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When the Light breaks through

Monday, August 20, 2018

The last year has been one of the darkest I’ve had in my life, and this last April was the worst I’ve ever been.

There was no light.
Not even a spark.
There was no hope.
The darkness wouldn’t lift.
The pain wouldn’t end and I was sure this would be for the rest of my life.

I fought for my kids. My husband. My family.
And when I say “fought”, what I’m really saying is I survived. I pushed through the day to day stuff and did nothing more.

I didn’t wake up and go, “let’s do this!!!” and attack every arrow shot my way.
I woke up dreading the day, but doing it anyway. Just enough to get by.

People were draining... I worked so hard to be semi normal looking that I was completely zapped afterwards... for days.

But in April, even my greatest attempts fell short. Some just knew... they could tell I wasn’t doing well despite my attempts to look “okay”.
And I’m glad they could see I was wearing the fakest mask ever, it probably looked like it was made by a two year old.

I’ve shared honest dialogue on some of my downs, because I think it’s important for people struggling to know they’re not alone, but I have to share this hope too!

I don’t know what has happened, but the last month (especially the last 3 weeks) have been the best I’ve had in YEARS.

I don’t know why. I don’t understand it at ALL.
In fact, the first two weeks that I felt good I would stop myself, “Did you just laugh a real laugh? Is that a genuine smile? No. That’s impossible, better not get use to it.”...
I was constantly pulling back because I was convinced it was a fluke and I was afraid to be happy and feel good... but the last several weeks I decided to fully embrace it, to live it and just TRULY enjoy however long this would last.

You can be in the absolute darkest place, and light can suddenly, without warning, burst in and fill every corner... brighten every shadow... holding back nothing...

You may not know where this sudden ray of light came from, or why... but the point is, it’s here and it’s REAL!

Embrace it.

Relish it.

I have done so much cleaning and baking... I’ve napped less, I’ve been singing, smiling, laughing, dancing, and engaging with my husband and our kids in ways I haven’t in far too long.
My mind feels sharper, I can focus again, my humor is back and I just feel very... alive.

Why? Only God knows. The timing could not have been better for the darkness to lift... I.am.thankful.

This hope is real...
no matter how far you get into depression and/or anxiety...
no matter how thick the fog is...
no matter how absolutely zombie like you feel...
it can all change, instantly.

You too, have this hope.

STAY for it.
PRAY for it.
FIGHT for it.

This was the photo I chose for my profile in April... why? Because I looked nice.

This was a few weeks ago... I can certainly see and feel the difference between the two.

Again, this hope IS real.
It’s worth it.
It absolutely is.
Please... White knuckle on, you warriors against the dark.🖤🖤🖤

Much love,
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