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Terrible Plan

Thursday, September 26, 2019

I couldn't take the weight gain anymore so I quit my meds cold turkey. Ultimately, a terrible decision. I'm barely functioning, symptomatic, and while I lost a good chunk of weight at first I'm now simply maintaining even with eating within my calorie range and exercising 5-6x/week. I blame the stress - my anxiety alone has gotten so bad I'm having stress induced seizures. My doctor has started me on a new medication to balance my moods but is going SO SLOWLY in increasing the dosage to a therapeutic level. Right now it's not doing anything. And while we work on that she's not willing to do anything for my anxiety.

I looked into applying for disability because even before I quit my meds I was feeling too overwhelmed by my job but I honestly can't decide if just trying to force myself to work or going through the disability process would be worse, especially with a 67% rejection rate on first applications. And according to what I read the fact that I have higher education will count against me, too. I've considered returning to retail, but I can't physically handle standing for 8+ hours and I need to be able to drink without a schedule because my epilepsy medication causes dehydration (every retail position I've held did not allow me to drink while on shift), and I am not sure I could handle how cruel customers get. Maybe something secretarial? Once I graduate I could try to find something online, but that would mean my husband would have to find a different job and so far he's refused to even consider finding a better job.

I have been considering calling up my old therapist and scheduling an appointment. I graduated from talk therapy when I was pregnant, but with all the emotional turmoil going on it might not be a bad idea to pop back in for some sessions while I wait for my medications to get figured out. Maybe she could help me figure out if disability is a good idea. I'd like to get a consultation with a disability lawyer but that would have to be done during work hours, and I can't really ask for time off work to go consult a lawyer about leaving work.

Next week my baby has a sleep study to determine if his breathing is dangerous, since his pulmonologist is concerned he's not efficiently expelling C02. So he and I will be spending next Friday overnight in the hospital. I have lots of worries about that, mostly my own private worries as I am sure he will sleep just fine. The boy can sleep anywhere. Then that Saturday is my niece's birthday party, but between the sleep study and my own issues I am not sure we're going to make it. I might have to schedule some private family time with my niece to get her the gift I got her, instead of going to a public park with a bunch of screaming 1st graders.
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    I have a Bachelor's degree and I have disabilities. But I had to be in imminent danger of homelessness and ended up living in a halfway house and supervised by an agency before I was awarded disabilities, applying with the assistance of the agency so I qualified to continue using their program. I was also misdiagnosed and put on an antidepressant which caused me to gain weight--making me more depressed. But I had to stay on that medication if I wanted to benefit from other assistance offered to me in that program.

    Thankfully, that was a long time ago and I am now receiving the best treatment appropriate to my disability.

    I have heard that Lexapro does NOT cause weight gain, although conversely in some people it may. I eat to relieve anxiety and stress caused by many things, it's a habit and not necessarily a mental illness. Still taking medication that causes weight gain and experiencing anxiety and stress which can contribute to weight gain is a tough road to walk.

    Do what is best and hang on, it does take most psychotropic drugs 6-8 weeks for the patient to feel the full benefit of them. Some people have to be hospitalized for at least 2 weeks while undergoing this transitional process.

    emoticon emoticon

    588 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/26/2019 2:25:22 PM
    Waiting for your meds to kick in full strength is very hard - I understand, I've been there. But try to have hope, hope that each day it will get a little bit easier. And one day you'll wake up and feel almost normal. When the anxiety hits its peak and you feel you'll fall apart, just breath deep and center yourself. You can do this, one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. You will get through this to the other side.
    588 days ago
  • no profile photo CD25167684
    I hope all will work out well for you. Anxiety is not a very happy thing to have.....So much but you will get threw it all...
    588 days ago
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