Thursday, February 04, 2021
Life has changed drastically since just before Thanksgiving. Left 15yr marriage (5 days before anniversary), husband attempted suicide Thanksgiving then spent 2 weeks in mental health hospital (he wanted the help), went through rehoming his dog as well as mine. Grateful that my parents are letting me live with them for now. Injured my right knee in there as well, then fell down some concrete steps (just 2 tall ones) landing on concrete making it worse).
Husband is doing much better. He is working closely with his doctors for the correct medications to help him and he is learning to rely on himself and finding his self confidence.. We are still on good terms and talk frequently. My knee is finally getting better - injured muscles are better but the fall aggravated arthritis so I may be near as good as it will get which will leave me with some new limitations.
I saw my doctor yesterday, 4 month follow up. All of the above was between 11/10 - 1/5. So there has been a lot happening. Lots of anxiety, stress and emotions. I was really nervous about the appointment because at my last visit she diagnosed me with Diabetes 2. My A1c had been 6.5 but my fasting glucose readings were higher than normal (130's-160's). So we were to discuss options yesterday. New labs were done and my A1c is now 6.2. The morning sugars are still wonky - can be anywhere between 116-147. But I'm working on analyzing what I eat before bed and how that could affect the morning numbers. And we discussed the "dawn phenomenon" where sugars can be higher at first due to extra cortisol released to wake the body up. My bp was perfect for me 126/87 ( I am on a low dose med). But NO diabetes medicine needed at this time and no changes to my other meds. And while I beat myself up about the scale being stuck and gaining and losing the same 6# for months, I am still down 10# from when I saw her last. She does have a colleague that does special work with obesity and he treats the whole person and I am going to see him. I told her that I "know" what to do, I could write books on what to do, but I just can't get there on my own.
Life with my parents. There is calm and peace. Not the chaos I was living in before. I knew it had gotten bad but when you are in it and living it you don't often truly see it. Dad at 76yrs old has turned into quite a chef....never ever would have dreamed of that...lol. But he does all the cooking and has his daily routines set taking care of the household. I help out as I don't want to seem like a freeloader. But with the drama not being a daily thing, I am starting to sleep better, I am eating better (thanks dad) - but not eating the junk food that used to be in the house. Oh I still have access to unhealthy stuff at work, but I'm doing better. I am grateful for being able to spend this time with my parents. They have each outlived their own parents by at least 20yrs. With COVID I hadn't gone and visited them in months, just texted or talked on the phone. I do know that due to me working outside the household there is a greater risk of them being exposed and I do everything to keep them safe. There is still no hugging or touching and our chairs at about 8' apart. So I am going to drink in and enjoy this time that I have with them. It might be a year before I can afford to move out again as we are having to file bankruptcy and then I have to file the divorce papers. So it will end up being a fresh start for both of us.
The doctor helped to remind me that I am doing good. I don't give myself the credit. I always criticize myself or only focus on my screw ups each day. I need to work on this mindset as it will end up holding me back and I really don't want that. I want to use this time to rebuild myself - my confidence, my strength (emotionally and physically) and make changes to become the person I have always wanted to be but never thought I actually could.