The recurring phrase I hear now, almost every day, is this is my "New Norm." And it's brutal right now, but I'm doing my best and trying hard to work through these feelings that come out of nowhere. Working has become a way to run away from everything for a few hours, until the feelings creep up on me again. The grief cycle is really hard. The situation makes it even harder. I just keep praying and was reminded at church today that God needs to be a bit closer to my heart than I've been allowing him to be.
I have been journaling a lot, and it's helping some. I think writing is so good for the soul. I've started a grief support group this past week, and I did get a few things out of it that were helpful. It was very overwhelming for me though. The stories from the others were really hard to listen to. Nothing can prepare you for a tragedy like this.
I am grateful that the last words my sister and I were able to say to each other were "I love you." Not everyone gets to have that kind of a memory.
Church today helped me a lot. I've been in a big fog. That's the only way I can describe it. One day I'm feeling good and okay. The next day like a totally different person. I have not been exercising too much, and that is not helping anything. But it feels like pulling teeth just to get me out the door. I know I need to be out there. I also know what that first run is going to do to me and I just am not ready for it yet. Running has always been my therapy. I recreated my life after an abusive marriage by getting out there each day and pushing through. I remember the many cry-fests on the grass, the many abrupt endings to runs as I worked through feelings that were all bottled up. Now I'm at that place again where I know what to do to work through these current feelings, but convincing myself I'm ready for this is tough. I will commit to getting out there this week though. I'm publicly saying I will....I'll let you know how it goes.
This loss has brought me to my knees more times than I can count. She was my hero. She was the strongest woman I know. She faced so many struggles and beat them over and over again. Yet she never saw herself as strong and would look at me like I was crazy when I would talk about how strong I believed her to be. As I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks, I wonder how many other people out there believe the same thing about themselves, yet are looked at as strong by others. I've begun going through all of this, to find what lessons can be learned and what kind of awareness we can bring from it. Is part of my purpose all wrapped up in this tragedy? It does feel like it....though not sure what it is.
At church this morning, I surprisingly felt that ole match to gasoline feeling spark up. I felt a bit dark today, so having something spark me kind of jolted me out of the darkness for a bit. I've been mulling over my current marathon goal, and to be honest, it has not felt positive. I've taken into consideration the circumstances right now, and I was leaning more towards calling it off as I am concerned about not properly training for it. Then out of the blue, the pastor started talking about running and how much he doesn't like it. I perked up a bit and had a giggle at how he was going on about his dislike for running. Then he said that in about a month's time, they would be rolling out the sign up sheets for the training they do every year to get ready for the LA Marathon. Seems they do a big fundraising campaign to send shoes to countries where the people lack them and they all run the LA Marathon, or half marathon, at the end of the campaign. And just like that I *knew* that was what I am meant to do. So goodbye Arizona Marathon and hello Los Angeles Marathon on March 24th, 2019.
I'll be back out there next week. No long runs just yet. Just runs that are meant to help me along this journey that no one is ever prepared for. I feel like I'm creating a path that has no direction and I'm stumbling along the way, but I'm doing my best to get used to my "New Norm."
Thank you to all of my spark friends for the supportive comments and messages during this time. I appreciate every one of you xo