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Well Deserved Self Loathing

Sunday, July 07, 2019

Today, I am so angry with myself. How did I ever let my life get this out of control? It's not just my weight. It's everything. I'm 308 pounds. My house is disgusting. I'm broke. I've been trying to fix all three things a little at a time.

The weight has been coming off. I'm down 27 pounds. I'm trying to clean my house. It's going slowly because I'm so out of shape. Cleaning is good exercise, so cleaning and eating healthy work really well together.

I've struggled a lot with money for two reasons. One, I have been really stupid with money. Two, I've struggled with anxiety, depression, and extreme fatigue and that has really limited how much I earn as a freelance writer. I am working for a really great client, I just need to work more hours. With the anxiety, depression, and extreme fatigue, it's hard to focus. I sleep 12-14 hours a day, and I still struggle to stay awake and alert during the day. I've had a ton of medical tests, but I still don't know why I struggle with fatigue. I'll keep getting tests and keep trying to get healthy. It's all I can do for now.

I'm really angry with myself now because I put off getting a dental for my dog. He's needed one since May. I was sure I was going to get it next week. However, my dogs face swelled up today, so he obviously needs a dental right now. It will cost $500-$600. I'm an idiot for putting it off. I just had so many unexpected expenses. My car just died, so I need to pay for an Uber to get my dog to and from the vet in addition to the vet bill.

I am so angry at myself for being such an irresponsible moron. I had an emergency fund, but my car went through it. I'm 52 years old. This is no way for someone my age to live. I'm not saying that everyone who struggles financially is irresponsible. I know some people have good reasons. I don't. I've mostly just been stupid and my mistakes have hurt my dog.

I really need to grow up and become an entirely new me. No more excuses. I need to work more and get my finances in order. I have got to be more disciplined and stop being so wimpy. I absolutely can't wait any longer to change.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • _SHERRY_
    I can relate on SO many levels! When I read your post I thought to myself "she feels about herself exactly how I feel about me!". I have a BIG problem with self blame and self loathing. It's feeding my depression right now. It's leading me to continue binge-eating. It's not good for me and it's certainly not going to help you either! I think we both need to start from a solid foundation before we make these changes. Sounds like you and I are both on shaky ground. E-mail me and maybe we can help each other onto a more positive path!
    96 days ago
    You WILL figure it out emoticon
    96 days ago
    emoticon emoticon None of us are perfect.... but "self loathing" will hurt you.
    have more virtual hugs as these can be healing. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    97 days ago
  • no profile photo INCH_BY_INCH
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    97 days ago
  • no profile photo CHAYOR73
    Seems like your on the right track!! emoticon and you'll see results!! emoticon
    97 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    I do understand emoticon I basically have the same struggles. We are here on Sparks and we are trying. I do hope the rant and getting it all out helped you. Financially I am also struggling, I need a job, any job but who would even hire me. My house is also a huge mess. You are not alone is what I am trying to tell you. All we can do is take one thing at a time. Don't give up keep Sparking and keep working on you because you are so worth it!!
    98 days ago
    Argh. So frustrating when things seem to pile up like that. But you didn't get where you are overnight, and it's going to be a day-at-a-time to get things straightened out. And you're doing what you need to do! Working on your weight, getting your health looked in to, and you're obviously determined to turn things around. It's a day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time, small changes that pile up. Change never happens as fast as I want it to. I've joked about "Lord, grant me patience, and I need it RIGHT NOW." But you said it yourself, your weight is down; cleaning is good exercise; and you know what needs to be done. Making mistakes doesn't make you an irresponsible moron, it makes you human. Learn from them and move on. You've already learned a lot about what needs to be done. Now comes the hard part... actually doing it. A day at a time, baby steps. You've got people here who are pulling for you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes you have to clear away wreckage before you can start building something else. The new structure may be wonderful--but there's junk to clear out of the way first. Keep doing the right thing. "You must always remember: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
    98 days ago
    Now, hold up there, buckaroo. That's my friend you're talking about there. Did the rant make you feel better? Whether it did or not, it's time to move forward. No amount of self-loathing is going to make you suddenly "better." If it did, neither of us would be here, right? We'd be off on a fabulous vacation, enjoying our fabulous lives, with our fabulous bodies. But we're not. We're here. We're on Spark, and we have a great circle of supportive friends, and we are all working hard to be better people. SparkGuy Chris talks a lot about the crisscross effect with losing weight, getting healthier, financial health... It's all connected. And you're doing the work, Lori! You're posting, you're blogging, you're participating, you are NOT retreating! You are showing up for yourself! It WILL get better. Take small steps each day, and it will get better. I believe fully in your power to change your life. YOU CAN DO IT.
    98 days ago
    You should look into getting Care Credit card. It is for medical expenses only including veterinary. If paid in the allowed time interest free. You can't change yesterday but You can make today and tomorrow better. Hang in there.
    98 days ago
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