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Tough Decisions

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

My life has been a crazy emotional roller coaster these past few weeks. I've been in a very unhealthy living situation (living with my partner and his elderly parents) and an unhealthy (dare I say even abusive) relationship for over two years now and I've had enough.

A friend and I had agreed to move in together, as soon as she had kicked out her own alcoholic ex-boyfriend. Then her mother and I would move in with she and her daughter. We shook on this July 31st, about a week after I'd decided I had to leave my situation on my own. Well now it's mid-August and there's still no sign of this guy actually leaving. He comes and goes as he pleases, all his things are still there, and there's no set date to his actually being REALLY gone. I was starting to panic not knowing when I would actually get to leave here. She says he's not around much anymore and she doesn't see him for days sometimes, but I'm still not comfortable with moving in until I know he's gone for good. She keeps saying she hopes he'll be gone by September but, there's no guarantees.

So I took a leap and found a room for rent in a lovely home with a nice older couple and their adult daughter. They lease in 4 month semester chunks, so that come January, if my friend has straightened out her situation and the guy is really gone, then I'll be moving in with her like we'd originally planned. I feel terrible bailing on her like this but I NEEDED to start doing something to get myself out of here.

I'll be moving into this rented room for September 1st, and my friend has offered to let me keep the rest of my things in the room I'd be living at in at her house eventually, to save me having to get a storage unit and move everything a 2nd time in just a few more months. She's a little sad I couldn't wait but she also said to look out for #1, so that's what I'm trying to do. I feel irrational and kind of crazy but I'm fairly certain part of that is just from having lived the way I've been for over two years now, and I'm at the end of my rope.

My partner (soon to be ex?) shows me little respect, rarely lets me sleep a whole night through, or go to sleep without his bothering me, makes constant demands on my time whereas if I need his help for anything he tells me I'm demanding and selfish and will then lord that thing over me for weeks. He's an alcoholic, a slob, has no real job, and no interest in ever leaving his parents' home until he absolutely has to. (He's turning 30 this December, to put that into perspective.) In the 2 1/2+ years of our relationship, he's only told me he loves me 3 times. And living with his parents is no picnic.

His mother is a full blown hoarder and keeps EVERYTHING. The house is packed full of unruly piles and mounds of things, from broken kitchen appliances (we might need that broken food processor!) to spilled over stacks of Milk calendars dating back to the 90's, to damaged "family heirloom" furniture that is now just sitting and rotting on the back deck, to slowly molding produce on the kitchen counters that she won't throw out because "most of it is still good!".

His father... I've caught him in one too many compromising positions to ever believe any of it is accidental anymore. I'm afraid to even go upstairs to wash my face in the morning because he'll so often just be standing completely naked in the upstairs hall, like he's just waiting for me to turn the corner. Living with him makes me so incredibly uncomfortable and I always feel like he's watching me and I just can't stand it, ugh.

The worst of it all is that despite all this, I'm still sad that I'm leaving. There are still good things about my partner, things that remind me why I fell in love with him. And those little good things make my resolve in leaving waver and I HATE that because I know I need out of there for my own good.

The next few months of my life are going to be very difficult, emotionally and monetarily, but this is for the best. What I'm struggling through now is for the good of my future, and I need to keep at it to do what's best for me. I can't accept just staying here in this situation any longer, it's bad for me, it's hampering my ability to live a good healthy life.

I'm trying hard to live by my adage "Here and now!" because life is precious and I want to be present and aware of every moment, but right now it's a struggle. All I want is to wake up in October when this period of chaos and pain and stress is over.

I'm questioning all my choices (even this moving in to the room instead of waiting for my friend, because WHAT IF he's out by labour day weekend and I could've moved in there after all?) and second guessing everything I do and I just want some sort of stability again.

At this point I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, and as my mother says, remembering to take deep breathes. I have to hope things work out for me. I have to hope I've made the right decisions here. Only time will tell.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm so sorry you are going through this.
    777 days ago
    Super proud of you- I've been in similar situations and I know how difficult it can be. It sucks and hurts but once that initial bandaid is ripped off, there is so much release and you will realize how important you are.
    You are definitely doing the right thing for YOU. You are number one and deserve to be happy and safe. Best of luck to you on your new adventure!!
    800 days ago
    You are absolutely doing the right thing. I agree you need to get out of there as fast as you can. It is not a healthy situation. If your friend keeps pushing the date for her guy to leave who knows if he will even leave. She needs to take care of herself and you need to take care of you.

    emoticon emoticon
    800 days ago
  • EISSA7
    You definitely did the right thing...getting out and taking care of yourself is your #1 priority. If it works out with your friend down the road so be it but for now, you are in a very toxic situation and you need to GO!
    802 days ago
  • LILIANN400
    I believe you've made the right decision for you! NO ONE needs to live in what you've been living in! Wishing you all the best 🤗
    802 days ago
  • RANA!!
    Hugs and more hugs. Change can be so hard. Trust in your process. You're on the right path.
    802 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11978623
    Good luck with your move. Even though its hard now, it sounds like its the best thing for you.
    802 days ago
    Don't question yourself... get out of there...fast as you can. I understand you want to be loyal to your friend. But, she needs to slay her dragon first. Don't jump out of your frying pan, into her fire!
    802 days ago
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