Thursday, August 13, 2020
Back when I was more overweight than I care to admit, I was a chronic and miserable people pleaser. I looked outward for my self worth and happiness. If I made you happy, I was allowed to be happy. The problem is too often the target of my people-pleasing were people who tended to take advantage of that trait and I could never please them.
My disappointment and downright resentment lead to needing some instant gratification to please my tastebuds and numb me from the feeling of failing no matter how hard I tried. I was compulsive in my need to to comfort myself, just like I was compulsive in my need to please others and be recognized by them. In the end the problem was within because the only person I can control is myself.
Part of losing the weight was giving up the burden of needing to have others think of me as kind and giving. Now I really try to focus on what is going on within. I will do something for another person because it feels good and I must let go of having that person indicate in any way it meant something. As soon as giving no longer feels good and resentment builds, I need to set limits. My moral code is within not outward and I am learning to accept when I set limits, some people will get angry. That is about them.
I don't find it amusing to upset someone, though the meme made me giggle. I just can no longer let other people dictate how I feel about myself. I accept myself as imperfect, but lovable. Eager to help, but limited in time and patience. Most importantly, I am worthy of health. I need to take care of myself first with healthy food and exercise.I consider myself a caring person and I am learning not to care if anyone else does. My worth and love grows within.