Friday, July 19, 2019
So, I had a call with my health and wellness coach/ counselour yesterday. We were talking about a lot of things, but there was one big thing.
I was talking about how I have good weeks (several good workouts, healthy eating, overall feeling good about myself, exuberant and motivated) and bad weeks (one or two not-so-great workouts, sloppy eating, really hating on my body, tired, and struggling to just hit my minimum thresholds). I had also mentioned that I noticed that there's still a little bit of self-anger that I use to push through hard workouts.
She asked me if there was anything I notice early in the week for either of these. I told her, yeah, on bad weeks, I struggle with my workouts, I look bad, etc. I end up beating myself up, etc. There's a lot of anger, shame, and frustration going on. And yes, on good weeks, I love my workouts, I am curious to see how much I lift and I expect to fail at some point and take that in grace. I feel good about myself and I like my body. I eat clean (meaning a good balance of fat, protein, fiber, etc.). If I go over my calorie range, I forgive myself and try to balance it out later. I'm overall kinder to myself.
She pointed out to me, or I recognized, that I can have a low weight workout and still have a good week. It depends on how I talk to myself that it's a good week. In good weeks, I tend to try harder.
There was a time when anger fueled my workouts, but it's not needed any more. I am strong, I know good form, I understand how to push through without relying on anger. I can separate aggression from assertion.
So, this whole conversation came out because of my new girlfriend. She tells me I'm attractive. That's a huge sticking point for me. I have a really hard time accepting and owning that. Ever since I've been dating her, I've been on a streak of good days. The correlation is not lost on me. I think it's hitting me that "I'm attractive" is a positive motivator and is leading me to be able to do better. I keep thinking that if I push a little harder, eat a little better, get a little stronger, be a little closer to that image I want to be then someone will find me attractive and want me. Yet here it is. She finds me attractive as I am.
Right there is how I know I have a hard time accepting it. When she tells me I'm attractive, I will reflect it back at her (tell her that she's attractive) or dismiss it (tell her I'm not done). Well, I've been working for years to achieve the state I'm at and I didn't know Stephanie then. I didn't do it for her. I did it because I want to grow as a person. I want to accept her compliment and truly believe that I'm attractive. I want to be able to go to the beach without a shirt again. I want to wear sleeveless shirts. I want to feel like I deserve love and happiness.
I want to feel like I deserve love and happiness. I want to feel like I deserve love and happiness. I want to feel like I deserve love and happiness. I can't express that enough. And I hope... no, I believe that someday soon that will come true. And I have a feeling that it's going to be a big day. I think it involves breaking through a mental/ emotional barrier and I think other stuff and fears are going to come pouring out. I think it's going to require a while to get back straight afterwards. But, it'll be worth it. I just need to trust her... nay, I need to trust myself.
I want to be a more joyful person and be known as a sharer of joy.
One last note: NSV. I am, at minimum, back to the strength I was when I was working out with the trainer twice a week. It's astounding and I'm loving it.
As always, Sleep Long, Stay Strong, and Keep On Keepin' On!