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My reminders from the beginning

Sunday, April 04, 2021

I research. It's what I do. I watched youtube videos of others, I read studies and summaries, I went to the National Weight Control Registry because I'd seen it mentioned in a couple of articles here.
The starting take aways for me here were:
Most people quit their 'diet' or other new habits within 3 months

The maintainers are doing things that I could definitely do.
So my commitment to myself (NO MOTIVATION, JUST HABIT!) was to log my food and drinks for 4 months. If I could do it for 4 months, I beat out all of the people who quit, and I made a real, lasting habit.

I told myself I didn't have time to exercise for an hour a day, but read that as long as you're going for 15 minutes, it counts as exercise. I'm like... I could do that 4 times a day, no problem.

With my health setbacks in 2018, I had to give up the running I loved and the weight lifting exercises I'd just started. But this reminder is, as long as I walk slowly, and resist the urge to run, I can go for 15 minutes without putting myself in danger (yes, it is dangerous for me to tire myself out, I ended up in the ICU on a vent after being forced to exercise when I was younger because that was what the doctors prescribed me (mental middle finger to them BTW, who diagnosed me with 'depression and attention seeking' rather than 'myasthenia gravis'. I wasn't depressed, I just couldn't move. Whatever, sidebar. LOL.).).

I've been unemployed a couple of times since 2018 as well. Financial stress. The divorce.
It only took 5 years, and I know he'll drag me back within another 2 years, but at least it is FINALLY OVER! So, I had to make our SNAP benefits stretch and accepted a lot of ingredients and meals from my generous friends and family... but those meals were not in line with my prior eating habits and I had no idea how many calories were in them.
Then I was dating an absolutely lovely man for about a year, who always wanted to cook for us. The thing was... it was all very high calorie, high in carbs high in fat (don't get me wrong you know I increased my fat intake at the beginning of the journey, but there is too much of a good thing).
Then, once I was working again, it's been 50-60 hours at week at my main job and then the hours I have had to spend on side work because I do not earn enough money at my main job to support myself and the kids and my ex-husband (who makes more money than me but pretends he doesn't). Whatever, paying it is cheaper than fighting it... which I could not do anyway without more money up front. But in America, you get what you pay for... he racked up about $150,000 in legal fees harassing me, compared to the roughly $17,000 I spent to defend myself against his accusations.
Any rate, trying not to be bitter. Between all the work and the schooling at home with an ADHD child, I've been exhausted.
I was not cooking much, relied A LOT on takeout and prepacked foods.

NO JUDGEMENT to me. I do NOT feel bad.
I was not beating myself up about it. It was reality and I just had to make it through each day.
Weight loss is doable. BUT it DOES take time. I did not have that time and could not pressure myself with yet more things I *should* be doing.

I spent the past couple of days going through my old content here. Some things are inspiring reminders of how well I did. Like, okay, counting from today, between here and next March, if I do the same, I can weigh 183lbs before my next birthday.

Other things? Just made me tired and sad.
I started working through my blog posts from the beginning. I was so young and optimistic. Then I was older and in denial. Then I was older and admittedly coping in an abusive situation (thank you folks for pointing out when I would write about my day that my ex-husband's behavior was NOT okay and giving me quizzes to ground myself and admit what was happening).
My old sleep logs from FitBit! He LOVED sleep deprivation... I'm looking back at those nights, multiple in a row, where I only got 2-5 hours of sleep per night... like, the way he used to just come up with excuses to wake me, or be upsetting to me so I couldn't sleep, or wake me up early. Just horrible.

For weight loss, I did not need to look at older posts, but I was trying to monetize my technical blog for an additional income stream. And I'm like... if I can get 10,000 hits per month with such niche content, what could I do with a more widely appealing content, like food? So, I started a new blog:

I have been scraping content from my Facebook food album, I figured I could do the same here, to start drumming up more traffic, before I create new content.
So, yeah, otherwise, I would NOT have looked at that old stuff. I don't need the reminder. It is not my life anymore and will never be again.

Thank you for the warm welcome back.
It feels so good to return.

I also updated my ticker. The first time around, I had mini-goals, so I would not be intimidated by the scale of the effort. My goal now is to get down to 220, which is a weight where I am fairly comfortable.
After that, I will move it to 199 so I can be in Onederland again, then to 185 where I feel is a great weight for me. At that point, I will determine if I want to go for my stretch goal of 169 (or 130lbs down from my highest).

This pic shows 299 and 171, my highest in 2013 and my lowest in 2017.
I'm currently 264, so uncomfortably close to the picture on the left.
No judgements, just data.
I just do better than I did last week, and I will progress, even if not perfectly.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Yes, you've been through SO much. I'm so glad to see you posting here again.
    68 days ago
    You've been through so much these past few years, but you survived and are stronger than ever. I have no doubt you'll get back to where you want to be. You know what to do and how to do it...it's time for YOU again emoticon emoticon
    70 days ago
  • ALOFA0509
    emoticon You Did Before, and You Will Do It Again!! You Got This. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    70 days ago
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