I've been "refocused" for about 5 days now. I gave myself a goal and I KNOW that I CAN do it. The trick is reminding myself daily that I can. I know this because I've done it before. The problem is that I was successful, but I also gained all of the weight back. Obviously, I didn't make enough changes to truly change my lifestyle. To that end, I doubt myself that I will actually be able to achieve my goal: A healthier me.
I tell myself that as long as I'm thinking about it and making any effort at all, I'm in the process of success. I tell myself that if I quit and just throw it all to the wind, that's when failure truly happens. When I quit trying. So, I won't but I feel a bit like the mouse on the wheel - always chasing.
I read the motivations, I read the posts, I read the daily lesson, I read my past-blogs and my brain says "yeah, I know all of this". Sort of a "been there done that" snarky voice in my brain. But truthfully, I may know it but what I haven't done is truly applied the knowledge. I let myself skim along the surface.
Over the last few years as the weight crept back on I discovered a few things about myself.
- I'm an emotional eater. I eat when I'm sad, upset, or stressed. It's a go-to for me.
- I have very little will power. I give myself way too many "outs" and free passes. Once I slip, I keep sliding.
- I'm not very nice to myself. Right now I don't think very highly of my own body and it makes me want to pull into myself and... eat.
- I make progress (a pound or two) and feel like I've made progress so I reward myself... usually with food.
As I've spent some time the last week or so, going back through my blog posts (seriously, over 100?!?!), and truly reflecting on ME, it has opened my eyes to where I need to make my first changes. I don't know yet how I will do this exactly, but I am going to try.
Community helps. Blogging helps. Daily interaction and reflections all make a difference. Not just the tracking. I think I got lost in just the calorie counting and need to pay more attention to the actual ME, my habits both good and bad.