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Trying to be Grateful

Tuesday, February 05, 2019

I know I should be happy with my body, grateful for everything it can do. I can walk up 4 flights of stairs - albeit being a little winded at the top - or snowshoe or lift heavy bags of groceries and I can swim and hike and dance (most days, when my back allows it). And I KNOW that the body I see in the mirror some days and feel like I am a horrible gigantic balloon is NOT what I am seeing, and that I'm actually quite trim for my height and age.

I recently weighed myself a few days ago, after quite a few weeks without stepping on the scale. I was CONVINCED that I would've put on 10lbs and be back up in the 160's, there was no way I couldn't be. Well, I weighed in at 154lbs, about the same as the last time I weighed myself not long after Christmas. Basically around the goal weight I had set for myself when I first began using Spark and set my first foot on this path to a better life.

So why do I have such a difficult time seeing the success? Seeing how different I am than I used to be? I can actually RUN now, without things jiggling painfully - except my bosoms LOL. That's a huge deal for me. I just... I don't know how to feel in this body of mine.

I feel like I'm letting it down, not appreciating it for everything it gives me, for everything it allows me to do. I feel like it hasn't shrunk enough, which is neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things. Only when I look at photos of myself with other people, or near objects the size of which I know well, do I really realize just how 'small' I have become compared to how I used to be.

I feel so lost in my skin at times. I have no clear concept of my size, of the space I take up in the world. If I'm so disgusted with myself most days now, how on earth did I live with myself 30 lbs ago?! I have so much work to do at loving myself, at accepting my body any way it comes. That seems to be harder than changing how I eat or trying new exercises ever was. I wish there were exercises for self love that didn't make me feel like such a giant cheese ball. I'm not a mantra person and chanting away "I am worthy, I am beautiful" just makes me cringe.

I have so much more work to do on myself, to become the lighthearted, happy person I want to be. I wish it were easier. But nothing good ever comes easy...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • INGMARIE
    The hardest change is in the head,mindset is very stubborn,after all it has been with us so long,on the same track.
    You have done great and looks great.Embrace this. Positive thoughts works.
    emoticon
    287 days ago
  • SPICY23
    emoticon This is not easy. Changing your mindset can be rough because you have to give up how you used to see yourself in order to see who you have become. Ask yourself how seeing yourself the way you used to look serves you in some way. Maybe there are some guilt feelings with how you look now. Seems like it should be easy to celebrate all you have accomplished, but this isn't always the case. I get you about the mantra bit, feels like brainwashing, so the mind rejects. Good luck with the deep diving.

    Peace and Care

    288 days ago
  • CHRISTYANDJASON
    You are like I was. You have achieved one goal and did amazing. Now you must work on mentally catching yourself up. I grew up fat and even when I looked my best I found a way to put myself down. Read Redeeming Love and Battlefield of the Mind. 🙏
    288 days ago
  • KAKAKALI4
    You are doing amazing! Give yourself the credit you deserve. We are always looking for something we aren't -- instead of what we are. You need to stand in the mirror and compliment all your accomplishments!
    288 days ago
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