but I have gotten a bit tired of people doing it for me! There are days when I don't feel that positive and have been working on not JUST ignoring how I feel. Mostly, I am able to be grateful for all of the things. I just don't like to be told all sorts of things about how I should feel or react when it comes to my particular situation. WHEW.

I am a bit excited about starting an adult fitness program for cancer survivors. It's mainly strength training using resistance bands and that will be great for my left side. I've had some pain this week, not sure why.

I walked today, it is cooler her than normal after a week of really hot weather last week. I swam yesterday. Picked up some non-alcoholic beverages I like and stopped at Old Navy. My art class is over for the summer - sad face- but glad the instructor is getting a break. She worked hard this year.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DESIREE672
    A very good blog. I’m wary now of trying to cheer up my husband when all his health conditions are getting him down, because I noticed I wanted him in a good mood for my own comfort rather than his. I avoid the words “at least” with anyone who is in a bad situation, but I have to bite them back because it’s kind of an automatic reaction.

    It’s funny how the word “need” has changed from being a soft word to a word that is a way of ordering someone to do something!
    72 days ago
    I'm glad you shared the article about toxic positivity. I wish I had understood all this when my older daughter was in a horrible situation during late middle school that I didn't know all the details about. I wish I had just listened to and acknowledged her pain without wishing that she would be positive and grateful so that I--myself--could feel better. I'm so glad I know this now. We shouldn't discount others' feelings, or ask them not to feel them. At the same time, you're right about boundaries, and there does come a point for all of us when we have to say "that's enough" listening (as with your older sister). I should have listened to my daughter's feelings, but we can't lose ourselves in destructive patterns of too-much-selflessness, which I also did at times and felt resentful. It's hard to balance all this!

    I'm glad you made Ken understand that he shouldn't assume that you must always help him. Speaking of my daughter, she understands technology, too, whereas Toshi and I don't, so I'm in Ken's position of needing some help. I have to be careful how much I ask for, though. You've written a blog that applies to so many areas of life where we all have to be thoughtful and tread carefully.

    eta: If those are your paintings, I can see why you didn't want painting class to end. You are talented!
    73 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/17/2021 8:06:45 PM
  • ELSCO55
    73 days ago
    Love the art photos... they are beautiful.

    Takes work, establishing and maintaining boundaries! Worth it, of course, but work, nonetheless.

    73 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Shedding toxic friends is hard, but it is SO worth it, I promise you'll feel better in the end.
    73 days ago
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