Here, Right Now
Monday, October 15, 2018
I haven't written a blog on here in a long time. I journal fairly regularly in paper journals at home, but for some reason I am not very consistent on here.
2018 is fast coming to a close. I keep hearing a lot of people around me commenting on the year as though it were a waste and I find that incredibly sad. Life is short. Too short to not get everything you can out of it. Even the bad has something worthwhile in it.
In the last 6 years my entire life changed. My Father and Brother both passed away within a year. My marriage fell apart and we eventually divorced. I quit smoking (a pack a day) and went through years of extremely hard work in my career to better my quality of life and learn how to take care of myself after my marriage. I've lost my Mother and Sister since my Dad and Brother died. We have become estranged because they are toxic and the more I changed and worked on becoming my own atonomous person, the less they wanted to be in my life in a healthy way. I've lost most of my family and everything I knew to be ceased to exist. I had to find my way out of the dark and build a new life, a new normal, a new me. Unfortunately in all of that chaos, I gained 70lbs and I was already quite overweight.
With all the trauma and loss, there has also been incredible happiness and gain. I am in a relationship with someone else and we have been together for almost 3 years. So far it's working, but the beautiful thing is I know I'll be OK even if it doesn't. This allows me to know I'm in the relationship because I'm choosing to be, not because I need to be. I'm still not perfect, but I've learned a lot about myself in relationships and love. My boyfriend has a big family and they are warm, welcoming, and wonderful people. I have a career, a good position working with great people. Even though the family I knew is gone, I'm surrounded by others that are kind, caring, and generous.
This year there has been tremendous growth in my spirituality and self love. I'm turning 35 soon and even though sometimes I look around for an adult to help me when I'm scared only to realize I'M the adult, I'm proud of who I am becoming and how far I've come from where I was. It's a marathon, not a race. It's a journey, not a destination. I'm learning how to live in the now.
All of this is so important for my weight loss journey. To be healthy physically, I need to be healthy mentally. I have to WANT to love myself enough to have discipline, integrity, honesty, and courage for MYSELF. This isn't about anyone but me. I'm currently 40 lbs down from my highest weight and I still have a long way to go. I know I've got it in me if I stop leading my life with fear. I'm no longer afraid of loving myself. I'm no longer afraid of being the real me. I'm no longer afraid of owning the beautiful person I am inside and out. I'll get there. I'm enjoying being here, right now.
In the past month the scale hasn't budged much. It's frustrating. I've lost 16 inches, though. I can see progress in photos. Someone asked me at work if I've lost weight. I'm feeling better and I'm not giving up.