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If they would only ask--

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Wednesday, March 07, 2018

"You cannot tell them how to live their life!"
That is what Himself said to me just a few minutes ago---
Of course, he was referring to our children---our grown children with families of their own--
You see, I feel, being older, and having experienced so much, that it is up to me, to steer these people in the right direction---

It is a good thing however, that their Dad sees life differently---
"You'd think they might come out and help us with the grass--" I find myself saying to Himself--
"They have their own family. Leave them be," he always replies---
It seems , Dads never allow thoughts to enter their heads like Mothers do -

I do remember hovering over my parents--calling my Mom, and asking for advice on this or that, almost every day----and--to me, she always knew the answer to everything--
That doesn't seem to happen anymore in this house---
Maybe it's the internet which has given these kids all the answers--
I know now however, that perhaps my Mother made up answers some of the time!

So life is not like it used to be. Dads accept this easier ----

I am trying to accept what Himself says----not allow it to bother me---

It helps to be strong----perhaps dance a wee bit more around the kitchen---and accept that we really should not worry too much about it all---I think!

But-----Moms really know how to do most things---
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  • no profile photo SHARONCAPPS
    I am with you, It seems that many families go through this. I know I would love to see more of my kids but it seems like I see my one grandson the most. He is great.
    684 days ago
  • JUNETTA2002
    684 days ago
    684 days ago
    I only give advice when asked.
    684 days ago
    I agree with you!

    684 days ago
    My mom had all the answers and was always ready and willing to share with me when I asked her which I did often. My kids rarely ask for answers but I have them at the ready when they do. I also practice a lot of tongue biting when they don't ask but I do have an answer. emoticon
    684 days ago
  • RGPW30
    684 days ago
    684 days ago
  • THOMS1
    Yes, I'm always there to give unwanted advice. I guess the best way is to keep our mouths shut until asked. It's hard though. emoticon
    684 days ago
    I remember my mom when I became an adult "merely suggesting" which meant she was telling me how to do it, or handle something. When I had a problem I didn't want them to know about I could keep it from my mom, but my dad was an expert in "reading between the lines." It was like he could be could get in my brain and find every problem. Then he started probing me and since I would not lie to him I was up a creek. Now with my kids I gently try to talk to them but if they aren't responding I just stop. The problem is I get stressed at home by myself worrying and end in migraine. At least I am not like my parents but don't think I am doing much better.
    684 days ago
    I just leave them be...they don't want my input........

    684 days ago
  • MOEE45
    684 days ago
    My kids never call for advise or just to talk, they are busy with their own lives. Just part of their generational attitude. emoticon

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    684 days ago
    I have been chuckling about your blog all day as I had been listening to Robin (oldest daughter , lives with me) yesterday going on and on about her daughter cause they are always broke and they bought a used truck (they needed) and on and on telling me what they are doing wrong. As she went on and on telling me what they should be doing I was thinking how she would never listen to me when she was younger and she made some bad choices that would have been prevented if she listened to me. BUT, again, the choices were hers to make. Now she wants to tell her daughter what she should and shouldn't do. I keep quiet but am thinking of Himself saying they are adults, have families, leave them alone and it is true. It just made me laugh to have your blog come out with my very thoughts that day. We adult parents are wiser having lived longer but the "kids" still need to learn for themselves. good blog!! emoticon
    685 days ago
  • SPICY23
    My mom went back to work when my younger sibling went into public school. I got to 'learn' how to cook dinners, manage laundry and household cleaning at the tender age of 11. Believe me, if I could have called her at her work, her response would have been the same as it was when she was at home: "Look it up". Joy of Cooking, the dictionary, or the second-hand encyclopedia would have the answer.

    Once I had kids of my own though, there was plenty of unwanted advice that went against the information I had learned from a variety of trusted resources. Mom does not always know best, it seems.

    I am doing my best to keep my thoughts to myself unless my kids ask for input or to ask open questions if I see something that seems 'wrong' such as 'I notice you did this this way and I was wondering why?' Sometimes I learn new things. Just sayin'.

    Ain't life an adventure? Kick up your heels today!

    Peace and Care
    685 days ago
    I really miss my mother. She passed away 5 years ago and there still times, I would like to call her and ask her a question. Like you, I felt I really needed my mother even though I was an adult. Kids today feel they are more knowledgeable than we are. Oh well, I am still here if she needs me. Have a great evening Lynda.
    Joan emoticon emoticon emoticon
    685 days ago
    That label is so funny! Your Himself has the right idea. Let them be.
    685 days ago
    My adult children hate it when I go into what they call "mom mode."
    So I do my very best to mind my own business.
    685 days ago
    My late mother was in the habit of giving her " advice and opinions " to me and my brother - - - Even
    though she was not asked, it continued as we became adults as well.
    I wowed to never be like that with my own children.My kids are in their mid thirties and DH and i keep our
    mouths shut.We have a great relationship with both.
    I had a magnet on the fridge when my children were in their teens : " The best thing you can give your children
    is ~ Roots and Wings ~."

    685 days ago
    Himself is probably right but that does not make it any easier to accept...
    685 days ago
  • no profile photo MOXYCAT
    The best way to get along with adult children - KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT ----

    I've noticed I'm NOT asked for my opinion - when I give it - it's not a good outcome for me.
    I MISS my mother - I talked with her several times a day and she did have THE answers.

    Thanks for sharing your day.

    685 days ago
    The roles are reversed in my home. In spite of my practically pushing my daughter out the door, she's my best friend. That being said. her dad is the "helicopter parent", never wanting her to do anything. Even tho we're about 65 miles from the original Majic Mountain theme park, she didn't get to go til she was 14 because it's "so Dangerous!". He waited for us in the car in the parking lot in August all day. We nearly divorced when on the way home from a Girl Scout meeting, I noticed the sunset and told her, "Call home and leave a message that we're going to Goleta pier to watch the sunset" OMG the fight- because "You know how dangerous that is!" trust me. it's not.I am always telling him "let her live her life! Trust her to know what to do". She knows we're here and ready to help but let her make her own decisions. So I am definitely with Himself on this. I wanted to fret and be bummed at the "empty nest" but I saw early on if I didn't see she did stuff, she'd be a scared mess. My DH was adventurous before she came along but some switch flipped and he started to see the bad side of everything that possibly could happen
    685 days ago
  • WALNUTT1961
    I talk to my mom every day and now she doesn't have all of the answers for me. I guess at almost 84 she doesn't think about my kinds of problems anymore. HA! My 29 year old daughter texts me daily and asked my opinion and how to do things (mostly cooking). I try to hold back with my ideas for both of my kids. It is hard to do, but we all get along better. I just worry a lot. emoticon
    685 days ago
    My husband wants to call our son that lives in West Virginia (we live in Maryland) to have him mow our yard or help with an above ground pool. Yes, we are aging and our bodies hurt when we do too much. It is about a 15 minute drive on the interstate for us to visit each other.

    I told my husband last year when our son got married, that we would have to stop calling him when we needed help. He and his wife want children and once a baby enters the picture, they will not have time to do our work. Something I have considered is, that in my parents time, when the children helped, they were rewarded with home-canned food or meat. Now it is just expected to be done without a reward, just because we are the parents.

    My daughter lives in Wyoming so she is not asked to help. Our son doesn't get home from work until after 5:30 PM. That does not leave him much time to help with dinner, do his own yard work or be on call for his job until 9 PM and then get ready to go back to work the next day.

    I have to agree with Himself. Sometimes my son calls and asks questions, but this generation has computers and Smart phones. My generation was the one where these things became household items and maybe they think, "Why bother Mom and Dad?" They can find the answers to what they want to know, electronically.
    685 days ago
    Years ago, an elderly client told me, "What can't be cured, must be endured." I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget it.
    "The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it." (Harry S Truman)
    Believe it or not, your adult children will be recalling things you said to them that means more to them than you realize. Unsolicited advise is often rejected at the time or at least ignored. No worries, it will come back to haunt them! emoticon

    In my young adult life my mom told me: "A good way to stop people from jumping down your throat is to keep your mouth closed."
    685 days ago
    I have learned, at least most times, to bite my tongue. My daughter and I are friends now. We talk almost every day just to chat.
    685 days ago
    Being an adult is hard, being a mom even harder. Stay strong emoticon
    685 days ago
  • no profile photo LAH1222
    We raised our children, four daughters and a son, to be independent. They call us with questions once in a while, but they all are busy with their families and their work. My husband is the one who wishes they would contact us more often, although we hear from them at least once a week and we get together as a family every couple of months. It is hard to get all 18 together at once anymore.
    685 days ago
  • GLORYB83
    My Mom passed away when I was 22 Lynda, so I never had a Mom to turn to. I think that made me very independent and I raised my children to be independent. Unfortunately as we age and have homes to run, we can't do it all so I guess we are expected to hire someone.

    I'm now in an apartment, alone, but know I can call on one or the other of my kids if I need help. And I try not to make those calls.

    We're strong women!

    685 days ago
    It is definitely a new generation although I do get asked once in a while how I would do this or that. If they take my advise fine, if not I'm fine with that too.
    685 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    I still call my mom for advice and as a mother, I give advice too (even when it's not wanted)! LOL
    685 days ago
    My daughter doesn't call and I'm glad. It means she's independent and not needy. She's strong and is building a life that is truly hers. I heard that a lot from my dad's generation--the younger should be listening to the older. Wrong! If they listened to the older and not figure things on their own, they would be repeating the same mistakes. Society is slowing becoming more inclusive because the younger generations refused to follow status quo. Sorry, but I'm with Himself on this one. Be glad your kids don't "need" you but they do "want" you.

    And just because they don't follow the older's suggestions does not mean a lack of respect. If anything, insisting the younger should be listening to the older shows a lack of respect to our younger generations. The world does not revolve around us.
    685 days ago
    Let's at least TRY to be worry free... what's the old song say, "don't worry... be happy"! Yep, nowadays, I ask the kids about stuff... and they ONCE in a while ask me!
    685 days ago
    We live in a new generation. I think you might have answered it...they have quick answers to everything they want to know, and we had our parents. How I wish things were more like it was then. As a parent, it's not easy. I hoped to have that kind of relationship with our children as we did with our parents. Doesn't it make you wonder how things will be for them with their children?
    685 days ago
  • FRAN0426
    Yes the younger generation does use the internet for a lot of info. It seems to be the new modern way of dong things for themselves instead of calling up mom for advice.
    685 days ago
    In this house, the roles are reversed. My DH is the hovering "Mother Hen" and I'm the one that waits for the kids to ask my advice. I can't tell you the number of times I've said to him "Let them figure it out for themselves". I guess the fact that they still reside under our roof although they are both north of 30 gives him permission to "Hover".
    685 days ago
    They are not you. And, how did you learn to do everything? Not by your mom telling you everything as you imagine, but by doing it your way and learning from your mistakes! In this case Himself is Himself is right. Unfair? Perhaps, but this is your time to live your own life! Hire those good guys to come out and help with the lawn, the driveway, the chimney!! They seem eager to work and not only are you helping Himself and yourself out, but giving young men probably much needed work and maybe even lessons that they can pass onto their own children! Pretty sure that is what the queen would do!!
    685 days ago
    Moms and sometimes even dads have to learn to "bite their tongues" or keep the lips closed instead of offering that bit of advice we think they need because they'd rather decide for themselves. It is not always easy to let them make their own choices when we think that something else might be better.

    At 80, there are still some days when I wish that I could talk to my mom about something but today people can just go to their smart phone or computer and look things up.

    Letting go of our children is part of our parental role, but that does not make it easy in every situation. But when we learn to let them go, it should be with a sense of pride and continued love and respect.

    On another note, let's go forth to have a great Spark day. emoticon
    685 days ago
    Its a different generation
    685 days ago
    My mom didn't have a phone until the last 2 years of her life. But she knew everything and I learned it all from her before I left home to work in the city at 17. Mostly I learned that my mom loved all her kids without question and would have given her life for any one of us. That is the most important part. I think/hope my kids feel the same way. They know I will be here for them but like Himself says they have to live their own lives. By the way, I love the tag. I will send that to my DD's
    685 days ago
  • no profile photo CHAYOR73
    It has taken me lots of years, but, I finally agree with your husband, not worth the stress, don't get me wrong I love my kids ( grown adults) very much!!
    685 days ago
    I agree with you - Mom's really are very wise and are a great source of inspiration, too. Just keep being you - a great Mom!
    685 days ago
  • MBPP50
    It’s the opposite in my family- Dad is always butting in! Have a great day. emoticon
    685 days ago
    685 days ago
    emoticon Have a Great Day!!
    685 days ago
    I remember calling and asking my mom everything too. Even though she's been gone for more then 10 years there are still days I wish I could ask her for the answers. Mom was alright right and had the answer to everything. She had Super Powers!!
    685 days ago
    I do appreciate help when offered, but I started working myself out of a job as soon as I could teach them to do chores. The sooner they could handle responsibilities the sooner I was freed up to do other things.
    685 days ago

    You did your best raising your children. Wasn’t it just a few days ago your blog reminisced about when your kids and their friends were having a great time? Now it’s their turn to raise responsible human beings.

    On the other hand, it wouldn’t hurt them to call occasionally to see if their parents need help with anything!
    685 days ago
    **SIGH** We Moms can see the trainwreck happening in slow motion before it happens. Himself's . . . not so much. It's hard to stay out of our kids' business. But they're our babies!!!! Well, ok . . . . they're adults but they'll always be Mom's babies.
    685 days ago
  • CAROLJ35
    I call us "the spoiled Parents" as our three offspring help us so much. The three of them are in touch with each other all the time and we get calls several times a week from each. Couldn't ask for anything more.
    685 days ago
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