Each day seems like an eternity
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
I know it's because I'm incredibly stressed right now, and because I'm unhappy and dreading a very serious life-altering conversation I have to have this week but ugh... It feels like every day just drags on forever. The ache in my heart just weighs me down - the true meaning of being heavy hearted. In 10 days I move out of the home I've shared with my partner and his parents for almost 2 years. I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself, whether I'll be able to pay all my bills or how much debt I'm going to take on because of this... Basically the only time I'm not consciously stressed is when I'm sleeping, and that doesn't come easy.
My conscience is screaming at me that I'm a horrible person. My anxiety is screaming at me that the sky is falling and I'm making the worst decision of my life and hey, all that horrible stuff wasn't SO horrible compared to this fear, right? Except I've set things in motion, there's no turning back now. I've bought my ticket, I'm on the train... it's just taking FOREVER to leave the damn station.
I just want to wake up in October, long after the dust has settled and when, hopefully, the vice around my heart will have released and I can finally breathe deeply without it being because I'm trying not to cry. I know in the grand scheme of things I'm just a baby - I'm not even 30 yet - and I have plenty of time to get over this, to move on with my life, to forge ahead to greener pastures and sunnier times. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm miserable right now, that I don't trust myself, that everything has me on edge and I'm honestly terrified of the outcomes of the things I'm doing.
I hope this is right. I hope I don't regret it. I hope I can trust me.