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When reaching a certain image isn’t enough.

Thursday, May 24, 2018

This is an honest dialogue I’ve had in my mind a lot lately... not some “women’s empowerment” entry.

Why am I so fixated on who I am not? It takes so much of my energy, ALL day long.

I want to be skinny again, to be really fit again, to run marathons again and I would love to reach new goals.

I’m so focused on what I am not, how I don’t look and who I am not... when instead I could take all of that energy that frustrates me to no end and put it towards practicing loving myself... where I am... today. My fitness level right now. How I look right now.

This could very well be the skinniest I ever am again for the rest of my life... I might not ever be this weight again. I could put on 100 pounds or more and you know what’s going to happen?
I’m going to look back to today, to where I am right now, and I’m going to say, “Man... I wish I was her again. I wish I would have appreciated where I was then. I wish I would have loved myself then.”

Because that’s what we do.

I could -for whatever reason, be it an accident or what have you- never be able to run again. Guess what? Suddenly I appreciate what I COULD do... being able to run at all let alone the miles I do now.
My future self would regret being so hard on my today self.

I have a closet full of clothes I may never fit into again... it FRUSTRATES me.
I’m not where I want to be but does that change who I am?

I can focus on those clothes that are too small and all it will do is get me down in a major way or I can focus on learning to love myself... who I am... how I look... where I’m at... today.

I look at where I was before I dropped the most recent 30+ lbs and THAT girl would be THRILLED to be where I am right now! And yet, and yet...

Oh, how I resent how I felt about myself when I was in the fittest shape of my life.

I was still pushing to drop weight.
Still trying to just drop a few more pounds.
Still wanting to go down another size.
Still pursuing an image I could “love.”

I told my husband this week, “I’m pretty sure I could never eat again and STILL gain weight.”

But what if I could let that feeling go and learn to love myself where I am?

This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t have goals, that we shouldn’t strive to be healthy and active, those are GOOD things. But there HAS to be a better mindset.

Loving myself will not come with an accomplishment, a certain size or with a number on the scale.

So instead of obsessing over an image I can’t seem to get again (and that which was never enough anyway), I could take that energy and put it towards learning to love myself how I am right now and however I may be in the future.

I’m not entirely sure what that looks like yet, nor am I sure how to practice that mindset, but we all have to start somewhere.

God loves me how I am right now. He loved me the way I was years ago, down almost 80 pounds... He loved me.
And He loved me when I put all that weight back on and then some, due to pregnancy, depression, medication... He loved me.

I need to spend more time reading what God says about His love for me in His word and believing that that love for me is real.

I need to shift my focus from how I FEEL others view me to what I know God says about me.

I was beautiful, valued and loved then...

And though I may not fully embrace it yet, I am beautiful, valued and loved... right now.

And so are you.

Much love,
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow! What amazing thinking! First thing that hit me is perhaps it's time to just maintain for maybe a couple of months, then hit it again hard and see what happens. Maintenance is not easy, but they say research has shown that if you can maintain, then you'll be able to when you lose the weight. Might be worth a try.
    The Bible says there is no food that is forbidden. Moderation is key (also in the Bible). And yes, He loves us so much as we are but doesn't let us stay there. Yet he proves an out for EVERY temptation. Yes, that's in the Bible, too. Years ago, when I was on a DIET, that was something I hadn't heard before, studied it out and found it to be true. Then He showed me in a practical way how He leaves that way out! Have a beautiful and blessed day!!
    1001 days ago
  • SUNNY332
    You are beautiful and because of your hard work, you are an inspiration.

    Keep up the great work.

    1002 days ago
    Very moving - and important - blog.
    1036 days ago
  • no profile photo INCH_BY_INCH
    emoticon emoticon
    1038 days ago
    Great blog.
    1057 days ago
    I don't know why we hold ourselves up to "achievable" goals if only we try harder, were not so weak, if we only really tried etc. But most of us seem to. I resent feeling I can't eat out because of the calories in even healthy choices. I know I have a lot of weight to lose. A lot! I want to be able to connect with the now and enjoy it. It is the only time I have. I know and am working on loving and accepting myself more. Trying to find time to do some of the things I love more often.
    So here's to you and me liking us and enjoying our now. We deserve it.
    1057 days ago
    You are right. Thank you for stating this so clearly and reminding us all.
    1057 days ago
    Hope you find peace with your depression
    1058 days ago
  • no profile photo PAULAKIGER
    Exactly this! I am in the "I can't run anymore and golly was I in a cavalier place about my body when I could" stage. We are all to be celebrated -- at all sizes and abilities -- and to celebrate each other. Hugs,
    1078 days ago
  • CINDY247
    Thanks for sharing I've had those same thoughts many times myself I'm just learning to love myself each and every day no matter what Keep on sparking!
    1078 days ago
    You ARE beautiful and loved. Bless you!!
    1078 days ago
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