Heart broken. Trying to accept what I cannot change.
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
Let me start by saying that I am a VERY fortunate person. I am not struggling with a terminal illness, my family are all reasonably healthy, my marriage is strong (and my husband is hot ;)), and I have a great job that challenges me and at which I get to work with awesome people. See? LUCKY. But while I am not dealing with a life-threatening tragedy, I am struggling. Every day, I am struggling, and I know it's affecting my ability to care for myself and my family.
Long story short - the person I considered my best girlfriend for the last 10 years...an "Aunt" to my kiddos and friend to my husband...who went on family vacations with us and has been considered a member of my family...has decided that we are no longer friends. I do not get a say.
The details of what happened don't really matter. Basically, she moved to another state, I went to visit her, and we had a fight. When I left, things were shaky, but I thought we could move forward. However, she hasn't texted, called or emailed me since. It's been over 2 months now. I have texted her to tell her we are thinking of her (when Dorian went through - she moved to Florida) and I got no response. (I know she is okay because I have checked with our other mutual friends.) She has just ghosted me. After 10 years. Not only me, but my kids, who love her. I finally had to tell them the other day that we will not be seeing her anymore. My 8-year old totally lost it. It broke my heart.
I think of her every day. I miss her. My stomach hurts, I feel anxious and sad. But I am also really angry, and sometimes I find myself wishing bad things on her, or pledging to lose weight to SPITE her. (She also struggles with weight.) That makes me hate myself...because I know I really don't wish bad things for her. So I beat myself up about that, blame myself for the fight...then remember that it wasn't my choice to end the friendship and I get angry again...it's a really fun spiral.
Something that happens to me when I start tracking my food is a feeling of more control. Sometimes that's a great feeling...until something happens over which I have NO Control, and it throws me into emotional chaos. When this happens, I have two responses, depending on the day. Sometimes I go a little overboard trying to control the things I can - like how much I exercise and what I put in my mouth. I might get a little obsessive. On the flip-side, I decide I can't control anything really..."What's the point anyway? Screw it! Let's eat our weight in fries and drink 3 bottles of chardonnay!" Really healthy extremes, right?
So, I'm trying to keep some perspective. I'm writing this blog - putting this out into the universe, and hoping that having written it down will give me some peace. (If you read this far, thanks for your attention and support!) Today I am leaning toward being obsessive about food and exercise, and a bit spiteful. (I'm really mad that she's done this to my kids.) So I'm trying focusing on the fact that my kids are healthy, that they will always have good memories of her, and eventually will get over it. I also have the power to decide to move on and stop letting her hurt me and my family - I just have to do it. I have to let her go. I hope this was a good first-step.