Monday, April 16, 2018
Hello everyone! The past few weeks have been good and bad, just like life, right?
First, my mom was here to visit and having her around kept me on track and managing my addiction/cravings. But then she left. Which happens when your family lives in Wisconsin and I have made the decision to make a life in Arizona. But I did not realize how hard it was going to be. My depression has showed up of course and it brought its friend anxiety along for the journey.
I am not sure how many of you can relate to this but I feel like I'm fighting myself every day. And I typically lose the battles. I fight the voice in my head that makes me feel bad about myself and doubt my ability to do anything. I fight the lack of self-esteem when I see myself in the mirror. I fight the "you'll never be able to do this" that happens at least 20 times every hour. I see someone on tv buy something in a "normal" size and I start to cry. I want so badly to make the changes, but I just cannot get moving and stay moving.
And I don't feel like I have anyone who could listen and understand what I'm talking about. None of my friends struggle like I do, or maybe they are hiding it every day like I hide it. I hide my loneliness, my guilt, my pain, my doubt. I spend so much energy pretending to be okay and then I get home and it all crashes in on me. I try to go to work every day and stay all day but some days my masks cannot actually hide my weaknesses and depression.
From the outside I probably look like I have my life kind of together, except for the 170 extra pounds. My career has taken me around the country, always to a new position with more responsibility. But they do not see me cry at home at night questioning myself if I can do the job. I have friends, tell stories about what I am doing in my life. But they do not see me at night or on the long weekend when I want so badly to reach out to someone and not have anyone I want to "bother" with my stuff. I have strong relationships with my parents and my brother. But there are times when my thoughts are too dark and mean towards myself to open up to those who are closest to me.
Best example. My mom tells me "you've done it once, so you can do it again." I hear "you've already failed at this once, why try again." How different are those perspectives?
So here is where I need your input. This Saturday is my run/walk. I signed up and it is sold out, but I am not sure I should do it. I am by myself, I don't know that I have it in me to do 4.2 miles when my most recent walks have been about 1.5 miles. I'm worried about letting myself down but I am also worried about how much pain I will be in after the event is over. And did I mention that I'm doing this event all alone? Seems I am doing everything alone right now.
What do you think? I need feedback everyone!