This Week's Progress
Monday, June 11, 2018
I lost 3 pounds this week, total loss of 13 pounds so far. It feels like such slow going especially when I think about how many calories I'm eating and how much activity I'm getting compared to how many calories I was binging on and how much activity I was getting before (when I was binging I was eating 3-5 K and only getting 1-2 K a day and no fitness minutes and now I'm eating around 1000-1200 calories and getting 3000-6000 steps and getting 20 to 45 fitness minutes. But then I remember that the usual safe rate of weight loss is 1-2 lbs a week and losing 3 is a lot! But compared to last week when I lost 8, of course it seems like a lot less. Now don't think I don't know anything about weight loss...I've been doing this for years, I know I lost a lot of bloat last week and that's why I lost 8 pounds in a week and that it's unrealistic to expect to lose 8 pounds every week, but that doesn't really mean anything in reality. Even when you know everything there is to know about weight loss, health, nutrition, body positivity, etc., it doesn't change anything when it comes to how you feel about losing eight pounds in a week and then the next week comes and you lose 3 and of course you feel slightly disappointed. Now I've been a part of the HAES community for a while now and I kind of feel like I'm being booted out of it BECAUSE I'm losing weight right now. In the HAES/BOPO community losing weight is totally frowned upon. They even say that weight loss has no place in BED recovery. But it seems hypocritical to me. If someone has an eating disorder and that eating disorder happens to be anorexia and they are at a dangerously low weight they are praised for gaining weight in recovery, not told to stay underweight because that would be threatening to their health, right? But if you have an eating disorder and it's BED and you are over 100 pounds overweight you are told you aren't supposed to lose weight, you are supposed to accept your body and not supposed to give a what that sometimes you want to eat a brownie when you're sad. Now I love everything about the HAES/BOPO community and if it weren't for them I wouldn't have been able to stop binge eating or fix my body image but there's a few things that I disagree with and one of them is that you can't lose weight period. They honk about set point weight and even say that your body will fight to lose weight if you're over your set point weight (I specifically remember reading that in Health at Every Size) but then I see so much posting about how it's IMPOSSIBLE to lose weight PERIOD and you are not body positive if you even try. So I mean I bought this shirt that says "I don't give a f*ck about your diet, Susan" that the BOPO community was selling cos I'm all about that, but at the same time I feel like I'm one of the people that they are talking about being a "Susan" because I talk about nutrition all the time and I track all of my food and there's foods I choose not to eat because of the way they make me feel (bloated, tired, etc) and I'm losing weight right now so they'd prolly say I'm dieting, but I'm really not. Plus "worst" of all, I'm on medication for my BED and my doctor has told me he wants me to lose 100 pounds and I didn't argue with him about it which the HAES community says you're supposed to give your doc the finger if he tells you to lose weight. And of course I'm on Sparkpeople which is essentially a dieting website, but I love Spark and I've been here for five years and I don't want to leave. And body diversity is a big thing in the HAES community they say just like some people are naturally thin some people are naturally fat. Well, that's true, but not everybody is meant to be fat either. Like some of us only got fat because of the eating disorder. Whenever I didn't have disordered eating, I was always very thin. The only times I was overweight was when I was eating to numb my feelings. So why should then "accept" being fat? When I'm in a fat body I always get this feeling like it's not my body. So that's why I think that people with binge eating disorder shouldn't be told they aren't allowed to lose weight. Binge eating disorder is a very different eating disorder than bulimia, where you purge, and stay underweight or stay straight size. With binge eating disorder, you do restrictive behaviours like cut your calories down to 600 for a week to try to offset the binging, and BED usually develops because of restrictive dieting behaviours, but what happens with BED is usually your binges are so bad that you can't offset the calories so you keep gaining weight and eventually you can't control the binging anymore and you can no longer restrict for even a day without binging your face off. When BED is milder, you can do what's called yo-yo dieting, where your weight kind of stays in a five to ten pound range and you may slowly get fatter or you may even be able to get thinner and still have BED, but as the BED gets more severe, your ability to restrict your calories and burn off calories to compensate for binges decreases and your binges become worse. You may start out with a bad binge eating day only being 2,000 calories and then as the binging gets worse and worse you find a bad binge eating day becomes 5,000 calories. And you start out and being able to restrict yourself to 600 calories and then as the BED gets worse you find you can only restrict yourself to 1800 calories. And you start out with being able to exercise for 3 hours to compensate and as the BED gets worse you find you can only exercise for 30 minutes. Anyway I'm kind of getting off track here. My point was that when it comes to BED, weight loss shouldn't be frowned upon. I think it's the nature of BED that people that have this eating disorder are over their set point weights because they have disordered eating and are not eating out of hunger they are eating for emotional reasons and eating because they have been deprived. I know for me I developed BED for two reasons. I initially gained the 100 pounds because of emotional reasons. I ate huge quantities of food to numb all of my feelings. I had such strong grief over losing my what you would call husband (he was my fiance) and I couldn't bear to feel the pain of it so I ate so that I would feel nothing. And then I wrote a book to try to deal with my feelings but held back so the feelings stayed buried and then I found Sparkpeople and started dieting and because I would both physically and emotionally deprive myself and also use food when I wanted to numb my feelings, I ended up developing an extremely severe eating disorder to the point where within just a few years I had gained 100 pounds, lost 100 pounds, and gained over 100 pounds again. So one thing I always advise people is to learn to sit with their emotions. A saying I like is "let reality happen." It's nice to say that emotional eating is harmless as a coping mechanism but I know from experience that it can be devastating and insidious because it starts out as a benign coping mechanism, starts out as "oh I'm stressed I want a cupcake" or "oh I'm sad I want a cookie" and turns into "I'm eating everything that isn't nailed down so that I feel NOTHING but numb and sick and the world turns into a blurry fog." I really believe that you need to have body positivity, you need to have health at every size, but you also need to have the food tracking and the nutrition aspect and yes, the weight loss.