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Determined to Find ME

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

I pretty much lost myself taking care of Ted, and especially so when he died. I was in a haze for the first year. I couldn't find out who ME was.

But I got through it, pretty much intact. In short, I survived.

I survived being the "latest rich widow" in town. A whole lot of people whom I rarely saw began showing up "to see how you are doing", which I guess I thought was nice. Like I said, I was in a haze. A lot of those people left with things they "knew Ted would want you to give this to me", and even got an offer for sex at $50 bucks a throw. I was the one to pay, of course.

A lot of things were paid for...........I see now that they paid me less than 10 cents on the dollar, and I still look for things that are no longer here. I now chalk them up to "the first year learning curve".

I don't get angry over these things, but I admit to getting SAD when I think of how all of that year was handled by "well meaning people". They meant well, and saw to it they got a well of STUFF.

AH well, at least I don't have a whole bunch of clutter sitting around.

Yesterday I decided to wake myself up and create a life for myself. I need to find out who I am. I need to form a NEW ME. I need to BEGIN.

So I did a light workout yesterday, knowing not to do too much. I have to start working out as a beginner again.


I did a workout, and felt good about it all day long. So today I hopped out of bed and came to SPARK. I can make the bed after I have my chat with you.

I looked up my old nemesis Nicole, since I am familiar with her torture methods of working out. I chose to do the 12 minute chair workout, thinking I could fool her. I wouldn't have to work out HARD, like she used to force me in to.

So I sit on the chair, all ready to be gently deriding her for such simple workouts.

OH NO!!!! Nicole hasn't changed her attitude and abilities one little bit! This was supposed to be EASY!!! After all, I AM sitting on a chair, and it is only for 12 minutes!!!

From the gate, I realize I still have the correct breathing thing a confused mess. I find myself holding a big breath and then she says to take another deep breath (how can I??? I'm ready to explode with the breath I have been holding) and do a new movement, breathing in and breathing out and holding the pose and changing the pose and getting my arms in place like this and getting my elbows back like this and stretching to the side like this and stretching up like this and making a wide circle like this.............

The workout is over. I am actually thinking more clearly. I can feel all those muscles around my waist area (maybe you can't see a waist, but I learned today I have one!) I had when I was a teenager. They already feel tighter.

I took a cheese Danish out of the freezer for breakfast last night. I don't FEEL I have room enough for anything but water. Is this GOOD????

I may be bragging too early. I can REALLY feel the effects of this workout!

I may be really FEELING the effects later in the day, if you get my drift.

I may have to throw the Danish away. Never done THAT before! Is it OKAY to do???!!!

Stay tuned, fellow Sparkies!! More to come...............
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hugs .I am so glad to see you again. I am appalled at some of the things people do after someone passes away. I would have been like a viscious pitbull if I had been there growling and snapping if they offered you what I thought was inappropriate !
    722 days ago
  • BERRY4
    emoticon So glad to hear that you are resurfacing in this "life" journey! Glad you are still figuring out what works for YOU! -- So sorry that people took advantage of that difficult time following the loss of your life partner.
    722 days ago
    emoticon You know, a century ago they had a much different perspective on mourning. You were expected to sequester yourself for at least a year. There is something to be said about that practice. I lost one of my sons 5 1/2 years ago, and I am just now beginning to have thoughts of rejoining the human race, getting out and doing things like going to plays and other social activities.

    It's good to see that you are starting to discover who YOU are!!

    722 days ago
    HUGS and yes, there sure is a learning curve. BUT you are getting back to finding yourself. THAT's what counts.
    722 days ago
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