Wednesday, August 15, 2018
My life has been a crazy emotional roller coaster these past few weeks. I've been in a very unhealthy living situation (living with my partner and his elderly parents) and an unhealthy (dare I say even abusive) relationship for over two years now and I've had enough.
A friend and I had agreed to move in together, as soon as she had kicked out her own alcoholic ex-boyfriend. Then her mother and I would move in with she and her daughter. We shook on this July 31st, about a week after I'd decided I had to leave my situation on my own. Well now it's mid-August and there's still no sign of this guy actually leaving. He comes and goes as he pleases, all his things are still there, and there's no set date to his actually being REALLY gone. I was starting to panic not knowing when I would actually get to leave here. She says he's not around much anymore and she doesn't see him for days sometimes, but I'm still not comfortable with moving in until I know he's gone for good. She keeps saying she hopes he'll be gone by September but, there's no guarantees.
So I took a leap and found a room for rent in a lovely home with a nice older couple and their adult daughter. They lease in 4 month semester chunks, so that come January, if my friend has straightened out her situation and the guy is really gone, then I'll be moving in with her like we'd originally planned. I feel terrible bailing on her like this but I NEEDED to start doing something to get myself out of here.
I'll be moving into this rented room for September 1st, and my friend has offered to let me keep the rest of my things in the room I'd be living at in at her house eventually, to save me having to get a storage unit and move everything a 2nd time in just a few more months. She's a little sad I couldn't wait but she also said to look out for #1, so that's what I'm trying to do. I feel irrational and kind of crazy but I'm fairly certain part of that is just from having lived the way I've been for over two years now, and I'm at the end of my rope.
My partner (soon to be ex?) shows me little respect, rarely lets me sleep a whole night through, or go to sleep without his bothering me, makes constant demands on my time whereas if I need his help for anything he tells me I'm demanding and selfish and will then lord that thing over me for weeks. He's an alcoholic, a slob, has no real job, and no interest in ever leaving his parents' home until he absolutely has to. (He's turning 30 this December, to put that into perspective.) In the 2 1/2+ years of our relationship, he's only told me he loves me 3 times. And living with his parents is no picnic.
His mother is a full blown hoarder and keeps EVERYTHING. The house is packed full of unruly piles and mounds of things, from broken kitchen appliances (we might need that broken food processor!) to spilled over stacks of Milk calendars dating back to the 90's, to damaged "family heirloom" furniture that is now just sitting and rotting on the back deck, to slowly molding produce on the kitchen counters that she won't throw out because "most of it is still good!".
His father... I've caught him in one too many compromising positions to ever believe any of it is accidental anymore. I'm afraid to even go upstairs to wash my face in the morning because he'll so often just be standing completely naked in the upstairs hall, like he's just waiting for me to turn the corner. Living with him makes me so incredibly uncomfortable and I always feel like he's watching me and I just can't stand it, ugh.
The worst of it all is that despite all this, I'm still sad that I'm leaving. There are still good things about my partner, things that remind me why I fell in love with him. And those little good things make my resolve in leaving waver and I HATE that because I know I need out of there for my own good.
The next few months of my life are going to be very difficult, emotionally and monetarily, but this is for the best. What I'm struggling through now is for the good of my future, and I need to keep at it to do what's best for me. I can't accept just staying here in this situation any longer, it's bad for me, it's hampering my ability to live a good healthy life.
I'm trying hard to live by my adage "Here and now!" because life is precious and I want to be present and aware of every moment, but right now it's a struggle. All I want is to wake up in October when this period of chaos and pain and stress is over.
I'm questioning all my choices (even this moving in to the room instead of waiting for my friend, because WHAT IF he's out by labour day weekend and I could've moved in there after all?) and second guessing everything I do and I just want some sort of stability again.
At this point I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, and as my mother says, remembering to take deep breathes. I have to hope things work out for me. I have to hope I've made the right decisions here. Only time will tell.