From the mouths of babes
Wednesday, July 08, 2020
"Grandma, why is your butt so big?"
Ouch. No malice was intended, it was an honest question from a five year old. But it did take me aback.
Why is it so big indeed? I wish my butt, and all 280 pounds of the rest of me, wasn't so big. I sincerely do. I've had a big everything for a very long time now. I can remember being teased when I wasn't much older than my grandson. But this was a new wake-up call. Because I would love nothing more than to comfortably hold my grandchildren in my lap. Or run around with them, play catch, play frisbee, bounce on the trampoline, go for a bike ride.
It doesn't help that my daughter, my grandchildren's' mom, is into CrossFit, competitive golf and nutrition. I embarrass her. I see the looks of dismissal and disgust. She doesn't ask anymore if I want to do something together with her. She just asks me to babysit. It hurts a lot.
I can't even guess how many times I've started a weight loss plan of one form or another. Hundreds of times probably. My story isn't any different than a lot of other people's stories I expect. Try to lose for a special event, for a special crush, to not be an embarrassment to family and friends, to not be like my mother (who I never appreciated enough) I've even had some success at times along the way. Forty pounds here, sixty pounds another time.The fat always comes back and then some. I can't pinpoint when or why things fall apart. But they always do.
I'm not sure what's going to make the difference this time, but I read somewhere recently "If you're tired of always starting over, quit giving up." and it resonated with me. I've never really thought of it that way before but it's true.I have to stop giving up on ME. I've been so busy trying to keep everyone else happy all my life and keep the happy face pasted on, I'm too exhausted to spend any consistent, long term time on me.
That needs to change. I have the time now. I'm retired. I live on my own (with a cockapoo dog) Maybe I just need to start sticking up for myself and start to take really good care of me.