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ONEDERLAND!! Down 186 pounds... So Far! A Saga

Monday, February 19, 2018

Well, I've made into the 100s, finally below the 200 mark! Yes, me!

From my highest of 384 (just short of 20 months ago), to yesterday's weigh in of 197.8 pounds. In UK or AU terms, that's a high of 27-1/2 stone down to just over 14 st.

I began my recent journey on June 20th, 2016. I was gung ho, especially after stepping on the scale. It had been a long while, and I convinced myself it couldn't be all THAT bad. Sheesh, 384??!?!!

But it certainly was.. and even higher than I thought it would be! Talk about denial... till that moment!

Got myself into gear, and went on plan right then and there. Did well, stayed on plan, dropping down to 312 by the end of November. I even kept to it, as my marriage disintegrated (long-term breakdown, it wasn't sudden, believe me).

But holding myself together during a really awful (and specific) situation throughout November was more than I could handle. And, taking full responsibility here for my behaviour, I chose to start eating all the non-plan foods again. Yup, I went back to my old ways of eating to numb my pain.

It never worked before -- never in my decades of stuffing my face to ease the hurt. So it certainly wasn't going to work this time. But I did it anyway, as I had done countless times before. Just a cookie and then a bag of them, loads of candy, ice cream, potatoes, bread, whatever uncontrollable foods I could shove in my mouth.

I see now how much I hated myself, loathed myself to the core, taking on and believing all the abominable things my now-ex had said to me. And so I ate and ate and ate. Not just to soothe my pain, but I am sure to punish myself for my severe failure to live up to the things I was "supposed to be" according to this abusive, nasty man. This is the man who told me he would love me forever, surpassing anyone who was in my life before.

Suffice it to say, he certainly surpassed them all.. but not in ways I wanted or needed. The abuse increased (mental, verbal, and psychological), and I ate more. But as you can imagine, the food never did quell the heartache, and only increased my self-loathing.

February, a year ago, we had such a blow up that my already "touchy" heart rhythm went into a major episode, and I was hospitalised for 12 days. No visit at all from the now-ex. And boy, did I cry! I felt so all alone and worthless.

Scared and alone (all my family is back in the U.S., my birthplace and home for over 50 years), I finally started to open my eyes. Well, part of the way, at any rate. It was the kick in the backside that I needed. March 1st, nearly a year ago, still in hospital, I decided then and there, I am back on plan. A way of eating, a way of life for me. (I weighed in at 345 then, having gained back some weight... no surprise there.)

So, now, having found (enough) strength, I am more determined than ever to reclaim my life. I have not only dumped close to 200 pounds -- "only" another 25 or 30 to go, depending on what my 66-yr-old body can do - but I have also dumped that abusive influence in my life! (I guess, in a way, I have REALLY gotten rid of over 350 pounds!)

And guess what else? I am packing up my things and going back to my family in America - only 9 days to go!! (And I am even taking my "Monster Dog" with me. He is a rescued German Shepherd, but I think he rescued me moreso.)

My kids, grandkids, brothers, cousins.. and their families.. and some old friends across the country: I'M COMIN' HOME!!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Few people have the courage and determination so look themselves square in the face, as you have. How brave and beautiful a woman you are. Congratulations! I can't wait to be back I the 100s. Your story is so close to mine. I applaud you're disentangling yourself from a punishing relationship and moving on with your life. Your description of emotional eating and the magic we sometimes expect from it is on the button. The only magic I experienced was to suddenly live inside a padded cell. Now, on a ketogenic food plan, there are times when my compulsive eating makes noise. So far I've not given in. It's not a craving really, it's different, like getting too close to a void. There is almost a sound, or maybe it's a feeling. In any case, I'm glad I've found chess again. It occupies my mind and takes me away from the edge, and it's just the break I need. Good luck in Oregon, a beautiful state.
    518 days ago
    Yay! Lots of positive and inspiring change! Good for you!
    537 days ago
    Truly inspiring......

    Please come to the KETO PAGE on SPARK and chat with us.
    763 days ago
  • GR8TAWK-N-2-U
    You should be so proud of yourself.

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    1252 days ago
    You are inspiring to me. I've been hovering just above onederland for months, maybe I can make before you get home.
    1253 days ago
    I am so happy that you are in a much better place both mentally and psychically.
    1253 days ago
    All the diet plans in the world can't overcome that self-loathing and meanness. You have done an amazing job of waking up to what's been done TO YOU, after all those years of thinking it was done BY YOU.

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    1253 days ago
    You are AMAZING! Thank you for sharing your story. It was just what I needed this morning!

    Welcome home!
    1253 days ago
  • B49193
    1253 days ago
    Yah Hoooo!

    If anybody ever asks you "who loves ya, baby?" you say "I do!"

    Congratulations on so many many fronts.
    1253 days ago
  • -JAMES-
    Yay you!

    You know you can do it, because you are doing it. Not carrying around an extra 186 pounds has to be physically liberating. Choice of clothing, not feeling in pain all the time, things you can do, like just going shopping, or for a walk.

    Being able to do things will help mentally too, because doing things is taking control.
    1253 days ago
    Welcome home and congrats on your progress.
    1253 days ago
  • no profile photo SHERRYKINS422
    1253 days ago
    Welcome home!
    1253 days ago
  • no profile photo ROSSYFLOSSY
    1253 days ago
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