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For Diane(DoesSmiles)

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Here ya go, my fellow kennel mate. I am not a blogger. As you see, I've tried. It's tough for me to sit down and write about the real me... the ugly truth, as it is also called. I've never shared it all... I come from a stoic German mom who said, "We aren't here to let it all hang out... you don't need to share everything about yourself." Notice, she didn't say that's because no one cares and I'm sure she didn't mean it that way. It was just how she grew up. She also shared with me that when you know better, you do better... which is why she said I would be a better mom than she was, because I would take what I like and leave what I don't. Sadly, she died when I was seven months pregnant with my oldest son.

So back to this for Diane... Diane who challenged her fellow kennel mates to BLOG.

Honestly, it's not about being the popular girl and having people read it for kudos on my part... it's about the first part of my mom's lesson when I was younger... "we aren't here to let it all hang out." I'm not comfortable about sharing everything about my weight loss journey. You gotta tell the truth and I've become quite the avoider of the truth when it comes to weight loss. I don't want people to know how much I weigh... I tell them it's none of their business. I've stopped donating a specific way for blood donations, because I refuse to get on the scale for it. You'll get your blood, just not as quickly as before. It's none one of your d*** business. You can see that I am definitely over 150 pounds. No, I'm not stepping on the scale at the doctor's office... it ain't my physical. Besides, do you want me on suicide watch? (Kidding here)

It's about the shame.

There's actually quite a bit of shame involved in this process. Who really wants to share their shame? Like what the h***??? How is it that I continue to abuse my body with food after all these years? Back when I was 40, I lost nearly 50 pounds. I found it again over time. Yes, I still carry that shame. It's heavier than the weight that I put back on. The shame I feel when I look at my husband, who loves me through thick (fat) and thin, my sons who feel the same, my friends... ditto. But ME... the shame I feel when I look in the mirror. How could I let that happen?

The shame, as I remember coming back from a summer at my grandma's (dad's mom) and my mom yelling at her saying, "What did you do to my girls? My 10 year old (me) needs a bra." The shame of sneaking food, because after a summer of being over-fed, I didn't know when I was full, so I bypassed that and went to stuffed. The shame of being bullied for not only being sensitive ("cry-baby... let's make Monica cry) to now being fat... I'm sure for those of you that have been fat as a kid, you need no reminders of how cruel kids can be.

I don't like sharing it, because it sounds like whining. Whiners don't win. And weight loss, you gotta be a winner. But there you go... letting it all hang out.

And fat people... we learn to cope... we're usually the funniest or the smartest. But we try to find a way to fit in, while protecting ourselves. Our hearts, which are generally broken because of the extra weight we carry around.

So, over the years, I've been the fat girl. Fatter sometimes more, sometimes less, but never the thin girl, except for the brief moment when I was 40. So brief that I barely remember it. The scale hit 158 at Weight Watchers and I asked my leader, "So how do you support your members once they hit goal?" "Oh, you don't even have to come to meetings any more. You just weigh in once a month." What? You're going to let me go it alone? You've given me no real skills. Why did I get so fat in the first place? Can I live on zero point soup and two point bars?

I know that I have to delve deeper into why I abuse myself with food. I need to quit lying to myself. I remember seeing Ann Wilson of Heart talk about her weight and she said that she was the opposite of an anorexic, because even at her highest, she didn't really see herself as fat as she was. She'd see pictures and wonder who that was. I'm a bit like that. I won't step on the scale for a while, then my clothes get tighter and I see a picture and think, who is that? When I decide to get on the scale, I don't know who cries more, me or the scale. Then the shame. It's a vicious cycle.

So let's blog it out. I'm eating healthier, more intuitively, making wise food choices, walking more, moving more, lifting weights. It's coming off... not as fast as I want, but it's coming off. Can I live with what I'm doing now? Yes, I think I can. When ME becomes the priority, which I'm working on, I know that I can do it and the weight will stay off.

Diane... this one's for you!!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Great blog!
    192 days ago
  • DBEAU57
    I look at pictures of myself as a kid, and I was chunky until I hit my teens. Then I was skinny, but the funny thing is, I never felt skinny.

    As an adult, I put on weight, the 10 lbs they say most people put on each year. By my 40's I was almost 200 lbs. Being only 5 feet tall, that made me look like a roly-poly. I got scared and started trying to lose. Then at 57 I joined SparkPeople and was able to lose some more. After I retired, I started walking and lost more.

    You're right. One step at a time. Do what you can for now because every time you lose a little, you'll be able to do a little more.
    829 days ago
    There's a reason it's called "comfort food."

    One problem at a time - you're doing great! emoticon
    829 days ago
    Incredible blog!! Your honesty in this blog is an inspiration to everyone.

    I totally get where you are coming from. I went from being the "skinny kid" who couldn't eat large bites so I ate more food to help feed the growing child. After having surgery I started to eat like a "normal" person, but I don't know what a normal portion was.

    Diane is also always getting on my case about not being able to blog and it is pretty much for the same reasons as yours. I hope that your blog will inspire me to blog and do it more often. Thank you so much for giving us this awesome blog.

    829 days ago
    What an awesome blog ,so many of us feel your pain. We were right there with you! Maybe it was the best thing you could have done.Now you know you are not alone, so many of us feel the same.Now my bones are breaking down and I am losing weight but if you look at my photos you will still see a blob because the tall girl is shrinking , four inches in the last year.So I look at photos and say who is that no matter how hard I work.
    830 days ago
  • KATIE5668
    I enjoyed reading..not enjoying your pain..but certainly your honesty. Tis a battle , especially for those that have dealt with weight issues since childhood. yeah kids are cruel..but the cruelest words come from within our own heads!
    We need to stop negative thinking about ourselves and that my dear friend is easier said than done!
    Thank you for sharing so openly. Your words about your Mom made me remember my own Mum.
    She would say frequently..you could be pretty if...fix your hair,,wear different clothes ( me tomboy..jeans, boots and a sweat shirt were good, after all the horses love ya as long as you bring them treats!)
    Blog if you feel it helps..be honest no one is going to judge..most of all..be kind yet firm with yourself.
    830 days ago
    Moni just as the "other" did I've also hit the "I like this" button to.

    My Mom who was French said that too about not letting the neighborhood see our business.
    But their generation stuffed their feelings and expected us to also. Thankfully many of us have learned to not pass that on to the children we had or mentored. Hmmmm makes sense? Does to me. My Mom was a courageous and strong woman and she was raised that way.

    Your blog speaks volumes. I was the very skinny kid. Hmmm yeah made fun for that, thick glasses and bad hearing which lead to a speech issue.

    Indeed even as I was quickly learned funny and smart was the way to do it. But Moni developing these skills,, yes survival skills and not just 3x8sting(usually a mixture) shows there's a warrior in you.

    Slow and steady DOES win this journey. For some of us(me included) it'll be a lifelong journey. That's ok!!

    I've learned to treat myself as I treat my GD and the little guy. I'd NEVER tell them they're failures, stupid, bad etc. Why do that to myself? Is that something you may want to pass along to those you love? Perhaps yourself?

    This is a most amazing blog hon. TY for doing it. I'm proud of you!!

    830 days ago
    830 days ago
  • SUSANM18
    Good for you! You've aired some of the scary stuff, and I'll assume you are ok. Maybe a bit lighter for letting some of the stuff out of that baggage you've been carrying around? Hope so. Thanks for sharing. Susan
    830 days ago
    WTG to Diane to push you to blog!! What an awesome blog. You are a great writer!! Keep them coming and I will keep reading!! And Yes I clicked "I Liked This" Button!! Hugs, Moni emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    830 days ago
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