Last Friday was such a good mental health day...and I was hoping the good feels would continue on into the weekend, but other things beyond my control must have had other plans!
Saturday was "ok"...the hubby's day was hijacked by online course and scout obligations...so I dealt with being "alone" and cleaned and cooked. Funny how the day prior had everyone occupied and me free wheeling, but the very next day, when I have an actual day off with the family who is supposed to have a day off as well...nothing goes on and I feel alone and resentful. Videogames and sleeping until noon replace school work for the teenage boys.
Sunday was a day of verbal diarrhea of complaining to my husband about everything under the sun as we took a drive out to a campground to check out some new sites since we invested in a generator for the RV. He just let me vent. We left the kids breakfastless and bought egg sandwiches to eat by the cove. It was nice to get out of the house.
We went to the Christmas Tree Shoppe to check out the stuff and browse...I think we are the only people who can go into that store and not buy anything! Going in there made me anxious - I'm not a holiday person. I get stressed out just looking at decorations because I can't decide what I like. I don't know where it comes from, or why....probably linked to self-worth somewhere...but I digress. It's weird. I stink at buying gifts too...obligatory gift buying is against my nature. I do better with spontaneous heartlfelt gift giving. Holidaytime also means spending money...and between the crappy gift giving attitude and budget watching, I am the Grinch. And I consciously try not to be, but it happens every year, like clockwork. But I digress.
We returned to find the kids saying "hey, you left us without food" and sat them down to give them what's what on how me being the constant maid of the frat house has been making me feel. They didn't even have a rebuttal because they knew that I was spot on.
Monday was a day when I opened my mouth at work to get some follow-up action because...you know, things have to get done and we are on a time crunch. I got a back handed observation comment on how to conduct my meetings in the future. I'm the only person who actually has meetings that are productive. That's my job. If I wasn't there, there would be things that would not be happening for the company's growth. I was livid and shut my mouth after that. As a woman, you know that when "fine, be that way" creeps into her mind - you better let her cool off.
Last night was a birthday party where I made my family wear masks inside the house. We aren't around my family as much anymore as a part of their bubble. Thanksgiving is next week with the older in-laws so I'm thinking of them. Wearing masks is also me making people aware that this has to be part of the new normal for the foreseeable future. I'd rather wear a mask than not see my family.
It was also decided that my holiday of Xmas Eve is going to be completely changed up since I already cancelled the larger extended family gathering, and because "Covid". My bro approached me first stating that if one family has a cold in it, then the whole shindig gets derailed. If we break it up and rotate houses for apps, main meal, and dessert, it will take the pressure off and be easier if someone has to bow out. I get it. It's a good idea. I like change. A half hour later, my sis brought it up and already labeled it the "Christmas Crawl"...and that's when the hurt set in. The two of them already decided. I was told how it was going to be done with the option to pick what I wanted to make. I know it was not done intentionally, they see each other more because their daughters and the families mingle more...I get that. It's just that I really felt left out.
It bothers me that I am feeling this way. I meditate. I breathe. I work through it. I try so damn hard, for what it feels like every day, to stay steady and balanced. As I'm typing this my throat is spasming and tears have stumbled down my cheeks.
This is loss rearing it's ugly head. Loss of my dad, loss of my holiday, loss of community, loss of my voice - of being heard.
This morning, I was hot. Like rage hot. Like have to wear a t-shirt and sandals in the middle of winter hot. Every single thing was setting me off. Crumbs on the kitchen counter. Mail opened, looked at and left behind. Old receipts piling up. Socks left behind. Blankets on the floor.
I started tidying up the kitchen and emptied the dishwasher...a bowl broke and shattered to a million pieces (fun fact, Corelle does that on tile - shatterproof my a$$) I was so pissed, I slammed the other bowl that was in my hand to the ground on purpose...and I won't lie - it felt good. I had to clean up the trillion shards anyway...what's another trillion at that point!
So that's what spurred off the cleaning of the house before work. Order created out of "chaos." Controlling what I can in order to refocus and make myself feel better.
It's better than eating my emotions...and I get to look at a neater space.
I don't know if this "rage" is part of the tamoxifen side effects, PMS, stress, or the combination of many. I said I wouldn't hide or run from these episodes, so here I am logging and venting.
The term "burn out" keeps popping into my brain. Is this it? Has it finally hit me? All I know is that to prevent it, I have to step up my self-care game and be kinder to myself. To let things go. Crumbs can stay for a little bit. Blankets can lay on the carpet.
I see the holiday season stretching before me and just thinking about it make my heart region contract. It's terrible to feel like this. Wow, there go the tears again! LOL WTH?!? Wow. Instinct is to push it down, ignore and move on, but I know that I'm better off feeling it so I can truly move past it. Acknowledge it.
So that's what I'm doing. Writing is acknowledging it. Working through it.
Thanks for "listening" to the ramblings...it helps to get it out.
This too shall pass.
Have to have faith that it will...