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The Next 100

Tuesday, January 09, 2018

“Listen to your own voice, your own soul. Too many people listen to the noise of the world instead of themselves. Deep inside you know what you want. Let no one decide that for you.”

“Listen to your own voice, your own soul. Too many people listen to the noise of the world instead of themselves. Deep inside you know what you want. Let no one decide that for you.”
Weight: 254.4
Bodyfat: 47.6%
Muscle Mass: 121.4
Neck: 15
Chest: 49
Waist: 45
Arms: 17
Legs: 23
Calves: 17

Well, I've been on Sparkpeople for almost five years and in the first two years I lost almost 100 pounds and after I lost the weight I said "all this work for nothing!" I just wasn't happy. I thought I looked the same!! I didn't think there had been any change. Mentally, there hadn't been. I was still unhappy with myself. Immediately, I started gaining the weight back. I ended up with binge eating disorder. I struggled with BED for two years and the struggle was mighty. I gained all my weight back and then by working with the Intuitive Eating book & workbook I was able to overcome BED and started body image work and change my MENTALITY and arrive at a new place and mindset. So here I am in 2018. Back on Sparkpeople! At 245 pounds. Just six pounds away from my highest weight and ready to lose 100 pounds--the RIGHT Way!! Really, it's not about weight loss. It's just about getting back to the beginning, to where I was before I got pregnant, to where I was for many years before I had a child--my set point weight. I don't want to be super thin or even the thinnest I ever was--just a normal size which was what I always was when I wasn't crazy with food. I talked to a nutritionist about this a year or so back and talked to her about calorie and macro counts and about this weight (145) and about possible meal plans and she agreed this was all very realistic and doable for me. She also predicted success for me and she offered her help if I ever needed it in the future. So what's my goal, you ask? I want to get back to being the motivational type of member I used to be, but on a better track. I am hoping to blog 3 times a week (at least as often as I can) and do weight loss the right way this time so that I don't wreck my metabolism again or spiral myself back into binge eating disorder!! I want to lose weight the RIGHT way, keep intuitive eating techniques in my pocket, and use Sparkcoach to help me with all the tips I need to do things right. I used Sparkcoach the first time around to help me lose 100 pounds, but my mentality ultimately defeated me. This time, I want to strengthen my body image so that I don't lose 100 pounds and then look in the mirror and feel like nothing has changed!! So I will be doing a lot of body image blogs along the way along with plain ole weight loss blogs. I did a LOT of weight loss blogs a couple of years ago, and I always tried to make them upbeat and interesting and motivate anyone I could along the way, cover the ups and downs, and I will try to do that again, and emphasize the fact that you can have health at ANY size. The biggest difference between now and five years ago is that what motivated me to lose weight last time was that I HATED myself. I couldn't even look in the mirror. This time, I LOVE myself. I'm perfectly happy with myself and wouldn't be unhappy if I stayed a 3XL forever. But I just have an interest in being my healthiest self and am invested in getting back to where I was pre-baby (can you believe that was almost 8 years ago??) and I also have a lot of cute clothes and would like to go shopping in my closet, so here we go. But, honestly, my biggest reason for losing weight is that I want to improve in the fitness aspect more in the interest of easing some of my pain. I have a bad back injury and all of my joints are bad, and I had bone disease which has left me with a lot of pain in my wrists, and I get bad headaches....just a lot of chronic pain issues which would be helped by doing more fitness stuff and lessening my weight. Also I have a Fitbit Charge 2, which I LOVE and I love using it so this gives me an excuse to use it, and I love Sparkpeople, I have been here five years, and I don't really want to leave! So why not, right? My goal is to lose one pound a week, which to most people probably sounds like a snail's pace, but I want this to be healthy weight loss, and weight loss that STAYS off, doesn't damage my metabolism, and is doable for me. I'm not competing with anyone, so I don't need to lose weight fast. Besides, at this point, I don't think my body wants to shed weight any faster than one pound a week. That's fine by me. Also, I just ordered a bunch of new clothes in size 3XL and they are AWESOME and I don't want to size out of them too quickly....selfish, I know. I will post progress pictures every month also measurements and weights. I have weekly activity goals, but I'm not ready to get into all those just yet, for now I'm working with a Desire Map Planner to help me to start doing things to feel the way I want to feel! I have also ordered the Desire Map book to help flesh this out more. I think meeting your goals really starts with FEELING the way you want to feel. So right now I'm starting at a 3XL size 22W and my goal is to be a size Medium 8R. I feel really happy and optimistic about this because for the first time in two years I feel like I finally have a handle on my weight again. For two years I gained ten pounds a month and you have no idea what that feels like!! It was so scary I was afraid I was going to end up 600 pounds and that no clothes were going to fit me and I would die! The binging was so out of control I couldn't do anything to stop it. But Intuitive Eating cured me and the body image work and now I am standing on the other side and feeling ready to say "hello" to Sparkpeople again and use the tools here to help me lose this 100 pounds and get back to my old self again. A small part of me is sad saying goodbye to the self I am now, the 245-pound self, but today I am READY. And what kind of presence am I going to have on Sparkpeople from here on out? Well, I am hoping to be a POSITIVE Presence. I have always believed in positivity and while I know this journey won't always be easy, I hope to be positive about all the ups and downs. I will also be HONEST about everything. I am going to talk about my journey from 245 down to 145 from beginning to maintenance and then on into that new maintenance journey and I will talk about all the hurdles and experiences that I encounter. One of the exciting things about starting out is that I have done all this before and so I have a LOT of clothes in my closet in every size you can think of and so as I start losing weight I will be able to "shop" in my closet without spending money. Right now my body feels like it has kind of a strange shape; I have always had a small bust: I was a 36A cup when I was thin and I never got past a B cup even at my heaviest but recently when I gained this last 25 pounds I started packing on a lot of weight around my back/bust area and so I can only order special bras in a 48B--crazy huh? I will certainly be glad when I start losing some weight in that area, hopefully it's one of the first places to lose fat and usually it is along with my face slimming down. My stomach and arms are always the LAST thing to lose weight! My grandma asked me about my plans as far as exercise go because she knows that I'm pretty crippled up with my back injury and I told her that I have a special scale that measures BMR and so I know how many calories I can eat just doing normal activities and that is 1742 and my target calorie range is 1640-1990 so the extra 248 calories should not take a lot of hard exercise to cover!! I should be able to do some light housework, cooking, walking, yoga, and light cardio/ST and Pilates and be able to maintain 145 and easily be able to eat in this calorie range. I have also discovered through intuitive eating that there are just not that many foods that I desire anymore. I've become much much pickier through my BED experience. Like for example today I baked a huge batch of maraschino cherry white chocolate chip/chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, a chocolate chip banana bread and a walnut banana bread and out of all that I had one cookie and told my family to eat up the rest. This is just another reason I feel that the tide has shifted and that I will be able to go from gaining ten pounds a month to now losing all this extra weight. Isabel Foxen Duke (whom I greatly respect and admire) advises not to diet or try to lose weight but I believe that it is possible to get back to a weight that you weighed for many years once the food crazies are over IF you do it properly and don't fall into diet mentality traps!! And I think Sparkpeople is a great place to do it, if you don't get pulled into fad diets (like keto) and such things and use the great advice from the Sparkcoaches around here and use the great resources in the Spark articles. One thing I did in my initial "losing" years was read a ton of Spark articles and I got a ton of great sound advice and I will probably re-read those articles, although this time with a different mentality, one of positive body image. I think that's the most important thing you can have when you go into a weight loss journey. If you don't love yourself before, you won't love yourself after. I'm proof of that. I lost the weight, but I didn't love myself, and I just ended up gaining it all back and getting BED because I used extreme methods to lose extra weight more quickly. I did a Dietbet and won and to win the Dietbet I cut calories extremely low, starved myself, and then binged when it was over, which started me on my binge eating disorder. Now I am doing things the right way, counting calories and balancing my macros, and not going lower than 1640. If I could give ANY advice to anyone just starting out on their weight loss journey, it would be not to cut their calories too low. You WILL ruin your metabolism!! Don't make the same mistakes I made!! My plans now for eating are reasonable and I am going to work on integrating more fruits and vegetables and smart carbs into my diet and drink Ensure nutrition drinks. Also plenty of water!! My main exercise will be walking with a step goal of 6K and starting with viniyoga which is yoga that is designed for people with bad backs. I will build on this. I made some new year's resolutions: Cook 12 unique recipes. Read 12 books. Use 12 unique pieces of makeup. Do 12 yoga DVDS. I will try anyway!! It is possible to get through regain and BED and come out the other side and resolve that you will try again!! No matter how tough it gets, never give up on yourself.
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