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Free to document my pain and lack of purpose

Saturday, June 23, 2018

No one really knows me here.
So no one I know in person will know my true feelings.

I feel worthless.
I fee stupid.
I get the impression that alot of people fee sorry for me.I work a low wage job and would like to do better but I'm not smart enough to handle to challenges of working full time,raising kids full time and school.
My mind is all over the place.Probably ADD. My daughter has it. I make constant mistakes and I know that others ridicule me behind my back. I have had people do nice things for me in the past...I came to trust them. I let my guard down. I shouldn't have..I silently didn't help out with big projects at work because I knew I would foul them up...because my mind is all over the place. Now they don't respect me. They are rude..
But I cannot stand up for myself.Ever.....I will start crying in front of them if I do. I feel too deeply. I'm an empath ...which is crap. what good is having empathy when others look down upon you for being weak? Now I have passed this crap on to my dear boy. My daughter is a little tougher...a little more hard...thank god.
Most adults have talents. I don't. Nothing cool that I can do . Nothing that I can pass down to my kids.
My kids. The only reason I want to be around. They care for me now. My Teenagers emoticon . I feel that later on they will resent me for being me. 42 and childlike. Immature.Silly. They will bypass me one day in the 'adult ' department and no longer have common ground with me.
I've contemplated for years that when they no longer need me I can end it all. Just as long as it doesn't cause them pain. I will hang around till then.
No wants to be around someone who is so damn NEEDY
I'm writing this to get my feelings out. Like I said ...no one I know will find this.. like they would if I wrote on paper. No one can tell me to "stop being a p***y" or "grow the f**k up". At least not in person.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi I have bi-polar illness and my mind wanders quite frequently. I have had this for at least 40+ years now. I sometimes feel as you do but I tell myself I am as good as the next guy. NO one is better than anyone and you my friend are a great person. You are kind and that is a very good attribute to have.

    Try naming one good thing you did every single day write it down on paper so that you can see it. Can't think of one good thing you did? You woke up and you went to work is a good thing,did you smile at someone today? that is a good thing. It doesn't have to be a huge thing to write it down. As time goes on you will see you do more good things that you think.

    You are not dumb or stupid. It is hard to focus when your mind is always wandering. I agree with Morticia professionals can help you with the focusing thing and when you find clarity it is amazing. I was put on a very mild dose of medication just to stop my mind from racing all night long and it was/is awesome. I have clarity and can focus all day long and my mind remains the way that it is supposed to I can read now more effectively again and retain what I have read I am learning so many things.

    Don't give up you are loved and you are worth it!!

    1101 days ago
    Personally I think you would benefit from talking to a professional therapist. I was fortunate to work with some very good ones every day. So in the past when I went through rough periods I consulted with one and it helped me to clear my mind and focus on what is important. We all have problems and getting help to be the person we want to be is a good option. Hugs.
    1126 days ago
    Oh no! I hope you feel better!
    1126 days ago
  • T37533
    Feelings are normal
    1126 days ago
    I wish you well
    1126 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/23/2018 10:42:01 AM
  • no profile photo ELRIDDICK
    Thanks for sharing
    1126 days ago
    Change can happen. But it is all up to you. One step at a time. My heart breaks for you because you have given up. No one but you can make you happy.
    1126 days ago
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