Post Binge Eating Disorder: Early Reflections
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
I'm at the point where I no longer binge eat. It's (sort of) a distant memory. I'm able to eat when I'm hungry, what I'm hungry for, and stop when I'm full. I no longer have all these horrible food cravings anymore either. My eating is pretty normal now: I watch my macronutrients and eat a lot of high protein high fiber foods, try to limit my sodium, but my diet's not perfect--there's always situations with treats and special food situations. But I realized it's always going to be like this, this is just life. Family will always want to go out to eat or I will bake a special treat or someone will bring home something and I have to go on living my life, so I have devised a way to average out my calories for the week so that I can have some higher calorie days, some lower calorie days, but still end up being around 1950 calories on average. I have discovered that I ruined my metabolism by dieting for so many years plus the BED so now I can't eat very many calories anymore (I burn very few calories while at rest!) Your average person can easily eat 3,000 calories on average and be a normal healthy weight. When I eat 3,000 calories on average I gain 80 pounds! I asked my grandma how much she thinks someone can gain while still eating the same amount of calories, as my calorie average has actually been going down or at least, I haven't exceeded 2500 calories per day on average in many ages and yet my weight continues to climb and climb! I am now sizing up to a 3XL and while I am okay with this my only thought is how much more weight am I going to gain if I am not increasing my calories, am no longer binge eating, and am lightly active? My physical health is poor: I am really about 20 years older health wise and since my health is deteriorating pretty quickly expect to die around 50 years old so considering I only have about 20 years left to live I don't want to waste it trying to futilely lose 100+ pounds and keep it off, as well as the fact that when I did lose 100 pounds, I wasn't satisfied with myself and life didn't change AT ALL!! My main reason for losing weight was so that I could wear cute clothes but I have been receiving catalogues with super cute trendy clothes in up to 5XL!! Honestly all dieting ever did for me was ruin my metabolism and drive my weight up in the long run and I was never able to lose enough weight to satisfy myself and I never got the body I thought I wanted and at this point in my life, I am more than OKAY with being a 3XL!! I am happy with myself and love myself at this size. I have several goals for my remaining years that will help me to live in happiness and peace:
--Track all of my calories/macros and eat in a range of 1840-2190 while rejecting dieting and the diet mentality and continuing to stay in recovery from binge eating disorder.
--Maintain my weight at a 3XL ideally (while the 1% chance remains that I may lose some weight which would be fine and pleasant, but certainly not expected), or if my weight continues to climb, not to exceed a 5XL, as finding clothes bigger than this would be very difficult.
--Stay, for the most part, lightly active. At times fully active but not for long periods as this is too hard on me physically, and at times more sedentary if my physical condition is poor or I am feeling more tired or depressed, but most of the time aim to be lightly active and do what activity feels good at the time whether it be walking, yoga, Pilates, or something else.
--Practice body kindness habits and work on bettering my body image and self esteem
Life feels like it's starting something altogether new now that I'm in recovery from BED and have finally truly rejected dieting and the diet mentality. Before I would always say that I wasn't trying to lose weight while all the while expecting that I would lose weight (and reach 145 of course!) but now I really have no expectations to lose weight. I find that being 235 isn't much different than being 138 and I am actually happier now than I was then. And deciding that I'm done dieting and no longer trying to lose weight doesn't mean I'm giving up on my health! I'm still going to do all of the things I enjoy about living healthfully which means I'll still Spark, still track my calories and plan my food, still eat within certain macro ranges, still pursue fitness goals, still have my Fitbit as my best friend, but I just won't be binging/restricting anymore!~thank goodness. I also feel as though spending my time trying to create an unrealistic body is a waste of my years left on this earth and that rather to accept the body I have and enjoy my time in that body and create a more healthful life that will make living easier is time better spent. I used to have a lot of unrealistic expectations, not just with my weight loss goals; just as I thought losing so much weight would give me a body that it in fact never gave me, I also thought I could create this perfect fitness routine that was so above and beyond what I could realistically expect of my body!! So of course I never followed through with the fitness routine because it was more than my body was capable of. Now I am acknowledging my physical limitations. I know that I will never have a super fit body but I'm not exercising to get one, I'm exercising just for enjoyment and to alleviate some pain which means I can exercise when I want to and only as much as I want to and I can choose the activity I want. Now that I am really accepting myself and just being ME, it really changes everything in my life, and I can be more authentic with everyone in my life and also have a much better relationship with food. I know it will all be okay and whatever the scale says it will no longer ruin my day or make my day any better; now it's just a number.