Free to document my pain and lack of purpose
Saturday, June 23, 2018
No one really knows me here.
So no one I know in person will know my true feelings.
I feel worthless.
I fee stupid.
I get the impression that alot of people fee sorry for me.I work a low wage job and would like to do better but I'm not smart enough to handle to challenges of working full time,raising kids full time and school.
My mind is all over the place.Probably ADD. My daughter has it. I make constant mistakes and I know that others ridicule me behind my back. I have had people do nice things for me in the past...I came to trust them. I let my guard down. I shouldn't have..I silently didn't help out with big projects at work because I knew I would foul them up...because my mind is all over the place. Now they don't respect me. They are rude..
But I cannot stand up for myself.Ever.....I will start crying in front of them if I do. I feel too deeply. I'm an empath ...which is crap. what good is having empathy when others look down upon you for being weak? Now I have passed this crap on to my dear boy. My daughter is a little tougher...a little more hard...thank god.
Most adults have talents. I don't. Nothing cool that I can do . Nothing that I can pass down to my kids.
My kids. The only reason I want to be around. They care for me now. My Teenagers
. I feel that later on they will resent me for being me. 42 and childlike. Immature.Silly. They will bypass me one day in the 'adult ' department and no longer have common ground with me.
I've contemplated for years that when they no longer need me I can end it all. Just as long as it doesn't cause them pain. I will hang around till then.
No wants to be around someone who is so damn NEEDY
I'm writing this to get my feelings out. Like I said ...no one I know will find this.. like they would if I wrote on paper. No one can tell me to "stop being a p***y" or "grow the f**k up". At least not in person.