Down and Up
Tuesday, August 06, 2019
My mood is down and my weight is up.
I think I've put too much on my plate or am doing something wrong in my life lately. The depression has been coming back strong lately. The little monsters are biting at the edges of my mind and making lots of noise so I pay attention to them.
You would have thought I'd be happy. Happy with the way my life is. I make good money, I'm in decent shape, and I have a pretty girlfriend. But, lately I've been focused on wanting more money, on the money I owe and things I need to buy or do, on what I want and not what I have, on the parts of my body that have yet to change, rather than the parts that have improved greatly.
I know that this downward spiral is very traceable to late nights (lack of sleep), not hitting cardio as much as I need, and letting my meal plan slip. What surprised me was that I think a trigger was too much physical contact and intimacy. Usually, the trigger is lack of social activity, not too much.
At this point, unfortunately, I'm spiraling down because I've acknowledged that I'm not doing well, which makes me feel bad and do worse. It also makes me ask myself "Why am I doing this? What for?"
When I'm depressed, the answer is "I don't know.". When I've got a bit more energy and kick in my step, the answer is "For my health, my confidence, and my life. I want to live the way I want to without worry about failing." I.e., "I want to live life at my fullest."
I know how to get myself back on track. Lots of veggies, lots of water, more workouts. I think my workouts are also getting boring. I haven't been tracking my weight or taking pictures as consistently. It's just... gah. Too many goals, too many areas to focus on.
In the same way though, I'm starting to realize how boring my life is. Work, gym, martial arts, occasionally yoga, and dating. There's not enough... fun in my life. I go to the movies on the weekend. Etc. No, that isn't what I meant. I have fun. Fulfillment is probably more accurate. I feel like I'm not making a difference. I need to do something. Not something drastic because that's how problems are created. I'll ponder on it.
As always, sleep long, stay strong, and Keep On Keepin' On!
(I should follow my own advice.)