This is an honest dialogue I’ve had in my mind a lot lately... not some “women’s empowerment” entry.
Why am I so fixated on who I am not? It takes so much of my energy, ALL day long.
I want to be skinny again, to be really fit again, to run marathons again and I would love to reach new goals.
I’m so focused on what I am not, how I don’t look and who I am not... when instead I could take all of that energy that frustrates me to no end and put it towards practicing loving myself... where I am... today. My fitness level right now. How I look right now.
This could very well be the skinniest I ever am again for the rest of my life... I might not ever be this weight again. I could put on 100 pounds or more and you know what’s going to happen?
I’m going to look back to today, to where I am right now, and I’m going to say, “Man... I wish I was her again. I wish I would have appreciated where I was then. I wish I would have loved myself then.”
Because that’s what we do.
I could -for whatever reason, be it an accident or what have you- never be able to run again. Guess what? Suddenly I appreciate what I COULD do... being able to run at all let alone the miles I do now.
My future self would regret being so hard on my today self.
I have a closet full of clothes I may never fit into again... it FRUSTRATES me.
I’m not where I want to be but does that change who I am?
I can focus on those clothes that are too small and all it will do is get me down in a major way or I can focus on learning to love myself... who I am... how I look... where I’m at... today.
I look at where I was before I dropped the most recent 30+ lbs and THAT girl would be THRILLED to be where I am right now! And yet, and yet...
Oh, how I resent how I felt about myself when I was in the fittest shape of my life.
I was still pushing to drop weight.
Still trying to just drop a few more pounds.
Still wanting to go down another size.
Still pursuing an image I could “love.”
I told my husband this week, “I’m pretty sure I could never eat again and STILL gain weight.”
But what if I could let that feeling go and learn to love myself where I am?
This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t have goals, that we shouldn’t strive to be healthy and active, those are GOOD things. But there HAS to be a better mindset.
Loving myself will not come with an accomplishment, a certain size or with a number on the scale.
So instead of obsessing over an image I can’t seem to get again (and that which was never enough anyway), I could take that energy and put it towards learning to love myself how I am right now and however I may be in the future.
I’m not entirely sure what that looks like yet, nor am I sure how to practice that mindset, but we all have to start somewhere.
God loves me how I am right now. He loved me the way I was years ago, down almost 80 pounds... He loved me.
And He loved me when I put all that weight back on and then some, due to pregnancy, depression, medication... He loved me.
I need to spend more time reading what God says about His love for me in His word and believing that that love for me is real.
I need to shift my focus from how I FEEL others view me to what I know God says about me.
I was beautiful, valued and loved then...
And though I may not fully embrace it yet, I am beautiful, valued and loved... right now.
And so are you.