Is it me?
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
I managed to reach my weight goal of 150lbs last year, which was great. And I've mostly maintained that (I've gained a few lbs over the holidays) but honestly, I don't feel like I look all that different. Yes, physically, I know there's a big difference. But... I still see the same fat person in the reflection as I always did. I still feel HUGE, like someone stuck an air hoze under my skin and just inflated me, like I'm some ludicrous human balloon. And I know that's not true, at all, but still... it's how it feels.
And I'm torn, wondering if I should be happy where I am, or try to lose more weight? Will I feel any difference another 10-20-30 lbs down? I've been thinner than this in the past and still felt fat and repulsive. So maybe it's all in my head and no amount of weight loss will make any difference in my life. I'm just so down about it...
To make matters worse, I've started a new co-op job, and I have no idea how to incorporate exercise into my life now. During the previous semester, I was able to use the college gym between work and classes quite easily - though even that fell by the wayside nearer to exams. And during my last co-op semester, I would go outside walking during my lunch hour. But it's winter now, and it's FRIGIDLY cold outside, not to mention sometimes sleet or snow or freezing rain is falling and that's certainly no pleasant weather for a stroll. But I can't find the energy to exercise at home and the idea of paying for a gym membership - none of which is conveniently located near either work or my home - just doesn't seem appealing.
I don't want to lose all the progress I made but it's starting to look like I'm just going to get fat all over again, like always. Sigh... 8 more months and I graduate and can finally - hopefully - find a permanent job and start to build a long term, lasting schedule and habits but right now it's so hard. As soon as I find something that works, the seasons change, or I go to a new job, or SOMEthing happens and I'm so tired of it all.
I don't even know what I'm trying to express anymore except that I feel lost and confused and just don't know what to do with myself anymore. Blah... just blah!