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Just Have to Tell Y'all

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Thursday, February 08, 2018

Okay, so I just have to tell y'all a few updates because I feel like you're as vested in this as I am at this point. First, the pressure cooker--I hate to tell y'all this, but turns out, it's not magical. I thought it would instantly create these perfectly cooked, well-balanced, healthy meals. We are about 50/50 on that. Everything we've made has either been really good or really meh. I was hoping it would be foolproof. I think a giant contraption that looks like Rosie the Robot from The Jetsons should be completely foolproof, or at least Shelli-proof.


I included a picture this time. Note the apple for frame of reference. I wasn't kidding when I said it was the size of a hot tub.


Can you see the resemblance?

At any rate, we're using the gigantic thing and can cook enough ribs to feed a small fighting force. But there's a learning curve, people. Now about the Air Fryer... Randy spoke to two different customer service reps and followed their return directions to the letter. Yesterday he told me that he called back, just to check how things were going. Um... They lost his return and told him he sent it to the wrong place. At this point, Randy is just laughing. Let's just see what happens next, shall we? I can't wait to find out. The Saga Continues!

Last Saturday, I attempted to be a Good Wife. Randy is trying to eat Low Carb, High Protein stuff now. One of the hardest things he's learning to do is to eat breakfast. I will die if I don't have breakfast. Randy has to force himself to eat it. I found a low carb recipe for a sausage stuffed biscuit. It looked good and it was low carb. I bought this special almond flour and went to work on it. The dough was simple; it only had four ingredients: almond flour, eggs, cream and mozzarella cheese. SIMPLE. It probably is simple for people who are skilled in the kitchen. Alas, I am not and Rosie the Pressure Cooker was no help.

As instructed, I soften the cream cheese and melt the mozzarella, to mix with the eggs and flour. Then, as directed, I chill the dough in the fridge until stiff. I got this. Guess what happens to melted mozzarella cheese when you chill it in the fridge? It becomes a solid again. No problem, I'm sure I can form those into balls, as directed. I spritz my hands with olive oil so they won't stick to the chilled, chunky dough. I try to form balls, but it's hard when the chunks of mozzarella keep bursting out. Also, the stuff is sticking to my fingers. I love my husband, so I keep trying. I firmly press the sausage patty into the chunky ball. More mozzarella explosions. The recipe tells me to sprinkle some colby jack cheese on top of the sausage and then fold the dough gently over the whole thing. I grab some cheese, which promptly sticks to the dough that's already stuck to my hands. I try flinging the cheese onto the sausage. I try scraping the cheese off my fingers and onto the sausage. There is no gentle folding because now I have two kinds of cheeses bursting from the dough and my fingers. I manhandle the whole thing into a giant ball, encasing the sausage and try smashing it into the muffin tin. Of course it won't fit, so I just rest it atop the muffin tin and hope for the best. I wash my hands and try flouring them, to see if it's less sticky. No. I love my husband, but I'm really glad he's at a meeting and is missing some of the choice words I'm flinging along with the cheese. It takes me ALL morning and well into lunchtime to make these things. SIMPLE. By the time I take them out of the oven, they weigh approximately 5 pounds each. I honestly think I could throw one and smash the kitchen window. I'm tempted to try. I put them all in a tub and rent a forklift to carry them to the fridge.

I love my husband and can't imagine one of those sausage stuffed boulders sitting in the bottom of his stomach. I just know it'll take a week or more to digest. I can't do it to him. That sweet man has soldiered through so many catastrophic meals over the last 26 years and never complained. I can't do it to him. When he gets home, I tell him about the experience. He thinks I'm exaggerating until he lifts the tub out of the fridge and gives himself a hernia. He still tries to be nice about it, saying that he's sure they're just fine and he'll probably eat one for breakfast the next morning. He doesn't. Not the next day or the next. Neither one of us says a word about it. We just quietly pretend that the biscuits aren't in the fridge. I'm secretly hoping they don't cause the shelf to collapse. At the end of the week, I silently dump them into double-bagged, extra strength, Hefty, outdoor yard waste bags and drag them out to the dumpster. I sure hope I get better at this...

Good news though--Randy's numbers have already decreased significantly!!!! He's lost weight and his sugar numbers are in pre-diabetic range. This is all his own doing, as my attempts to help are more likely to harm. We have two educational appointments next week, so hopefully they have some Shelli-proof ideas for me. He keeps gently telling me that he's got this. Maybe I should just offer moral support and not try to feed him? lol

In other news, I closed a bunch of rings last week. Looky!

Some of this was learning choreography to Grease in my laundry room. I don't know why Broadway isn't knocking at my door.

Shelley and I made big strides on our book project last week.

Working on page layout. All the words!

And possible the most important news:

I was given a free charm with my last purchase of Crocs. I know Cookie Monster isn't exactly Sparky, but...

I hope you have a great weekend and that your kitchen is free from disasters. heh heh

Spark ON, Brave Sparkers!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PROVERBS31JULIA
    So did you write your book yet?
    184 days ago
  • WOOFERCOALBOY
    Part of your ministry is your humor. I love it.
    607 days ago
  • SUEARNOLD1
    Thanks for the morning giggles!


    612 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    So, does it go in the next garage sale or re-gifted?

    620 days ago
  • KENDRACARROLL
    OMG! Thanks for the laugh.
    Happy Sunday!
    627 days ago
  • CRADLEY
    Adventures in cooking!! I got a good chuckle - and remembered some things I have tried with not so great results!!

    Glad to hear Randy's numbers are going down - good luck with your appointments next week.
    631 days ago
  • SIMONEKP
    OMG, I love your description of the breakfast recipe attempt emoticon . Almond flour is hard to work with.
    634 days ago
  • SPARKLINGME176
    You are tooooo funny! I came to see how you are doing, haven't seen you around SP land, lately. Glad your having fun with your "spa"!
    637 days ago
  • NOLAHORSERIDER
    Oh, One little thing I noticed... just now....Where's her googly eyes?? Hmmmm??? Maybe that's the problem. LOL

    SparkCheers,

    Nola
    637 days ago
  • CHERYLHURT
    Laughing out loud!
    638 days ago
  • TWEETYKC00
    Good luck in the kitchen department, you l=might just need it! lol Whoohoo for all the progress you and DH are making!!
    640 days ago
  • EDWARDS1411
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    641 days ago
  • KALEWINE
    This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. You wrote that story about cooking so well! I can't wait to hear how the fryer saga turns out!
    641 days ago
  • JUNEAU2010
    I laughed so hard, I had to read your blog to my BF! You are such an entertaining writer with such a good turn of phrase!

    I expected your Croc charm to be googly eyes!
    641 days ago
  • _CYNDY55_
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    642 days ago
  • LIVINHEALTHY9
    well that sounds like a cooking adventure!

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    642 days ago
  • TRAILWALKERJO54
    You make me laugh ....
    sorry but I cook like you... following a recipe exactly but never turns out --- sigh... keep trying...

    Glad you hubby's numbers are down and good luck with your appointments ... You can both do this..
    I have faith ..

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    642 days ago
  • MARYJEANSL
    Thanks for the laughs! I have one of those pressure cookers, too, though not as large as Rosie. And.....I never, ever use it! Once in awhile my son uses it as a rice cooker, so not a total waste. But I can definitely relate to your struggles in the kitchen.

    Have a blessed weekend!
    642 days ago
  • FLORNH
    Oh Lord, you are hilarious! I had the biggest belly laughs (yes, plural) this morning reading the blog. I am sorry the biscuits didn't turn out well, but at least you tried. emoticon
    642 days ago
  • RAINBOWMF
    emoticon

    emoticon to Hubby.

    Mary
    642 days ago
  • EILEEN828
    emoticon Tell me now, who doesn't have a story of "kitchen katastrophes"? I must say, Rosie looks to be a bit intimidating. I mean really, it looks like a part Elon Musk is looking for. Glad to hear Randy's efforts are paying off. Good luck with the new recipes.
    642 days ago
  • NANHBH
    Oh my goodness! This blog is hysterical! Thanks for sharing your challenges in the kitchen. Now I know why I eat mostly salads. I'm not good in the kitchen either!
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    643 days ago
  • QUARTERMASTER3
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    643 days ago
  • CINDYAST
    You made my day! And Rosie looks like she's infatuated with your new cooker..........maybe they'll produce a smaller version for you? ; ) Loved reading this blog! Good luck moving forward!
    643 days ago
  • PATRICIA-CR
    Oh, my, Shelli, that's a HUGE pressure cooker! I seldom use mine. What we need is a human cook to prepare all of our healthy foods perfectly (one can dream!). In better times, I used to have a person who came only to prepare a main meal which will last for lunch and dinner. Unfortunately, not anymore.
    I can see the resemblance emoticon
    Such returning problems have to be taken with humor, otherwise they will harm us to no avail. In other words, great attitude!!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon at you preparing the sausage stuffed biscuits turned into boulders! Someone should've filmed you and the resulted biscuit/boulders.
    So happy for Randy's numbers going in the right direction emoticon
    emoticon at closing more rings and the book progress. Love the Cookie Monster charm!
    emoticon Chef Shelli! emoticon
    643 days ago
  • NOLAHORSERIDER
    Rolling Over Laughing! You are too funny!! Why not take a 6 muffin tin, put an egg in each one, add bell pepper, broccoli, any veggies, a tablespoon or so of Almond milk, some bacon or sausage and cheddar or whatever cheese you like best stir it well and bake in the oven for 25 to 30 mins. I call them egg bombs. They store easily in the fridge and are ready to go when you are. I have several breakfasts that are quick and easy microwave ones too. Mug cakes for instance. E-mail me if you'd like more recipes.

    Keep Sparking!!

    Nola
    643 days ago
  • BARBARAJ73
    Wow... that is some pressure cooker!!!???!!! Glad Randy has made such progress in such a short time!
    643 days ago
  • HARRIETT14
    I don't know if you are aware that Spark has low carb recipes that you may like to try. It's always great to read one of your blogs. I do miss your videos.
    643 days ago
  • JACKIEWALKS4FUN
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    643 days ago
  • PHOENIX1949
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    643 days ago
  • BBLUNDON
    i purchased a very small instant pot .. but haven't tried it yet .. need to have time to test etc .. i'm on some facebook groups .. appears many misses ... almost as many as hits .. so i'm not yet seeing the wonder

    b
    643 days ago
  • DEBRITA01
    So, sausage cheese balls won this round. Such a funny story and I could just imagine it. I have had similar kitchen experiences myself. We can't be good at everything, right? So happy to hear that Randy's numbers have improved and your book is progressing...awesome! And, how can you not be happy when you look down and see that Cookie Monster's smile? emoticon
    643 days ago
  • PENOWOK
    Your cooker is huge!! That may come in handy for those church pot lucks!! Haha!

    I am also a breakfast person but it took time to get my DH to eat that early. He does well now. He’s very anxious to get retested to see if his numbers will drop below pre-diabetic. He’s also lost some weight and gave up some of the junk. Your cooking adventure must have been frustrating, but you could be a stand up comic with the telling! I’m sure it’ll make an interesting sermon!!
    643 days ago
  • _JODI404
    Your cooking adventures! Funny, NOT funny at the time, I'm sure!

    I loved this line: "That sweet man has soldiered through so many catastrophic meals over the last 26 years and never complained." You two are such a great team! I'm so happy to hear that his numbers are already down, so quickly! It sounds like he has definitely got this!

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    643 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    Yes, pressure cooking is an experiment to figure out what works . . . . or not! IT IS HUGE! YIKES!

    Ummm . . . . sounds like the word SIMPLE for that recipe was WAY OFF!

    Soooooooo glad to hear with the weight loss that Randy’s #’s are going down. WTG! Keep at it. I am sure the diabetic educator will have some suggestions for you! I am always perusing the net for low carb ideas. It’s not easy!

    Awwww, Cookie Monster looks perfectly @ home on the crocs!

    HUGS

    643 days ago
  • SHOAPIE
    Should have at least heated one up and gave it a try. Sometimes “ugly” food tastes great. Been there done that.
    643 days ago
  • LINDAK25
    Funny adventures in cooking! Wow those biscuits must have a ton of fat in them between the cheese and the almonds, plus the sausage. Maybe it's a good thing they didn't get eaten.

    Boy that pressure cooker is huge and it takes up a whole lot of real estate on the counter! Mine is much smaller and buried somewhere in the bottom of the cupboard. So sorry to hear about the Air Fryer. Wouldn't it be nice if they would just send you a new one?

    A simple breakfast would be a light english muffin with an egg, a sausage pattie, and a serving of fruit. Of course, I watch fat, too, so my muffin has turkey sausage and a slice of low fat cheese instead. If you're using the Spark nutrition tracker and you set it up for prediabetes you'll see that meals are the same size. I use the Spark tracker. It helps to keep my meals balanced. I don't eat low carb, but it's important to make your carbs count. Some nutritionists use the glycemic index, but it so limiting and I find it annoying. I guess it's a matter of finding what works and doesn't make you too crazy.
    643 days ago
  • LIVEDAILY
    Oh my, you sure have had a time of it!! You are a great comedic writer Shelli!!

    So, there's a recipe here on SP, I think it's Coach Nicole's mini egg frittatas, but not sure. You make them in a muffin tin. You spray or oil wipe each cup, can put in one piece of lean ham and fold it so it makes a cup. Beat some eggs to add to the cups. Then you can add whatever else you'd like: spinach and feta, cheddar cheese, more diced ham or ground turkey-whatever you guys like!!

    I've thought about The Instant Pot, but to be honest, I love my slow cooker!!

    Keep trying! You haven't hurt him yet!!
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    643 days ago
  • TERRIJ7
    OMG Shelli--what a hoot! Your description of the sausage biscuit episode gave me visions of an old I LOVE LUCY episode where Lucy and Ethel are making homemade bread to save money. I'm sure there's a trick to it and you'd get there with practice; however, how much almond flour would that take?

    On a serious note, there are some Spark recipes for low-carb breakfast muffins that are basically an omelet in a muffin tin. I've made them and they're quite good and handy when you're in a hurry. You should give them a try because we all know that you love your husband!
    643 days ago
  • no profile photo APPLEGREENGIRL
    Absolutely LOVED this!
    643 days ago
  • ELIZABETHBECK1
    This was such a good fun read! Thanks!
    643 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    It is so hard to imagine that you are not a chef! You sure do make up for it in so many other areas. I think artistic people are less likely to be domesticated int eh kitchen. Make your own little omelettes for Randy and let it go at that. Breakfast without carbs is easy. Simple recipes are not always simple.
    BTW, where was that nifty video cam when all this was going down? Please do not feed the leftovers to the dog. That would be a whole other saga...
    643 days ago
  • CATEKNK
    LOL
    643 days ago
  • AZMOMXTWO
    I love it I felt as if I was the only person alive that could make a simple recipe hard even when I follow it step by step


    you will get there loved the blog you are the best
    643 days ago
  • CARBMONSTERII
    OK, first let me wipe the tears from my eyes (I really did laugh that hard, reading your blog). I am worried because, yes, I CAN see Rosie in that instant pot! I grew up with "old school" pressure cookers, sans all the sparkly lights and buttons. You put food and water in pot, screwed on the lid, put on a little weight, allowed it to make a ridiculously loud noise for so many minutes, then took pot off the heat. We usually then put it in the sink, & ran cold water over it for a few minutes, then removed the weight. Sometimes it got really exciting if you removed the weight too soon (old faithful, spurting steam towards the clouds above) or too late (a great sucking sound as air whoosed into the pot). I think I can live a long and happy life without an instant pot, tho I am a hardcore kitchen appliance addict (my limiting factor is only that I ran out of places to keep said appliances).
    So thrilled to hear Randy's numbers are getting better. Maybe, since cooking is not your, ahem, forte, you could consider starting with easier recipes? I like to make up what my hubby lovingly calls "eggy thingies". I take a bunch of eggs and egg whites, spinach, onions, mushrooms, artichoke hearts and whatever else is not moving in the vegetable drawer, add some feta and cream cheese and mix it together and bake it in silicone muffin cups. They taste good, they nuke well for rewarming and will last in the fridge, covered for up to a week. If you'd like the recipe, let me know.
    643 days ago
  • LADYFROMTHEWOOD
    If Anne Lamott wrote comedy about cooking... it would be this. Love it!
    Have a GREAT weekend!
    ~ Teresa
    643 days ago
  • TRISTAROSE
    OMG!!! I laughed through your whole blog!! I wouldn't have lasted as long as you did with that project but you are amazing in so many ways .... keep trying!!

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    643 days ago
  • MARUKI52
    I'm sorry Shelli but I'm in pain laughing at all your antics. I'm so sorry your hard work was not rewarded with a grateful husband but at least you know you haven't killed him! He sounds like he is doing well on his own so I think verbal encouragement is the order of the day.....after all...if he pops off what will you do with that pressure cooker eh! You couldn't eat all the food it holds yourself.....you'd have to get the whole of your Church congregation over for dinner wouldn't you? Well done you, though, for trying and that's what counts at the end of the day. emoticon
    643 days ago
  • VALLEYGIRLSPAGE
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    643 days ago
  • GIGI1953
    Try the bagel recipe made with non-fat Greek yogurt and self-rising flour. You can add baking powder and salt to the almond flour and you will be good to go. Check Skinnytaste web site for ratio. People have been making them as barely, biscuits, bread sticks, pizza crust.... lots of options. Make sure the yogurt is thick, like Fage. I did the pizza and it was good but had my own moment. I forgot to spray the aluminum foil I put it on so had the frustration for peeling it off w/o wrecking the pizza.
    Be easy to make the biscuits and add sausage later, a McDonalds type sandwich 🤓.
    I’m a kitchen gadget girl and have resisted the Instipot. I have 4 crock pots and use them a lot. I am thinking of getting the gadget that makes perfect hard boiled eggs so my addiction is still alive. We have an air fryer we got at Walmart. I’m not too adventurous using it but it does great fries and onion rings. Trick is to not overfil the basket.
    Good luck with the cooking adventures.
    Love your attitude and sense of adventure, you Rock 👍❤️
    643 days ago
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