My Only Ask...
Thursday, August 06, 2020
My name is Mel and I hail from the beautiful twin islands of Trinidad & Tobago. I am 32 years old, married and have 1 child. I have a thriving career in IT and will very soon be a home owner. From the outside, I look as though I have a fairly comfortable life. But I don't.
I hate my body. I hate my weight. I hate my body shape. One would think "that shouldn't affect your life! Be happy with yourself for what you are and not what you look like." But it DOES matter to ME what I look like and how much I weigh.
All my life, I have been overweight and near-obese. I have been bullied throughout my entire school life (even University) because of my weight and looks. My family obliterated my self esteem because of it while growing up, especially my mom. I had no positive reinforcement. No one to say "No Mel. Don't believe them. Don't buy into what they're saying. You are beautiful and worthy and strong." So I grew up believing I was the fat, ugly outcast that would never be accepted in my family and society.
Now, it affects everything in my life. Every decision I make hinges upon my weight. I avoid going out unless it's absolutely necessary (like work or a doctor's appointment). I avoid interactions with people (I have only 2 friends and I talk to them online only). I keep the lights off and stay under the sheets when with my husband. I only wear black and loose clothes to hide my body. I do not look at my reflection. I do not take pictures. I am very self conscious and experience a lot of anxiety and crying bouts when I have to conduct a meeting at work or even talk to my peers or upper management.
I'm sick of it. I have successfully got down to or past my goal weight only twice in my life. The first time was when I was hospitalized for a pericardial effusion and was diagnosed with lupus (134 lbs) and the 2nd time was just last year, 2019, where I was so disciplined and weighed an easy 149 lbs. But somewhere during April 2019 and March 2020, I got severely depressed, lost all motivation to exercise and began emotionally binge eating. I remember gorging on rich chocolate brownies, heavily iced slices of cake and cupcakes, sandwich cookies filled with thick cream, etc. at my desk at work when I was alone and being so ashamed after. And then that shame I felt made me binge more when I got home - chocolate bars, caramel coated popcorn, tortilla chips, etc. and would hide the wrappers in my wardrobe or under my pillows on my side of the bed.
In March of this year, I was sent home temporarily because of COVID. They said they will call me back out in August. During the months of May and the first half of June, I hired a PT who came to my home and trained me. The only thing was he did not facilitate eating plans. So I was working out 5 days a week for 1 hour with little results. I tried adjusting my eating on my own, with little to no result. He would come to my home, directed me what to do and sat on his phone, looking at videos on FB and YT. No tips or anything. Then he would leave. When I was tired of it, I told him I wouldn't be needing his services any more. The stress of the uncertainty of my employer calling me back out to work started to eat at me. I would buy containers of Betty Crocker frosting and hide away in my bedroom and eat it all. I would stuff my face with potato chips and whatever snacks I secretly bought in the supermarket.I was spending close to $200 in snacks weekly. And these snacks was for me alone.
So now here I am today, back at and almost close to my SW on my fitness journey in 2010. Ten years of blood, sweat and tears with my weight being more up than down.
All I want is to be happy with and comfortable in my own body. I want to be able to wear whatever I want and feel pretty in it. I want to be able to lead a meeting and feel confident and sure in myself. I want to be able to meet up with my friends for lunch dates and girls' night out. I want to be confident and sexy for my husband during our private time. I want to be able to attend family gatherings and not hide away in the kitchen or a corner of the living room, dying NOT to be noticed and have my weight commented on. I just want to be happy with and about my weight.
Is that too much to ask?