Monday, March 26, 2018
I have struggled with my weight since I can remember. I thought I was fat my entire life and now I truly have allowed myself to let my weight get out of control. Almost seven years ago I lost 92 pounds over nine months. I was walking in 5k races, I was eating really healthy and I was the happiest I had been in so long. Then I stopped. I stopped everything. I stopped walking, stopped caring, stopped trying. I also gained back more than 150 pounds.
So now I am 20 months into a new job, I've moved from Illinois to Arizona. I have made new friends, lost new friends and am back to being on my own again. I tried dating and that was a mess. I realize that my mental health, my physical health and my weight are all connected, unfortunately. I let my mental health, my internal voice, get the best of me seven years ago. I let outside forces make me doubt myself and my successes. But now I start again.
I saw a new doctor a few weeks ago and she actually listened to me. I mentioned that I had lost 25 pounds, which is a lot but not when I have nearly 200 pounds to lose. But I told her it was hard, because it is. I think about food when I'm not eating, and when I am eating. I can be stuffed from a meal and ten minutes later seriously think about eating again. I cannot imagine that all of my food relationships are healthy or "normal" whatever that means. I am trying though and she offered to help me with more frequent appointments and medication. I am taking her up on the offer.
Earlier this year I threw four thousand dollars at this problem and got zero results. I'm broke, tired and frustrated. I'm tired of being tired and unable to cross my legs or fit in chairs. I want to be able to think of myself as an athlete again and I have a walk coming up in a month. I promised myself that I wouldn't push as hard as I did last year cuz I just ended up with a bunch of blisters and was in serious pain for a week. This year I promise to finish the 4.2 walk but I will be happy that I finish. Period.
Now I am back to tracking my food, trying to follow the doctor's instructions and not lose my mind at the same time. Is it possible? I'll try...:)