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I need help

Saturday, October 26, 2019


Well, despite my halfhearted efforts I seem to be packing the pounds on again. Yes, I am stepping up to the plate and am fully admitting that my efforts, of late, have been half-hearted ones.

I stepped on the scale about 30 minutes ago and I was both shocked and relieved. I was shocked the scale read 242 pounds but it was also a relief. Trust me, I know you’re all thinking “oh, she was relieved it wasn’t more” but you’d be wrong if you thought that. I’m actually relieved my weight went up enough to serve as a wake up call.

The signs have been there! I have been gaining and losing the same few pounds for months. I haven’t been totally honest with anybody, much less myself. My GERD is so bad - I wake up with it now. This is despite taking prescription medication AND over the counter stuff. I had to buy size 3x tops and size 22 bottoms yesterday. I’m well on my way to being diagnosed with type ll diabetes.

Do I care? Is it my depression that bad that I’ve given up. What can I do?

Well for starters, I starters I decided to be completely honest. I am restarting my SparkPeople Coach account and have decided to start a pen and paper journal about that. In it, I will address my emotional reasons for eating. I will allow myself to be messily creative!!!

I’ve started a new antidepressant so I have to give that time to work it’s magic. But I also have to help myself. There are things I can do to make my “recovery” (not that I ever expect to fully be depression free....but I need to get back to functioning) easier and more sustainable.

I know walking helps me.

I know spending too much time on social media does not.

I know that water helps me whereas coffee has limitations.

I know I love to read and I need to set aside daily time for it

I know our freezer is packed with healthy proteins.

I know my husband is on board

I know I have to dress the body I have now so I’ll wear those new jeans

I know I have great friends both online and in real life

I know how to eat healthy meals

I know the importance of tracking but I also know how I trick myself by saying “ you know how much you’re eating, so why bother. I have to stifle that voice and just track.

I know I love junk food but hate the way it makes me feel

I know I eat out of anxiety

I know my knee pain and lower back issues are not going away if I keep gaining weigh

I know I will never be supermodel thin

I know I will feel joy being able to say “I did it”

I know my progress will be slow but I cannot use that as an excuse to give up.

I know I use humour to cover up how I’m really feeling. Humour is fine but not as a coverup

I know clutter makes me both anxious and depressed. I also know my husband is one sheet of paper away from his own episode of Hoarders. We have to talk! Therapy might be helpful!

I have to do little bits of housework each day to prevent it from overwhelming me.

I have to stop buying fabric until I start making things out of what I have. I think I’m using it as an emotional crutch.

I do need to spend more time in my sewing room

I need to stop grasping at straws - I need to make “Project Susan” a real thing!

I need to stop aiming for perfection and instead focus on “making a solid effort”

I need to stop making changes that aren’t sustainable. Little changes over time, little changes over time and repeat! If not, I’ll be right back here next month writing the same darn blog

I need to view Spark as a tool and not as a way to wile away a few hours socializing and pretending all is well.

I need to start seeing me as others see me. That’s going to be difficult but I think will be worth it.

I need to dig out my Spark cookbook and challenge myself to make one recipe a week

I need to blow the dust off of Spark book...journal about it!

Okay, that’s enough self-reflection. I’m off to crack open a journal somebody gave me and to start finding my groove again.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Reflection is a great start to get back on your journey.



    139 days ago
    I used to have GERD so bad, you know what cured it? Gluten free 3 1/2 years ago and taking digestive enzymes. No longer need Prilosec, antacids. Gluten causes so many problems with gut health, research says, and it helped me get off my asthma inhaler too! My Dr.'s can't believe it! Try it, you may be amazed. Take a good multivitamin too. Depression is terrible, I hope you feel better soon. If you have any questions just let me know.
    I have several blogs up to telling all what worked for me. I lost 103 pounds too.
    154 days ago
    What a Blog!! You have certainly delved into what makes you tick!!

    You mentioned you were close to Type 2 Diabetes. If I may, I suggest you research it and that should scare you enough to get serious about looking after you and losing the pounds you really do want to lose. Start tonight by making a plan as to how you are going to tackle the weight problem. Once you start, you will be off and running. Best wishes for your success, I know you can do it, we all can do it. We just need to start somewhere.
    155 days ago
    Susan, you know a LOT! You're going to get this right, I just know it! emoticon
    155 days ago
  • no profile photo SILVERNANCY
    156 days ago
  • no profile photo CHAYOR73
    Very emoticon now do something about it!! emoticon emoticon
    158 days ago
  • JAMER123
    Susan, you have written another good blog. It's down to earth and very informative. Work at doing what you are saying and writing. In other words, as I say to myself, practice what you preach. I tell myself that on most days and it seems to work. Good luck and have a wonderful week ahead. You can do it!
    159 days ago
    I believe that you have reached that point that many of us have reached (and for some it is more than one time). I also believe that you will be successful. Your plans are good plans. Use that journal. Good luck with Project Susan. emoticon emoticon
    159 days ago
    Such an inspiring blog with all the honesty each of us face in one way or another. You know what works and I fully believe you can change what you need to and make it work to reach you goal to be losing again. emoticon
    159 days ago
    159 days ago
    You can do this. Great blog. I'm here for you. Small steps!!!
    159 days ago
    Perfect blog, Susan! Every single thing you say here, your plans, your reflections--I feel like you are writing my story (except for the part about sewing and fabric because I can't sew, but I create similar distractions). I am totally in your corner and wishing you success as you grapple with depression and turn over a new leaf! We can DO this!

    160 days ago
    emoticon You have the knowledge you just need to act on it ~ you can do it you have it all laid out in the blog and there is never a better time to start than NOW! Take the first step today and smile tomorrow because of it.
    160 days ago
    You are the most positive person I know and your honesty is amazing. I know you can do this but Susan start in small achievable steps that will become huge steps.

    You've got this. I am praying for your success......(and also for motivating me to take on the same journey) xoxox
    160 days ago
  • KAYDE53
    emoticon emoticon
    160 days ago
  • no profile photo CD24558803
    I blogged just like you on Thursday.
    I tell my friend I’m starting again with the weight loss, we have a counted weekend at mine or hers. She goes home or I come home and Monday I behave with food. Tuesday I open the junk food and eat for Britain.
    Thanks to comments on my I. CANT blog I decided. That the only person who can help me is me. I’ve given myself a list of things I need to do and am going to add them weekly as I go.
    160 days ago
    Accepting and being honest about what you are doing a big first steps. Stay positive and you can do this too. Don’t keep beating yourself up. You are worth the effort and you CAN DO IT!!!! ((HUGS))
    160 days ago
    The first step is always the hardest - but you did it now to continue one day at a time (I believe in you and your success) emoticon emoticon emoticon
    160 days ago
    I know Project Susan will be a success!
    emoticon emoticon
    160 days ago
  • BATGURL250
    Great job coming back and admitting your issues. I always see that as a great first step.
    160 days ago
    Keep us informed on how you are doing, I think you have it this time.
    160 days ago
    You got this..it is not easy but so worth it..You have to settle it in your head that this what you want..and start today..commit to simple goals at first..take one day at a time..educate yourself...and remember this is a journey of lifetime..it does not happen overnight..you can't make it a two week endeavor..this is a lifestyle.Try to stay away from fast fixes..they do work for a time..research eating plans and go with the one that you can live with for long term..because that is what you will be doing...You can do this many of have. If you fall get up and begin again ..Just don't ever give up on you
    160 days ago
    You're making the first steps. Keep it up. You can do this.

    160 days ago
  • LYNCHD05
    Susan, you are saying what so many of us are right now too. This is the first step for realizing what needs to be done.
    Make this your goal for the rest of this 5% challenge. I know you can do This!
    160 days ago
    You have pretty well covered it all. I know. I am right with you on most of it. We can do this. I will start by being completely honest with myself and the first thing I will say is I MUST get back on the bandwagon today, not tomorrow.
    160 days ago
    I really love this blog. Honest. I've kind of been there too. You might want to copy that and post it in a place you can read it every day, it's good.

    160 days ago
    You have just written down pretty much everything I said to myself this morning. I, too, seem to be lying to myself about my health and fitness and it needs to stop now! And I know that I am the only one who can do that! My scale seems to be fluctuating the same - up 5 pounds, down 2, up 2 more, and on and on. It is time for me to focus on what's important - my health. Thank you for saying so clearly what I really needed to hear! And good luck with Project Susan! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    160 days ago

    Keep on Keeping on!

    Make today the greatest day of your life!
    Until tomorrow!
    160 days ago
  • GEORGE815
    i have type 2 Diabetes. I don't know what motivation you need, but you are fortunate to not actually have it. Good luck. Have a great weekend.
    160 days ago
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