People on my teams know how I have been struggling lately with work, and trying to figure out what diet works best with my diabetes since the traditional American diabetic diet is not working for me. My life is stable, and I am a creature of habit. I occasionally step out of my comfort zone, like when I rode the terror-dactyl ride in Colorado. OMG, thought my heart would stop and I am not ashamed to say, I cried. But... I DID IT.
Sometimes, just sometimes, depression sneaks in and I have to deal with it. I have to show myself how strong, confident, unwavering, stubborn?, capable I really am. That takes work, that takes time. It takes believing in myself and LOVING myself.
I speak of this because work has been a challenge for the past 3 months. I do not consider myself old but I am 57, just a little older than what my mind thinks at times. I have been working 5 am to 9:30 or 10 pm 3-4 days a week and I come home exhausted. I get 1 day off with no energy, then back to the grind. This is normal life for many but today it has caught up with me and I can not for the life of me, quit crying.
Crying... to me is a weakness. My dad never cried. My mom rarely cried and she had plenty of reasons to in her rough life. So, you see, when I feel out of control, not able to change things or adapt is when depression sneaks in. This is when I need to be the momma and not the child. I am mature enough to recognize that sometimes I just need to go with the flow of emotions but I CAN NOT STAY THERE. Life gets uglier, harder when I wallow in self pity. I invite that in when i wallow and and i know from the past, it does not help. So, i am slamming that door closed today with the help of my
So, saying all that, I AM GRATEFUL. I have a job that is usually fulfilling, pays well, i have a wonderful family that supports me, I have good health, I am capable of doing many things like fixing things, singing (although off key many times.. LOL), donating my time, blood, or money to charities. I help people sometimes without even realizing it until i get the Daisy award at work or a thank you. I think i am just totally exhausted and just need to recharge. I know life gets better but i am impatient.
I will continue to experiment with my diet, i will keep moving my body because the commercial is right about a body in motion, stays in motion. I see that in my patients. Blogging about this has helped. My spark friends support is always a blessing and reminds me i am loved and reinforces to me that i will be missed when the good Lord finally calls me home, which will be many years down the road.
I will keep plugging along. Sometimes we gets hills, mountains, curves, & straight areas but we are always on that road to health, even when maintaining. This struggle for me, is life long. I occasionally get tired just like everyone else but i will not give up. BTDT and that was not good for my mind, body or health. Onward to better... better everything !!