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Had A Fight With My Dad

Monday, January 20, 2020

This morning, I asked my parents if I could treat them to lunch at Sizzler today, and they said yes.

Right now I live with them, but am planning on moving out with my best friend in the next few months. I've been paying my parents $500 each month for rent. Anyway, while I was getting ready for our outing, my mom had the audacity to ask me to keep giving them $500 per month even after I move out, so that she can give that money as my tithe to her church (she knows that I don't tithe). I declined, and said that my giving tithe is none of her business. I do know that she gives my entire rent money to her church as my tithe already, but that's out of my hands, because it's what my parents charge me to live with them. Then I asked her if I give her and my dad money after I move out to help with their bills, will she give that money to her church too as my tithe? And she said yes. :( Then I asked what if I give them grocery store gift cards instead of money? Will they give the gift card amounts in cash to their church as my tithe? She wouldn't answer straight, and said that that was up to her. :( Then I asked what will they do if I take them out to eat? She said that she would accept that as a gift. So, then I said that I had been thinking about helping my parents financially after I move out, but if they are just going to give away my hard earned money to their church instead of using it for groceries or bills, then it would be better for me to just treat them to meals out instead here and there.

Then my dad said that my mom can do whatever she wants with the money I give her. I said that if I am going to be helping them financially each month, I have a right to know that the money I give them will go to good use. Then my dad lost his temper, and screamed that he was not going to lunch, because he didn't want me to spend money on him. I told him that I'm fine with paying for his lunch, and my mom begged him to join us, and then he told my mom to shut up! :( He said that he gave money to me before, and I asked when? He said when I was little, and I said that I don't recall him ever giving me money when I was little. This only made him angrier. So, my mom and I left for Sizzler without my dad.

On the car ride to lunch, I told my mom how my dad is not a good person...a true Christian man would not verbally abuse his wife every day. I feel like I'm being mean saying this, but my dad's kind of a lowlife. He can't hold down a job, and has been mooching off his relatives and the government his whole life. Because of this, my sister and I had to grow up in extreme poverty. :'( I think my sister is over it now, but I definitely still feel resentment. I mean, I will always love my parents, but it's getting harder and harder to be around my dad (which is partly why I'm moving out). My parents don't work, and live off government assistance, and money that their relatives give them. I've pleaded with my parents to move into senior housing, so they won't have to pay full rent (rent in Los Angeles is outrageous), but they refuse to do so, because apparently they have too much furniture to only have a 1 bedroom apartment (we live in a 2 bedroom apartment). I told them how about downsizing? And they won't hear it. Maybe I should just let them become homeless!

When my mom and I were at Sizzler, she asked if we could get takeout for my dad, and I was still angry, so I said that she can use her own money for that, which she did. I tried not to let my dad get to me during our lunch, but unfortunately, my day has been kind of ruined now.

Sometimes I wish I had a better father...you know, someone who is kind, and good provider. :'( Oh well.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LINDA!
    I am so sorry this happened. I understand what you are saying. If you do not want to tithe, then your mother should use the money for necessary expenses such as groceries. As for your father, I really hate that he said these things. I was fortunate to have a wonderful father. But I have known other fathers that sound similar to yours. I hate this for you and your mother. emoticon
    31 days ago
  • RASPBERRY56
    NO man should EVER tell a woman to "shut up"! SMH in disgust! So sorry you're having to deal with this :(
    31 days ago
  • JANIEWWJD
    I pray for you daily because I know you are in a bad way with your parents. You're doing everything you can. Rest assured that you are a good daughter and live your life!!!! Don't allow anyone to steal your joy!!! Have a wonderful week!!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    31 days ago
  • LITTLEWIND53
    I agree with all the previous posts. Just continue to treat your mother to dinner as you choose, and if you want to help with the bills, pay them directly. I also like the suggestion that you start a separate saving account and use any money you put there to help out in an emergency as needed and determined by you and only you.....

    P.S, Tything is only be 10 percent so even if your mother did give part of your rent to her church, she should never give more than 10 percent. Anything over that is not tything, it is an out and out gift to that church. Just my 2 cents worth....
    32 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    I am sorry this happened to you. You're only trying to help them! I can only say I applaud you for going w/your Mom to lunch while he stayed home.

    My parents were both wonderful people, and for that, I feel blessed. My Dad did not grow up under the best of circumstances (His Dad was abusive and then left the family -- he and his 2 sisters -- for his Mom to raise. So, Dad did NOT have a good example of how to be a father -- and perhaps that's your Dad's situation, too. THAT SAID, there are MANY life lessons to learn and just because your Dad MAY not have had the best upbringing, that doesn't give him license to be abusive. Just saying. That would not fly with me.

    For whatever the reason, your Mom is willing to put up with it, at least for now. I can only say, I WOULD NOT. So, I think the suggestion of getting your Mom out on a regular basis is a good suggestion.

    I definitely would not just give them $$$$$, especially if it's being given to the church as tithe! Nope. I think the 2 best suggestions in that regard are either set up a little emergency fund so you can help them out IF ASKED, and if you choose to, pay whatever bills you want to take on DIRECTLY. I would not give them the $$$$ for that.

    I think it is a very wise choice for you to share space w/your best friend and get OUT of the environment you're in. I think it will help you physically and mentally to do so.

    Wishing you best of luck. Trust your instincts. Listen to them and follow them! Make this your year. You deserve that!
    32 days ago
  • BIRBKITTEN1234
    Well I think you did the right thing. One day you won't have to deal with that anymore!
    32 days ago
  • BARBIEIAMNOT
    your 2020! Focus on you. Your sister moved on....follow her lead! Good luck!
    32 days ago
  • BARBIEIAMNOT
    with it! If you insist on financially helping your parents.....YOU PAY THE BILLS DIRECTLY. Don't give it to your parents. And I would only pay the necessary utlities. What they get from the gov. should cover rent and food. Don't let your dad sour....
    32 days ago
  • BARBIEIAMNOT
    My dad was never in the picture....talked to him once when I was a teen. He did not want to have a relationship with me. So it is what it is. As for your dad.....apparently your mom is not tired of his abusive ways yet. But you don't have to put up..
    32 days ago
  • KENDRACARROLL
    Too much drama!
    Ask less and get on with your life.
    I understand that we take care of our parents when they are ill or too frail, but not because they're too lazy.
    Sorry you're having to deal with this.
    32 days ago
  • JRDUPREE
    emoticon when you move out hopefully things will change in your relationship with your parents.
    33 days ago
  • RACHA7
    I’m sorry to hear about the fight with your father. I know a lot of people with nicer moms but have dads who are difficult to be around. Some older men are impossible to be around because of their disrespectful and hurtful behavior. You did the right thing - when it started to get out of hand, you left the situation. Your decision to move out is a good one. Put some space between you and your parents and don’t feel bad about it. Keep the relationship positive and superficial. Don’t blame yourself - you can’t control someone else and their bizarre or unstable behavior. Sometimes the only way to have a relationship with someone like that is from a distance. Best wishes!
    33 days ago
  • SPICY23
    I can relate. I still deal with anger toward my Dad even though he's been gone 2 years now. However I have come to realize he lived in a state of delusion: his reality never was the same as the rest of the world. If he thought he gave me money when I was young then that was his truth and no amount of proof would ever be accepted. He couldn't visit without working on a 'project' and breaking something expensive (which he never repaired or paid for either). While staying with us he would greet me after work with "What's for dinner?". He was a good cook but never offered to make a meal for us. It go so I would cringe when he would announce they were coming to stay for a month or more.

    You will find your own way. Decide who you want to be and live your life accordingly. Value him for the example of who and how you don't want to ever be. In time, with distance, his opinions will cease to matter. If you want, create a bail-them-out account to put $ into as you can. No need to tell them anything about it until or unless they get in a bind and truly need it. Even then, let them struggle to figure it out for themselves before offering to help, and only if they ask.Your Mom though, may need your loving support; maybe arrange to take her on an outing on a regular basis so she gets a break from his sharp tongue too. Trust your heart.

    Peace and Care
    33 days ago
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