Size Confusion and Body Dismorphia
Friday, July 27, 2018
I'm no stranger to weight gain and weight loss, be it purposeful or accidental. My weight has ranged from 193 lbs when I was 16, to 122 lbs when I was 24, and then all the way back up again. I'm sitting in the mid 160's as I write this, hoping to hit the mid 140's before I switch to maintenance and concentrate on getting into strength training.
This is all well and good but I've gained and lost so much weight again in just the last year that I'm starting to lose my grasp on what size I actually am, how much space my body actually takes. When I was heavier in the winter I'd bump into things, not expecting my body to be taking up so much space. Now I find myself reaching for clothes that are much too big in shops, not really sure what size I am anymore since I'm steadily losing weight. (This is hardly a complaint, note that!)
That being said, while I KNOW I've lost weight, the scale says it, my clothes say, people are telling me they can see a difference... I don't always notice it. I don't always see it. I'm smaller than my mind seems to be able to agree on, but I'm also worried that maybe this could get much worse, like when I dipped down into the 120's and didn't realize how thin I really was and actually still mentally viewed myself as an overweight and slovenly person, and spent a long time wearing clothes that were much too big and just kind of being lost within myself.
I'm hoping the fact that this weight loss is a conscious and monitored effort, unlike my mid-20's where it just sort of happened, that my issues with body dismorphia won't be so pronounced. I want to be able to love my body and feel satisfied with my accomplishments in losing the weight. I don't want to reach my goal and look down to see what I did when I set out on this journey, even if it's not the same at all. I can see the fine line where weight loss can become mentally dangerous to those of us already on mentally rock ground. I just feel like that risk is worth it because I definitely wasn't mentally well at my heaviest either.
I'm just going to try and be conscious of my body, aware of what it can do, the space I take up (and what space I don't anymore) and try to remain grounded. That's the best I can do.