Emotion and Nausea (or is that "ad nauseum" LOL)
Tuesday, June 04, 2019
I've just had something come up and I'm trying to figure it out WHILE I type this blog... so this blog might not make a lot of sense and/or it will probably sound like I'm rambling. I'm trying to put some pieces of a puzzle together.
My daughter (23 years old) called me this afternoon bawling because she just got written up at her job for the first time. She's a manager (and a good one, albeit VERY green) at a Sport Clips. Background info is that she's being treated for bi-polar and it's been rough trying to get her meds right. They aren't right yet. It's a work in progress. Add to this that she has a history of alcoholism in her family and lately it seems to be rearing its head. A new wrinkle to deal with. Add to this that we live in Colorado where pot is legal and she's a pretty heavy user. Add to that the whole not - so - good - at - healthy - relationships issue, low self-esteem, loneliness, etc. You get the picture? So she calls me bawling because she just got written up. Forget the reasons. It really isn't that big of a deal. What IS a big deal is the personal side (that her bosses don't know) of her having gotten the write-up. She was supposed to call in for a manager meeting this morning and couldn't find her phone. And she apparently didn't try too hard to find it because she was nursing a hellacious hangover. Because she partied way too hard last night (at the house, thankfully - I have managed to get through to her on the don't-drink-and-drive issue). Her bosses don't know that somehow (I don't want to know) her phone ended up in the freezer and she couldn't find it. Am I alarmed? Um, yes. But this isn't a new situation. I would have to quit my job and take her away from "LIFE" in order to stop this sort of thing. It's not an option.
So she calls me. I deal with it. I parent. I give the tough-love speeches. She gives me attitude. I tell her to take it down a notch because I'm the one she called and I'm the one that's always there for her and I'm the one who is helping her navigate this latent growing up she's doing.
I hang up. Nauseous. Seriously feel like throwing up. Try to concentrate on MY job. Finally decided to take a break and ..... drumroll please ..... EAT something. Um. Okay. You're nauseous and you're not hungry and you're going to eat something? SO. I make a good choice, but that doesn't change the WHY on my end. So I start thinking about it.
Last time I was so successful at sparking and lost the ton of weight that I did, I came to the realization that a lot of my bad eating (binge eating) habits were a result of my trying to induce a food coma (unconsciously). I figured out that my eating was a way to shut off the voices in my head long enough to just freaking RELAX.
Well, now I'm thinking there's more to it than that. (It's never as easy as you'd like to think, is it? Ugh.)
Ever since I started sparking again at the beginning of this year, I'm realizing that I've been keeping a lid on an awful lot of frustration in my life. And, true to my prior journey, I'm having a hard time letting go of things and am speaking my mind more and more. I don't LIKE confrontation. I don't like that the people in my life (husband and daughter) have so many freaking ISSUES.... ALL THE TIME. And I don't like the spot I get put in all the time in having to choose how to react or not or whose feelings are being hurt or ALL KINDS of aspects of it.... EXCEPT MY FEELINGS. Instead, I try to minimize the frustration and the nausea. I eat to - to what? - to make the nausea go away? To divert myself from the darting thoughts in my head so I can focus? relax? move on? keep my mouth shut? AHHHHHHH. I'm gonna go nuts.
Is it any wonder that I fantasize about getting in my car and leaving them both? Temporarily or permanently..... I don't really care. I just want to relax and not deal with all the crap they shovel at me DAILY. If it isn't one of them it's the other. And, yes, that means that yesterday and the day before, it was the hubby. And "he's sorry" just like he always is, but that DOESN'T make it go away. And I've just spent the last two days trying to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF and today was going to finally be an even-keel kind of day again and - WHAM - my daughter calls and has HER issue.
Bleah. Calgon take me away!
Bit by bit, I WILL figure this out. I WILL do what I need to and learn to take better care of myself. I WILL learn how to tell them "enough." I WILL keep my priorities straight and I WILL come up with a new way to get rid of the nausea.
BIG SIGH of relief. Thanks for letting me do the verbal vomit thing. I needed that!