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How did I get like this?

Monday, September 16, 2019

I am a yo-yo dieter. I have battled the same 50 pounds since I was 16 years old. A quarter of a century. The first 20 pounds came when I got my driver's license, which allowed me to hit the McDonald's for breakfast, then Wendy's between Dance team and drama practice...and then Arby's after Drama practice...and McDonald's for breakfast again the next morning. My Freshman year of College added the next 20. No more dance team, and ready access to food 24 hours a day with my magic Student ID.

Sophomore year I dropped 30 pounds by running 3 miles every day and starving myself. At Christmas I got sick, stopped running, and slowly started putting all 30 pounds back on.

By the time I got to law school I was at my highest weight. All 50 extra pounds packed on my 5'4" frame. I was miserable. But I met my husband, and my weight leveled off. I was able to stop gaining, but I was obese and unhappy with my weight. Luckily, it didn't translate to health problems, but it was still not ideal.

In the lead-up to my wedding I lost 25 pounds. It wasn't as much as I wanted to lose, but I was happy to at least be healthier and smaller than I had been when I met Michael. After we were married for a year or so, I dropped the other 25 pounds and got down to a "Normal" BMI for the first time in my adult life. I did that using WeightWatchers, and I feel like I had done it in a fairly healthy way. It stuck for a bit.

Then I got pregnant.

All 50 pounds came back, and then some.

After I had my first son, I dropped all the weight, this time using SparkPeople, and I felt good. It stuck for a while.

Then I got pregnant again.

All 50 pounds came back, and then some.

Now my younger son is 8 years old. I have been struggling for that 8 years to get the 50 pounds off again. I usually eat really well, work out REALLY HARD and get about 10-15 pounds off, then I get injured or sick, stop working out, give up and gain it all back. It's a vicious cycle, and as I age it's only getting harder.

I KNOW I can do it, and I remember how great it felt. Being able to cross my arms and legs easily. Having visible collar bones. Never worrying about what might fit me on any given day. Never worrying about airplane seats, having my picture taken, meeting a new person.

I miss it. I miss my son seeing me in a new dress and saying "Hello Gorgeous!" I miss feeling confident being intimate with my husband. I miss FEELING GOOD. Feeling proud.

I want it back. So much.

I know how to do it. It just feels so hard. I don't remember it being this hard when I lost weight before. But I have to try. Or keep trying, I guess. Here goes...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thanks everyone for the positive comments! Much appreciated!
    82 days ago
    WOW, I love your clarity about your history. I am looking for balance that I can maintain for the rest of my life. For me that means being aware of all my choices and choosing moderation in all things, including food and exercise. Gentle self care.
    82 days ago
  • GEORGE815
    Yes keep trying. Stay with it.
    82 days ago
  • JNGCGW101
    You got this! Take it a little slower on the exercise side. Take it one day at a time. I have been where you are. You are worth it.
    82 days ago
    We are in this together!! You’ve got this! I’m with you on wanting my intimacy back which I’ve totally let go. My very patient husband deserves a better version of me - both inside the bedroom and out. And my kids deserve it too! Let’s do this
    82 days ago
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