My Recovery Story
Wednesday, March 14, 2018
I'm writing this for those couple of people who have followed me over the long years just to let you know how everything all panned out. I have been in eating disorder recovery for about a year and at this point magical things are starting to happen in my life. I have finally broken free of diet mentality and actually stopped dieting. I kept getting tricked back into dieting by thinking that "healthy lifestyle" wasn't a diet and that counting my calories and trying to lose weight using the principles I had learned from Isabel Foxen Duke was going to be some magical formula (more diet mentality). But it finally all clicked for me and I stopped dieting and stopped all of my restrictive behaviours, stopped weighing myself, and that's when the real recovery began. The bottom line is that dieting doesn't work and in the long run you will actually gain weight and that everyone has a size they are meant to be and your body will fight to make you gain weight if you are above your set point weight and fight to make you lose weight if you are above your set point weight (if you are eating normally) and that there is nothing you can do to change that. Maybe you can change it temporarily through white knuckling it and deprivation, but that is no way to live and you may not be able to do it forever and end up with an eating disorder like I did. So there's more helpful information on my profile about resources you can go to if you're struggling with binge eating, I don't know if I'm going to continue to write blogs because first of all I don't know if I'm going to get in trouble for writing this stuff on a website that is selling diet mentality and also that is filled with people that want to believe dieting works and equate thinness with happiness, but I wanted to write this for those that it may help to know that if you do struggle with binge eating and are afraid to stop restricting and eat whatever you want because you think then you will just eat ALL THE FOOD ALL DAY LONG, trust me, it doesn't work like that. When I was in my crazy days my binges were bottom feeding binges....I would binge so hard that I had to go lay in bed because I couldn't move. Now a day of eating looks like this for me: after I wake up I usually have a glass of milk or regular soda or a nutrition drink, whatever I'm in the mood for and then around 9 oclock I get hungry and have breakfast which is usually a Graze snack. If you don't know what Graze is, it's a company that makes nutritionist approved snacks and lately the snack has been 2 protein cookies with tea. Then at ten or ten thirty I start cooking dinner and by eleven thirty to twelve thirty it's ready and I have dinner with my family. At first I was taking quite large portions because I still had that scarcity mentality because we don't keep a lot of food in the house and dinner is like our one meal of the day and I was afraid I'd really have to scrounge for food if I wanted supper and so I thought I better get in enough food for lunch. But now that has worn off and I'm taking smaller and smaller portions at lunch and feeding half my lunch to my dog. Then during the afternoon I'll usually drink some kind of beverage whether it's iced tea or coffee with some creamer or soda or milk and get involved in whatever I'm doing and completely forget about food the rest of the day until I realize all of the sudden that I'm exhausted and it's time for bed. In my crazy days I would plan all my food on a meal plan at the beginning of the day, six meals a day, around 1800 calories and I would have to eat at the exact right time of day, the exact right things (the right amount of protein, fat, carbs, etc), in the exact right amounts (measured everything with measuring cups and spoons) and would stay on plan all day and then in the evening lose my willpower or whatever you want to call it and end up binging my face off on anything that wasn't nailed down but of course I'd still track it all and end up being at 3,000 calories for the day and my worst binges were over 5,000 calories for the day. The way I eat now isn't something I try to make myself do, it just happens naturally. I'm just a normal eater now. And if I want dessert, I have it. The other day I thought I wanted dessert, so I took a piece of cake. I took one bite of it and thought, "meh, this doesn't taste good." So I put my fork down and didn't eat the rest of the cake. That would've been UNTHINKABLE in my binge eating days. I used to think I was a sugar addict. All I thought about was sugar. Now I never think about sugar and in fact I hardly ever make dessert anymore cos I just can't think of anything good to make. I could go on in detail about the differences between when I was in my crazy binge eating dieting days and now that I'm in recovery and eating normally, the "super powers" I seem to have now, but only if anyone expresses interest in me posting some blogs like that, if that sort of thing would be helpful to anyone. For now I just want to say that binge eating disorder recovery is possible and that dieting and in fact trying to make yourself lose weight by manipulating your food in any way does not work either for the vast majority of people. And even those "lucky" few that are successful with weight loss long term, they are not winning the lottery. They are hanging on by their fingernails and their whole life revolves around food and food rules. It's a miserable way to live and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.