Oof (Weight Gain, Depression, ADHD, and just a rough week)
Monday, September 30, 2019
Depression has been hitting me hard this year. I'm appreciative that my symptoms aren't as bad as others. For me, the symptoms are heightened anxiety, mood swings, feelings of inadequacy, questioning my decisions, eating my emotions more, feeling sad or angry for no reason, feeling really tired all the time, not sleeping well, etc. Many of these symptoms bounce off each other, like the eating, mood swings, and feeling angry/sad, or the questioning my decisions, feeling inadequate and sad. One of the worst things though is the sadness and lack of focus. The lack of focus makes it difficult, if not impossible, to make progress on my goals. Immediate happiness has become more important than long term, which means I'm eating more food, more of it is junk, and I've been skipping on workouts. Even if I correct one of these issue, I think I can get my weight loss back on track.
I was astounded this morning when I weighed myself and I had gained 6 pounds in the past week. I need to make a plan with definite steps. Just saying I'm going to lose X pounds in X time is no longer enough. I need to break it down into day-by-day; maybe even meal-by-meal. I know my TDEE is between 2100 and 2200 on active days, which means it's probably 1600-1700 on inactive days, which is probably how I gained 6 pounds in a week. I've been inactive a lot, because I have been abnormally sleepy/ tired, yet more quantity of sleep isn't helping me (mostly because I cannot seem to fall asleep at a decent hour). The sleep has been causing an issue because the idea of breaking my goal down to meals feels overwhelming.
It's going to be a VERY rough winter if I don't start curbing the issues now. I need to make a plan, but the idea of making a plan is making me anxious. The anxiety is making me sick and tired, being sick and tired is making me mess up my workout plan, and because I'm not exercising much, my anxiety is going untreated. The ironic part is that all that is making my anxiety go higher.
I was looking at some forums earlier today (when I should have been leaving for work), and I was reading about how a lot of my issues are typical for those with ADHD. I recall, as a child, I was told that I had ADD. I'm fairly sure that the 'H' was not in there because I was depressed, nervous, and simply didn't SHOW the hyperactive side. These days, I am considerably anxious, I have a hard time sitting still, etc. I think my memory issue is directly tied to it. My focus shifts too much for me to remember much of anything. There's also a lot of other issues I need to address. I need to see an ADHD specialist and determine a solution. I looked at my insurance, and the docs they recommend first are closed down. I didn't have much time to investigate the others. I'll check them out after work today, I hope, on my way to the gym. I think I have my notebook in my car. My car and room are both a mess at the moment. That too feels like an overwhelming chore. I know it's just freaking doing it, but still.
I feel really stupid about the depression thing, because I look back at my blog posts and it's obviously been an issue for a long time. I feel stupid about the weight loss because it's obvious that I've been only talking the talk since about May 2017 (over two years ago). The weight loss thing particularly hits hard because of the amount of time I've spent in the gym and thinking about my food. I just have slowly been relaxing onto it. I've been trying the IIFYM (if it fits your macros; strict calorie and macro tracking) and it's too wide for me. I did much better on my old trainer's plan, but it was super restrictive. And I say "plan", but it really was a "diet". It worked well because that's the way diets work. I don't think I ever achieved a lifestyle change on the diet side. Workouts, nailed it. I can see a life where fitness is no longer something integrated, but I see a much greater chance of fitness never leaving my life.
I'm really bummed about the 6 pounds though. I totally understand that it could be water weight, since I was in the heat yesterday, then ate Chinese for lunch, and more junk for dinner (junk being spaghetti and meat sauce, which I don't regret, because it was wonderful).
I just feel considerably defeated. I need some wins in my life. More importantly, I need to acknowledge my every day wins.
I need to forgive myself for the past week too. I was just coming off a break up and I don't handle big things like that well.
I need to Sleep Long, Stay Strong, and Keep On Keepin' On.