Trying to be Grateful
Tuesday, February 05, 2019
I know I should be happy with my body, grateful for everything it can do. I can walk up 4 flights of stairs - albeit being a little winded at the top - or snowshoe or lift heavy bags of groceries and I can swim and hike and dance (most days, when my back allows it). And I KNOW that the body I see in the mirror some days and feel like I am a horrible gigantic balloon is NOT what I am seeing, and that I'm actually quite trim for my height and age.
I recently weighed myself a few days ago, after quite a few weeks without stepping on the scale. I was CONVINCED that I would've put on 10lbs and be back up in the 160's, there was no way I couldn't be. Well, I weighed in at 154lbs, about the same as the last time I weighed myself not long after Christmas. Basically around the goal weight I had set for myself when I first began using Spark and set my first foot on this path to a better life.
So why do I have such a difficult time seeing the success? Seeing how different I am than I used to be? I can actually RUN now, without things jiggling painfully - except my bosoms LOL. That's a huge deal for me. I just... I don't know how to feel in this body of mine.
I feel like I'm letting it down, not appreciating it for everything it gives me, for everything it allows me to do. I feel like it hasn't shrunk enough, which is neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things. Only when I look at photos of myself with other people, or near objects the size of which I know well, do I really realize just how 'small' I have become compared to how I used to be.
I feel so lost in my skin at times. I have no clear concept of my size, of the space I take up in the world. If I'm so disgusted with myself most days now, how on earth did I live with myself 30 lbs ago?! I have so much work to do at loving myself, at accepting my body any way it comes. That seems to be harder than changing how I eat or trying new exercises ever was. I wish there were exercises for self love that didn't make me feel like such a giant cheese ball. I'm not a mantra person and chanting away "I am worthy, I am beautiful" just makes me cringe.
I have so much more work to do on myself, to become the lighthearted, happy person I want to be. I wish it were easier. But nothing good ever comes easy...