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ONEDERLAND!! Down 186 pounds... So Far! A Saga

Monday, February 19, 2018

Well, I've made into the 100s, finally below the 200 mark! Yes, me!

From my highest of 384 (just short of 20 months ago), to yesterday's weigh in of 197.8 pounds. In UK or AU terms, that's a high of 27-1/2 stone down to just over 14 st.

I began my recent journey on June 20th, 2016. I was gung ho, especially after stepping on the scale. It had been a long while, and I convinced myself it couldn't be all THAT bad. Sheesh, 384??!?!!

But it certainly was.. and even higher than I thought it would be! Talk about denial... till that moment!

Got myself into gear, and went on plan right then and there. Did well, stayed on plan, dropping down to 312 by the end of November. I even kept to it, as my marriage disintegrated (long-term breakdown, it wasn't sudden, believe me).

But holding myself together during a really awful (and specific) situation throughout November was more than I could handle. And, taking full responsibility here for my behaviour, I chose to start eating all the non-plan foods again. Yup, I went back to my old ways of eating to numb my pain.

It never worked before -- never in my decades of stuffing my face to ease the hurt. So it certainly wasn't going to work this time. But I did it anyway, as I had done countless times before. Just a cookie and then a bag of them, loads of candy, ice cream, potatoes, bread, whatever uncontrollable foods I could shove in my mouth.

I see now how much I hated myself, loathed myself to the core, taking on and believing all the abominable things my now-ex had said to me. And so I ate and ate and ate. Not just to soothe my pain, but I am sure to punish myself for my severe failure to live up to the things I was "supposed to be" according this abusive, nasty man. This is the man who told me he would love me forever, surpassing anyone who was in my life before.

Suffice it to say, he certainly surpassed them all.. but not in ways I wanted or needed. The abuse increased (mental, verbal, and psychological), and I ate more. But as you can imagine, the food never did quell the heartache, and only increased my self-loathing.

February, a year ago, we had such a blow up that my already "touchy" heart rhythm went into a major episode, and I was hospitalised for 12 days. No visit at all from the now-ex. And boy, did I cry! I felt so all alone and worthless.

Scared and alone (all my family is back in the U.S., my birthplace and home for over 50 years), I finally started to open my eyes. Well, part of the way, at any rate. It was the kick in the backside that I needed. March 1st, nearly a year ago, still in hospital, I decided then and there, I am back on plan. A way of eating, a way of life for me. (I weighed in at 345 then, having gained back some weight... no surprise there.)

So, now, having found (enough) strength, I am more determined than ever to reclaim my life. I have not only dumped close to 200 pounds -- "only" another 25 or 30 to go, depending on what my 66-yr-old body can do - but I have also dumped that abusive influence in my life! (I guess, in a way, I have REALLY gotten rid of over 350 pounds!)

And guess what else? I am packing up my things and going back to my family in America - only 9 days to go!! (And I am even taking my "Monster Dog" with me. He is a rescued German Shepherd, but I think he rescued me moreso.)

My kids, grandkids, brothers, cousins.. and their families.. and some old friends across the country: I'M COMIN' HOME!!!
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