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Is it me?

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

I managed to reach my weight goal of 150lbs last year, which was great. And I've mostly maintained that (I've gained a few lbs over the holidays) but honestly, I don't feel like I look all that different. Yes, physically, I know there's a big difference. But... I still see the same fat person in the reflection as I always did. I still feel HUGE, like someone stuck an air hoze under my skin and just inflated me, like I'm some ludicrous human balloon. And I know that's not true, at all, but still... it's how it feels.

And I'm torn, wondering if I should be happy where I am, or try to lose more weight? Will I feel any difference another 10-20-30 lbs down? I've been thinner than this in the past and still felt fat and repulsive. So maybe it's all in my head and no amount of weight loss will make any difference in my life. I'm just so down about it...

To make matters worse, I've started a new co-op job, and I have no idea how to incorporate exercise into my life now. During the previous semester, I was able to use the college gym between work and classes quite easily - though even that fell by the wayside nearer to exams. And during my last co-op semester, I would go outside walking during my lunch hour. But it's winter now, and it's FRIGIDLY cold outside, not to mention sometimes sleet or snow or freezing rain is falling and that's certainly no pleasant weather for a stroll. But I can't find the energy to exercise at home and the idea of paying for a gym membership - none of which is conveniently located near either work or my home - just doesn't seem appealing.

I don't want to lose all the progress I made but it's starting to look like I'm just going to get fat all over again, like always. Sigh... 8 more months and I graduate and can finally - hopefully - find a permanent job and start to build a long term, lasting schedule and habits but right now it's so hard. As soon as I find something that works, the seasons change, or I go to a new job, or SOMEthing happens and I'm so tired of it all.

I don't even know what I'm trying to express anymore except that I feel lost and confused and just don't know what to do with myself anymore. Blah... just blah!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ADVENTURESEEKER
    What if you held at 150 for a few months and really feet how the weight feels on your body, how you move and feel, and see from there? Keep up the diligent eating despite the fitness issues. I toss in 15 min videos at home to help...no excuses for me
    640 days ago
  • ADVENTURESEEKER
    I totally felt this way multiple times throughout the journey down, and even when I was incredibly fit I still felt that way a number of times. Don't know if it gets better, but you do look slim to me.
    640 days ago
  • RAMONA1954
    Be kind to yourself. Just start adding 10 minutes of exercise at a time. That's better than nothing. Walking with Leslie Sansone is one way I walk inside
    648 days ago
  • KATTHOMAS2
    I look at your photos and see a beautiful young woman. Why is it I wonder that we are so hard on ourselves. I went through a similar experience many years ago and regained so much of the weight that I had lost. It is hard to learn to like ourselves and we need to work just as hard at that as we did in losing the weight. As a grandmother, my biggest regret is the time I lost. When I look back at old pictures of myself I wonder why I never knew how pretty I was. Now I am older and the wrinkles and grey have crept in but I see a grandma/mother who is loved. Be kind to yourself and see the beauty that I see in you. Hugs
    648 days ago
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