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RAINWATCHERDAR
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Praying for hope and willingness

Sunday, January 07, 2018

I have been eating terribly for months, exceptionally poor choices involving a lot of sugar. I have health challenges that require daily self-care and routines that are time consuming and tedious to avoid cellulitis and other complications that would put me in the hospital. My beloved wife just celebrated 90 years on this earth and is in relatively good physical health, her Alzheimers seems to have slowed and that is great.

I have so much to be grateful for, and yet I know I have been running scared inside with no end in sight but more challenges and losses- just getting day to day is exhausting and depressing, and of course the diet I’ve been feeding myself is the absolute worst for anyone in this position.

After avoiding the scale for over a month, I finally had my DW drag it out and when I stepped on it, I was horrified. 395 pounds. That’s a 35 pound gain and I haven’t been in this place in over 15 yrs when I had my gastric bypass at 419 lbs. I feel sick at heart and so discouraged, beaten down.

I signed up for 6 mos weight watchers new Freestyle (online) program for some new information and ideas, but honestly I know exactly why I gained the weight... and yes it can and will come off, but my bigger concern is the underlying issue.

How do I honestly accept my life and circumstances in a healthy and hopeful way that will enable me to draw daily strength from gratitude for all the blessings and gifts I DO have. How do I accept or honor- acknowledge my deeper feelings and fears of loss, of self-limitation and health issues that can improve but not be cured or changed significantly.

I have all the love and supports of family, friends, home health care nurses who care deeply for me- I am the missing or weakest link, I am the source of the problem, my own worst enemy. I am praying for the gift of hope and trust that I am in God’s loving and active care-

My view of things tpright now is so limiting and claustrophobic. I really need help.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • _BELINDA
    Dar, I have the exact same struggles, fear and depression. Probably some of the same health issues. I regained 80 pounds. Sometimes it feels hopeless. I still grieve my husband and my daughter. Loneliness beats me down on some days. All I want to do is eat and sleep. I completely understand what you are feeling and saying in your blog.
    However, I believe God wants more for me than this pain and fear. I think he wants more for you too. I have learned that when we love, we feel pain because loss is inevitable. But there is still joy to be had. We have to work for it, we have to search for it in small moments, we have to build on it. Don't let this depression swallow you up and steal your life from you. Fight back.
    Love and hugs, emoticon emoticon emoticon
    Belinda
    1249 days ago
  • JULIENSMITH
    It is challenging to face a loved ones descent into Alzheimer's disease. I understand that. It can lead into stress eating. It did for me. But you can slowly get back into self-care. Let loved ones support you. WW is a great idea.
    1258 days ago
  • BE-THE-CHANGE
    So glad to see you here again!
    emoticon emoticon
    1258 days ago
  • GRANNY32118
    Your blessed with a wife who loves you. Many memories of good times. There are many people who never had love. You have shelter. Many families live on the streets. Most importantly is you have GOD. Sparkspeople is also a blessing .
    1259 days ago
  • GRANNY32118
    Sorry 😐 to here about you wife it’s hard to deal with. I to have a problem with 🥘. Weight up and down. It sounds like you see no light at the end of the tunnel. Please take care of yourself one day at a time. Think 🤔 of the blessings that you have
    1259 days ago
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