Over the past 5 months, I've experienced feelings that I never wanted to feel. Grief and depression have topped the list of those feelings. I've struggled through them, doing the best I can to deal with everything in as healthy of a way as possible. Many times I felt powerless over the waves of pain that just seemed to show up whenever they felt like it. I learned to just let the waves come in, crash and recede as they needed to. I slowly found myself becoming someone other than who I've always been. Change is hard. This pain has been hard.
I've struggled getting through my runs these past few months. The emotions coming from them were too harsh, too frequent and not what I was wanting to deal with at the time. I wanted to just run. Like I used to. I kept trying to keep that thought in my head, until I finally got the fact that I can't run like I used to. I'm simply not the same woman. So instead of fighting with it, I allowed it in and let it change me. This happened on New Years Eve. Perfect timing.
I enjoyed a wonderful vacation with my love and my family for the holidays. I couldn't have asked for a better time away to get out of my normal routine, and grow closer with my daughter and her family. My grandson is my light in my soul. He's such a little cutie pie and had me feeling love in a way that I've never felt before. It was a beautiful time. My love and I enjoyed an incredible time together, experiencing many firsts that will forever be in our memories.
New Years Eve came around and we went to the local track in Nashville. It was raining a bit. A tad chilly for this California girl. I hadn't ran on a track since high school, so this was a treat for me. My running slump and desire to get out of it was on my mind, so I took advantage of this opportunity and laid out everything I had that morning.
As my love coached me through some sprints, teaching me how to manage them, I could feel the power in my legs slowly get stirred up. I felt like a young girl again. Running as fast as I could for a set distance. I felt like my arms were flailing around, teeth mashing against each other trying to find more strength somewhere inside to go faster. Second lap came around and so did the emotions. Tears showed up as usual. I allowed them to just come out. My body just reacts this way, I said to myself. How embarrassing I'm crying in front of my boyfriend while running, I thought. Oh well. Let it happen. Accept it all. Let it move through you. Then move on.
I finished the track workout, and felt inspired with what happened. That was 13 days ago. I haven't lost that feeling yet.
As I got back to the car, I found a text message from my BFF. Seems while I was doing this track workout, she was writing a beautiful, supportive and encouraging text message to me. Knowing this was the first holiday without my sister, she seemed to know just what to say, at just the right time. Again I had tears. Good tears though.
Since then my other dear friend, Elisa LDYHAZ, encouraged me to join a 100 mile challenge that she was doing. So I did. And have now logged over 15 miles this week. That's the most I've done in weeks. Plus the weights in the gym are getting more visits from me, as well. I also signed up for the Cardiff Kook 10k on February 3rd.
I began the January Whole30 and physically am feeling amazing. The sugar withdrawals on days 4-6 were haaaarrrrrd, but I made it through in one piece. Add in the fact that I am coaching 5 people through their own Whole30's this time, and I have a whole new ball of excitement in me. Whole30 is my jam. It changed my life and my relationship with food, and I am watching it change others' lives, too. To hear my daughter go on about how much she is learning about herself, her habits and her body's reactions to foods is priceless to me. My love is rocking his own Whole30 and I'm so proud of him. I have so much passion for this program, I committed myself to working towards becoming a certified Whole30 coach. Cross fingers it all goes the way I dream it to.
My morning routine is being fine tuned a bit. I've found having a firm routine in the morning, one that is so personally created around what inspires me to go after my goals, is key to my success right now. I started a 1 Mile Morning routine where I do an early morning treadmill walk/run, minimum of 1 mile. So far it's revved my engine enough to keep the fire burning in a way where I am staying motivated and inspired, even though I still have my times of waves crashing pretty fiercely through me. It's all about balance and what I can do to make it all work together.
Time to run…