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Letting go

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

The providence of God always amazes me, particularly when it comes to Him teaching me throughout the day. Little lessons always seem to come together to shine light on a bunch of things that don't even seem related. All evidence to show that God really calls all things to work together for the good of His plan.
Like today in the spark coaching topic. It was about giving yourself encouragement and positive talk the way you do with others. I know a lot of it was geared toward how we talk to ourselves when we don't go to the gym as we're supposed to or treat ourselves when we're trying not to and how to not beat ourselves up over it but to me it spoke to a different part of my life. This part is to me a position I never thought I would be in.
When I walked in the the 30/10 office two weeks ago I was told that breastfeeding would hinder my weight loss and if I was ok just being coached in healthy eating until I was done breastfeeding. I wasn't ok with that, I wanted both. My coach said ok and we decided to go for it anyway. I was struggling with my supply for awhile now but I was sure I could do this crazy program and get my supply up somehow anyway.
I even did well for the first week. My supply didn't increase but it at least held steady and I lost 8 1/2 pounds that week as well. This second week was different. I got my new pump and my supply was slowly increasing, but my weight loss not so much. I was used to losing almost a pound a day and although I expected to not lose quite as much, I didn't expect to hover at the same weight for three days so early in.
After talking with my husband we agreed. Lila would be find transitioning from supplemental goat's milk to full on goats milk at nearly seven months. This struggle with my supply was too stressful and for what we were paying for this weight loss program we needed to make it the bigger priority. Sure enough, the next morning my weight was down another pound.
I was fighting this for a long time. When Hazel was born I had a goal: to nurse her for at least two years. I knew I would enjoy this part of motherhood but I didn't expect to love it as much as I did. She ended up nursing for three and I was excited to do the same with Lila.
Lila wasn't the same as Hazel. She had undetected lip and tongue ties and would get so impatient that she would be too busy screaming to notice that food was right in front of her so I ended up giving her a bottle of my milk and I couldn't get her to latch after that. Then since I became a full time pumping mama my pump wore out early and I didn't come to realize that it was the reason for a huge drop in my supply until two months later.
I guess a part of me already had to let go of the dream of nursing her the same way when I fed her the bottle but not giving her any breastmilk was a bit of a struggle to me. It's been 24 hours and I'm starting to realize some big lessons that tell me that I need to let go of this idea.
The first thing I realize is that my life is in a different place with Lila than it was with Hazel. With Hazel I was a single mom and it was just the two of us and with Lila I have a dad in the picture who loves both of my girls. I have help, I have the security of a family and comfort at a home that I didn't have when I had the privilege of nursing Hazel.
Secondly, my relationship with Lila will never be what it is with Hazel. I may not have that closeness of her nursing at my breast, but without the stress of pumping constantly I will have
more time to connect with her in a new unique was that I now get to explore.
Finally I came to realize that Lila will never be Hazel. Taking this time to pump milk that just wasn't coming like it used to to build a supply was both taking time away from learning who she is and putting an unrealistic expectation that she would be her sister.
This letting go was a tricky one for me but somehow easier than I expected. It's been peaceful to not have this stress of trying to build my supply back up and it's given me time with both my girls. Maybe my husband will start to learn toward having another child as I want to and I'll have an easier time breastfeeding the third but until then, I'm enjoying my girls as they are, and glad to see the numbers on the scale finally going back down. And like today's spark coach lesson, I'm going to encourage myself by focusing on this loss of stress.
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.