I'm not THAT important nor impressive
Wednesday, January 06, 2021
My latest mental/behavioral changes to change my pride and how it affects my depression
I have been looking into what I do and how much of it is to feel special (even when know one know what I am doing-- in case they ever find out or ask-- I want to say something impressive).
One area is I read non-fiction books about spirituality to learn and be "a good Christian". But the truth is my life has changed very little in the last few years. Same with self help books. I feel like a good person working on myself...but rarely do I continue with what I read and then I have to re-learn the concepts down the line.
SO I have the pressure "to be better" and reading these books made me feel accomplished, important, productive, doing the right thing, special. (PRIDE)
I used to think it was solely because I felt unworthy to live as I am...that I had to continually work on myself to be worthy to live. And that may be a huge part of it.
But I need to look at the fact that I am not really changing-- just reading voraciously "thinking" I am getting to be a better person....but in reality nothing is changing.
So I have stopped some of the books I was reading. I had some that I was only reading because in certain circles they are important books. I thought by reading them I'd be special and part of the group. But I don't run in those circles anyway. So the knowledge in these books is wasted on me actually. I might as well read a mystery and enjoy it. The truth is, as long as we are not self-destructive, people do not care what we are doing with our free time. I am impressing no one.
Letting these things go ( and other things besides the books,) it is taking a bit of a toll on my depression.
I am no longer doing things that I thought were impressive to others. Now I have to adjust to the reality-- I am not impressive (which that thought helped keep my depression from getting much worse than it already gets)
I am an average person and life on the daily is not full of important accomplishments.
Regular, non-eventful days seem very bland to me.
Anyway-- I have been spending more time listening to my son and watching his game clips with him. Since I don't have anything "important and impressive" I have to get back to...then I have no excuse to rush out of his room and cut him off/ make him feel he is interrupting me and an intrusion.
It is difficult because I am not at all interested in his gaming or rap music and that is all he wants to talk about. I have to force myself to pay attention. But he is a bit kinder now that I am changing. He hasn't said he noticed but I notice his change towards me. So it is good.
It is just a big paradigm shift.